A perfect place for the kid

Many of you know the trials and tribulations of being and parenting a middle school kid. The hormones, self doubts and stress(in BOTH of us!!) create an environment unhealthy and nonsustaining.

Last Spring Sofie didn't get into the school of her choice. In hindsight, I'm grateful. Not that the school wasn't a good match. I think she would have done well there. Now I see there are better choices. When she was accepted into a public magnet school full of kids from a previous school she attended, I thought our issue of MS had been solved. I was optimistic and hopeful. She was not. She liked the school, the teachers and kids in particular. What she didn't like was the mixed messages she seemed to be getting. Her words were, "They're treating us like kindergartners in some was but expecting us to be adults in others!" She had a point. And while I think some kids are okay in an environment where they are responsible for everything they do, I know she's not there yet developmentally. For the first month or so of school the positive aspects of her day became increasingly tenuous for her and straining on me.

As luck would have it, I received an invitation to attended a tour at another school that I had been interested in last Spring. Unfortunately with my dad's health issues and driving back and forth to Greensboro, all while solo parenting, I had to put aside anymore investigation of that school. I was okay with that because I thought we'd found a good option in public school. The invitation couldn't have come at at better time in my mind. So a month ago, I took the morning off work and attended the open house at Emerson Waldorf School in Chapel Hill. Honestly I wasn't sure it was going to be a good fit based on what I knew. I knew she was 5 plus years behind in Spanish, Music, Handwriting and a few other things. Thankfully I made time to go on the tour...and thank the Universe for putting EWS back onto my radar!

During the tour we visited each class, Grades 1-8, and observed the kids in their environment. A very fortunate turn of events occurred when a teacher who was on Sabbatical from another Waldorf school was on our tour. She had just finished a 1-8 loop(the teachers start with their kids in first grade and move up with them until they graduate 8th grade!!) She addressed many questions/concerns I had about moving to this school so late in the game. She had no qualms at all. Of course she'd never met Sofie but it was nice to get an outsiders perspective who knew about Waldorf education. During the tour, classroom after classroom, I kept thinking, "This would be a wonderful fit for my quirky, artistic girl!" After observing the 6th grade classroom and seeing her potentially new teacher interact with his class, I was convinced...from a parents point of view. After the meeting, I was fortunate enough to chat with that teacher and he was open to and encouraged the next step...completing the application. I rushed home and compiled all the relevant information and submitted the application right away. A few days later Sofie, due to the wonderful Director of Admissions and the 6th grade teacher,  was scheduled for her 3 day visit. the true test was about to begin.

Two weeks ago, Sofie visited EWS on Tuesday-Thursday. Prior to that visit we had long discussions about the differences...good and "perceived" bad. To note, the "bad" to her is the dress code requirements...nothing else. She wasn't too excited about the idea of tutors for things she might be behind in but was still willing to visit. I didn't offer my opinion on whether I thought the school was a good match or not. It was important that she test the waters without too many outside influences. I dropped her off with the 6th grade class and off to work I went. She was beaming with happiness and excitement every afternoon. She even showed the teacher her snarky 6th grade side when he and I were discussing a meeting time for the last day. (Afterwards he said he was glad to have seen that and it was perfectly normal for her age!!) So at the end of the 3 days, he and I talked for nearly 2 hours! He raised his concerns, I mine. We talked the good, bad and ugly of switching schools. By the end, we were 99.9% sure she was in but he needed to talk to the class to get their input and talk about adding a new member to the family. He also needed to chat with the Spanish, Handwork and Music teachers, too. In the end, no one had an issue and were happy to welcome her into the community. We found out on the Friday, just before their Fall Break that she was in! I registered her and that was her last day at her old school. She chilled for a week and prepared for her new adventure.

In her first week she's already started making a wooden egg in woodworking, learned and drawn more about Roman leaders, started writing on what makes a good leader(and she's using Wolves as an example...shock!!), started making a stuffed mountain lion, sang, talked about which second instrument she's going to play, had PE twice, Math, Language arts and worked on her Spanish. When I picked her up from after school the first day, she had constructed this house out of twigs, leaves, rocks and pine cones:

Week one is almost in the books and I have to say, she's never seemed more at ease, more enthusiastic or more confident about school. Yes, this is the honeymoon period. Yes, there will be times when she's just as miserable as she was at the other school(but for different reasons I assure you!) Yes, there will be trials and tribulations...she's 12!! As I see it, there's no place more loving and accepting for those trials and tribulations to occur.

A big heartfelt Thank You to Debra for having the fore thought to make this opportunity happen. As her guardian angel, I know you're watching over her and you're very proud of our girl.

Flashback: July 25, 2006

Five years ago today, my life was about to change...one of several life changes occurring that year and years to follow. Five years ago today, I was undergoing a hysterectomy because there were "suspicious" cells that returned from a biopsy. Those "suspicious" cells were, in fact, undeniably cancerous. I was, unbeknownst to me, about to embark on weeks of radiation plus several months of chemotherapy. My, what a year that was!

There will be no waxing nostalgic in this post...for that you can read the blog entries for that year. This is about looking forward and living life with no regrets. From those years of life changes I became fulltime parent to a wonderfully spunky girl. With that I have years of  looking forward to watching her become the tween/teen/young adult/etc. etc. etc. that she will evolve into. Fortunately for us, we get to share that journey with a wonderful woman who dropped into our lives about a year ago. Sofie and I both are looking forward to growing our family with one mom/partner and two more cats. (yes, we are crazy cat people!) Life can be full of challenges and growing pains, fortunately those also come with love and celebrations. To coin a phrase(or 80's one hit wonder), the futures so bright, I gotta wear shades.

In theory, the cancer was removed when my cervix, uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes were removed. So do I celebrate 5 years Cancer free today...or do I wait until next March, the 5th anniversary of the end of my treatment? Maybe this can be the YEAR of 5 years Cancer free? Let's get this party started!!

Okay a little waxing nostalgic. A heartfelt thank you goes to everyone in my life, new and old, who have been here for me during the last five years of "growing pains"...couldn't be the mom, partner or friend I am without a supporting cast like you all.

Home phone dilemma

Up until very recently I've been quite content have no home phone. I'm not ready for my rising 5th grader to have her own cell phone...she doesn't even want one. I have, however, started thinking about adding a second line to my cell plan for home use only. Of course,  I research and realize there are so many other options out there.Tracfone, VirginMobile, Credo, etc, etc. What's a mom to do? What's a good, reliable, cheapish alternative to a land line?!?!

Any sage advice for me, do share your wisdom!

Fence sitter or what I believe about the mom who is losing custody of her children "because" she has Cancer

All my life I've considered myself someone who always sees both sides to a story, a fence sitter, as it where. That trait has benefits although it doesn't make for a passionate defender. Honestly, I wish more people could see both sides, maybe our world would be a more peaceful place to live. That's why I was surprised to my initial reaction to the story of a woman who was losing custody of her kids, allegedly for having Cancer. Of course it pushed every liberal button in my body. I was outraged that such a thing was happening and it was happening in my own backyard! This was personal, too. The five people that read my blog know what the last five years of my life have been like. For those new to reading me, here it is in a nutshell:

• Former partner(and primary care provider to our daughter) diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer(2006) after our wonderful Primary Care doctor thought something was off with the symptoms Debra had.
• Surgery and chemo begin immediately
• Three months later, I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer after a hysterectomy was performed due to "suspicious cells" found during a biopsy.
• As her chemo is winding down, my treatment of surgery, radiation then chemo begins.
• Less than 6 months after completing chemo, cancer returns for Debra.
• We are simultaneously going through chemo since I had 3 treatments to go.
• Debra doesn't respond well to the chemo after the recurrence and dies December 2007.

The mom in question has some major PR backing. There's a Facebook page dedicated to the "wrongness" of the actions and much of mainstream media has jumped on the "mom was wronged because she has cancer" bandwagon. Since this is a family law type issue I don't think there's a ton of  facts from either side out there. Why are we not hearing the Dad's side? Maybe he thinks the protection and privacy of his children are more important than the media show. Maybe he is a loser, although I highly doubt it since he seems to genuinely care for the well being of his children. The mom is holding onto every ounce of hope that she'll beat the cancer and I wouldn't expect anything less. Debra held on until the very end when she realized her body was riddled with cancer throughout her entire abdominal area, including her liver. It's the patients job to fight for their life! When there are children involved, it's the other parent and family to guide and prepare them through what may be the ultimate outcome...losing a parent.

When Debra and I were faced with her terminal cancer we quickly decided there was one main priority...Sofie. Not that we weren't thinking of ourselves in this situation, we were just thinking more of a little 7 year old who was about to lose a parent. We weren't living together so it took patience, understanding, collaboration and love to work through what was best for the kid...not what made either one of us feel better. We moved past our issues with the other adult and concentrated on spending quality time together and a family unit, all the while making the shift from Debra being primary parent to me being primary parent. Essentially we had 10 months from the time the recurrence occurred until Debra was arranging hospice to come assist her through the last week or so of her life.

What upsets me most about this case is the way the mother is being played the victim when actually it's the kids who are the true losers in this situation. (I am in no way insinuating she's playing the victim. Please note I said "played"...the media is really working the "because she has cancer" angle!) None of us know the full story but many folks are jumping to a conclusion (like I initially did) that may not be in the best interest of the children. As I've been pondering this case I can't help but think of how it would have affected Sofie if I weren't in the picture. Debra was really sick, especially near the end, so my condo became a place of respite for both of us. It's a time where we could spend quality time strengthening an already strong bond while others took care of Debra. There were definitely times that being around a very ill parent wore on Sofie. I couldn't imagine her having to endure that environment 24/7. I also couldn't imagine her not seeing Debra at all...thus my place firmly perched on the fence. My hope is there's a good team of people fighting for the kids in this case. A lawyer, social worker, psychologist...whoever can work together to make sure the kids get time with both parents in a way that supports their grief and growth.

What's right in this situation? Bottom line...whatever is best for the children.

My Rockstar Kid

I know, I know, I'm not posting enough on the blog. I do miss using this page as an interpersonal journal about a day in the life of (fill in the blank with whatever persona you have for me!) Yesterday was such a banner day in our house that I really want to share it with my world of blog readers.

I want to say that Friday, November 5, 2010 was a big "Day of Awesome" in our house. As many of you know, the school year had gotten off to a bit of a rocky start. Fourth grade was presenting new challenges for my strong willed daughter. First of all the amount of homework increased 10-fold(okay not really THAT much, but you get the picture!) Secondly, after years of being delayed in her learning she has caught up and excelled so much that she's now in the the gifted classes for Math and Reading. Let me just insert here, Debra would be SO proud! The gifted math will present a problem for me as math is probably my weakest subject...so friends who are math geeks, be prepared to assist with homework once she gets past Algebra 1!!

With all that said, the Day of Awesome, henceforth known as DOA(wait, that's not a good acronym...oh well, it'll have to do for now) has multiple components to it.


Awesome feat #1 - Straight A's on her report card(I'm actually amazed about that one since she had such homework struggles this 9 weeks!)

Awesome feat #2 - During her 4th grade class meeting she said that she told the kids it's not cool to say, "that's so gay" and laugh, because her family is gay.

Awesome feat #3 - Her teacher, who was leaving the school parking lot and saw me drive up, stopped and parked her car to come back in to tell me what Sofie had done in class that day...and it wasn't about the gay thing! Apparently there are 3 different kids going through divorces in their families and my empathetic, kind-hearted daughter consoled, talked with and helped these kids through various situations during the day. Her teacher said it was amazing to see her maneuver through those discussions with grace and ease. She is some kind of awesome that girl!

Some will congratulate me on great parenting, which to that I say simply, "Thank You." I do have moments of good parenting. However, the grace, intelligence and pride she exhibits in everyday life are all her!

May she continue to blossom into the incredible young woman she's well on her way to becoming!!

All in a year

A year ago today I wrote my last (for a whole year) entry to this blog. Very unintentionally, though. There were thoughts of taking the summer off from writing, then that turned into a few more weeks. Well, those weeks became months and here we are...a whole year later. Amazing a year has flown by so quickly.

To break it down, we've been busy learning, growing, parenting(me), traveling, experimenting, dating...a tad(me, again), playing, loving and making it all work!

Let's see if I can do quarterly synopses.

Summer 2009-

Sofie-Nana's, Camp Red Clover, Y Camp, Kayak Camp, Camp Barbara and Jacque, Camp California and more Y Camp. Gets a kayak for her birthday!



Jamie- Work, Work, more work, attempt to date but fails, work, organized a Durham Bulls game with friends, little trip to Austin TX in 103 degree heat!!, kayak with Sofie.



Fall 2009

Sofie - Enters 3rd grade at her wonderful elementary school, still hates reading, still loves sciences, purports to hate/not understand math, played soccer, spent time with Grammy and PePaw while mommy had adult time! Learned to ride her bike!!!



Jamie - Work, attempted to date but failed again, friend I hadn't seen since high school visited from Idaho, weekend getaway with friends to mountain(sans kidlet)

Winter 2009/10

Sofie - continued making great progress in 3rd grade, had first Christmas at home with tree and everything, got strep throat(gave it to me), had adenoids removed, hamster died(the day before her surgery!!)

Jamie - Gallbladder removal, hernia repair on a two for Tuesday surgery special, had first full sized Christmas tree in YEARS and truly got into the Christmas spirit(kids will do that to even the biggest scrooge!), had strep throat and survived the first surgery of my child.

Spring 2010

Sofie - still hates reading, still loves science, lukewarm on math, loves to draw and continues to be reptile/amphibian obsessed(hasn't lessened since she was 4!!), Spring Break travel to CA where we did touristy things, skipped soccer for Spring season(or as she called it, she "took a break"), went on her very first camping trip!



Jamie - Work, work, work, travel to CA with Sofie and a friend from TX joined us for the week, traded in the Mom van for a cooler Honda Element, bought a kayak, took the kidlet on her first camping trip!

Summer 2010 is just starting and Sofie has a busy summer! She'll be away from home more this summer than ever before. A total of 6 1/2 weeks spread over the summer. I'll miss her like crazy while enjoying some ME time!!

It is my intention to write more frequently. I hope the inspiration and discipline are back!!

Karma Chameleon Kid

So much is being written about grief in our lives I often forget to share the funny or good moments. Even through the grief there is much laughter and joy.

Last night we were hanging out with a friend and her daughter. Her daughter is quite the little performer! She did a few "costume" changes, practiced on the front porch then had Sofie introduce her before she belted out "If I Could Fly." Sofie, not one to perform in front of anyone, quietly stepped aside to hear her friend sing. After a rousing round of applause, both girls escaped back to the other girls bedroom for more playing. Fast forward a few minutes...my friend and I were engrossed in a deep conversation when I heard a familiar voice singing. Through the closed doors I hear Sofie let loose that fabulous 80's hit, Karma Chameleon in near perfect pitch! She was even singing the harmony parts and ALL the words...correctly. Why, you might ask, would my child be singing that fabulous 80's hit Karma Chameleon? Simply, she's currently obsessed with chameleons, she heard the song on the radio one day and asked me to download it onto my iPod. After several weeks of nagging me, I finally remembered to do it. She listened to the song about 5 times and had it memorized, recently proclaiming, "Mommy, did you hear me sing the ENTIRE song...all the way through?!?" She was beaming with pride. It is the simple things that make her smile (and my heart melt.) Oh, and "You're Welcome." I know you wanted that song stuck in your head the rest of the day, right?

Emotional highs and lows of parenting a grieving child

To my dismay, Facebook has taken me away from blogging as often I used to blog. It's so much easier to write a few sentences several times a day to update your friends on what's happening in your life. Recently, many of my friends probably got more information than they wanted to know. Some of my "friends" are virtual in nature...I never see them, they don't know what's truly going on in my life nor do I necessarily want to know them in those ways. However, the past month or so has been pretty emotional. Initially I had no idea what was going on with my baby girl. Yeah, I know she's almost nine and no longer a baby. But as my parents say about me, she'll always be my baby.

Much of what has taken place did so quickly. Although as life was occurring I felt a slow, stabbing pain in my heart every time Sofie was sad, crying or just plain checked out. Initially, I had no idea what was happening. It could have been a number of things. She didn't quite know what was going on for her, either. Her sadness was projected onto many "objects" including her new bed(that isn't even here yet!), her teacher, the cats, friends...you name it, something else often had misplaced sadness enveloping it. During this time, I felt so lost and alone. This aloneness created a Facebook monster who shared too much. Much of what I said was thinking outloud. Regretably, my loving friends who, try as they might, couldn't advise me and I couldn't take one sad little girls pain away.

My previous post answers the "why" to all the sadness. Simply missing Debra was the culprit. This week post Mother's Day has been very emotional. Sofie is now responding to what seems like "permission" she was given to grieve out loud. I want her pain to subside. Apparently, Mother's Day may be a trigger for her. It certainly was this year. I'll be more prepared next year...yeah, right! At least I'll be aware that there may be more heightened grieving in early May!

What's this last month been like for me? A mixture of heaven and hell. Disrupted sleep night after night does not make for a kind Mama. Constant requests for cuddles makes a swollen heart, bursting with love, Mama. Emotions all over the map. Often feeling so out of control and lost I wanted to (and sometimes did) scream! We've made it to the other side for now. The cries are farther apart. The mentions of missing Debra are less frequent. I know we'll come out of this okay. Unfortunately, the ride to the good side can be bumpy, lumpy and make Mama grumpy!

Mother's Day - 2009

Last year on Mother's Day, Sofie and I were coasting through life, exisiting on pure love, bliss and ignorance. I'm grateful for this blog because, to be honest, I don't even remember last Mother's Day. We were definitely on autopilot.

This year has been quite different. Don't get me wrong, it's been a great weekend. The weekend just hasn't gone without some notable sadness on Sofie's part. Many emotions are leaking out of her soul that's punctured with so much loss. I had a friend recently tell me that for kids, the first year of grief/loss can be the easiest because many just sail through not quite realizing what's really taken place. Only after they feel safe and secure do they really let it all hang out and the emotions become real. That's our life right now. Much sadness, clingy-ness and filled with grief.

The couple of weeks leading up to this weekend have been somewhat torturous while all the while overflowing with love. Sofie is a very "feeling" child. That's much of what I truly love about her. I envy her ability to show her emotions at such a young age. I never could and sometimes still struggle with showing appropriate emotions.

There have been many theories about what's going on with her. From separation anxiety about the impending "loss" of her 2nd grade teacher to the fact she's finally settling into our lives and feels comfortable expressing her sadness, loneliness and fears, she's settling into her own existence and life without Debra...and this morning she actually brought up for the first time, her birth mother. The bandage on her psyche was ripped off and I think Mother's Day may have been the underlying culprit.

The discussion about her birthmother, although unexpected, went basically the way I expected it might. During breakfast she asked if Mother's Day was meant for *all* mothers. By the way she asked that, I clarified with, "Do you mean Mama Debra, too?" She said yes but her body language told me there was a "but" or something to add to that. So I asked what she meant. "You know" was her answer. I thought a minute and said, "Do you mean your birth mother?" She nodded and said, "Why did she give me up for adoption?" And there it was...the question all adoptive parents anticipate, practice answering over and over in their minds and dread for life...was I going to answer it right?

Without missing a beat I mentioned the economic environment in Ukraine and the fact that her birth mother did exactly what was right in her situation. And of course I added that I'd be really lonely and sad if she weren't in my life. She had questions about Ukraine and why it was a poor country. Try explaining that to 2nd grader!! She had great questions that I sometime felt I was pulling the answers from the air, but I think the conversation went well. I can say one thing changed...she slept like a log last night. No sadness or clingy-ness. She actually had a reason not to sleep well last night. She had a pretty bad scooter accident last night, complete with several patches of road rash and a nice flesh wound on the palm of her hand.

Suffice to say, the girls alright. Here's a picture from Saturday just after her new haircut...which is perfect for her!

The Healing Continues

Yesterday, after arriving home from work to see Sofie playing happily with the babysitter, I thought just maybe she was starting to forgive and forget. I couldn't be further from the truth. After the sitter left, literally after she walked out the door, Sofie says, "I'm still mad at you for getting rid of Scout!" The she started crying. I just listened for awhile and assured her that I was sad, too. To which she counters, "How can you be sad! You're the one who gave him back!!" Wow, she asks some very pointed questions.

After explaining to her just how that was possible, we talked about future dogs. I told her when we're ready...not anytime soon...we'll look for a good match that's an adult dog with the help of a trainer who specializes in that type of work. She said,
"They don't get to live with you as long!" I clarified, not an old dog, just a dog, not a puppy. Maybe a year or two old and house trained. Then comes the stab to the heart, "Can't we get Scout back after someone trains him?" My heart shattered right there.

After that comment, I explained that probably couldn't happen because if someone takes the time to train him, they're probably not going to give him up. She cried some more, but after cuddles, laughing and reading she fell asleep normally. Actually I fell asleep mid sentence while reading to her! "Mom, why aren't you reading?" she says as I snore lightly in her ear! We laughed, then both fell asleep. It wasn't until I woke up wide-eyed at 1a did I even realize I'd fallen asleep at 830p and completely missed Obama! Guess I'll have to read the text.

On the way to school this morning she said the van smelled like puppy. She wasn't sad, just a matter-of-fact observation. Maybe she's starting to forgive...and forget.

The Morning After...

Thinking I would get a good nights sleep last night was a ridiculous notion. After the departure of Scout(to be known as Donner from now on) last night, I had to write about it...process the previous 72 hours(plus the weeks leading up to all this.) How did I let this happen? What was my motivation behind choosing a puppy? Why did I give up so easily? How am I going to tell Sofie? What am I going to tell Sofie? And so many other thoughts occurred. My brain churned and churned all night. If it were made of cream, it would be a big blob of butter about now!

After blogging last night, I got into bed and thought about reading. Apparently, that's all I did because the next thing I know, Sofie is in my room asking me why I was still up. (I wasn't, but lights on meant I was awake!) She curled up next to me and we fell asleep...with the light on. At some point she woke up and asked me to turn my light off after she got some water. I did and for whatever reason, I blurted out, "Scout's gone back to Jackie's. He's going to live there now." Breaking the news like that was not quite what I would have chosen. As the news streamed out of my mouth I realized I had some 'splaining to do, Lucy. Let me just say, the realization that you've just ripped the heart out of your child will wake you out of the deadest of sleeps! She burst into tears. I explained, in the most coherent way I could in the middle of the night, I had had made a big mistake. It wasn't about her, it wasn't about the puppy, it was about me just plain and simple. She sobbed like I'd never seen her sob before. Oddly, it was more intense than she cried after Debra died. (I think she was overwhelmed with the whole death thing...and the tears lasted for a long time.) She finally feel asleep, weeping in my arms.

Gracie, the cat, was back in bed with us this morning...finally emerging from the guest room. I wondered if that would make Sofie feel better. She was glad to see Gracie, but still remained teary during much of the morning routine. Feeling a tad guilty, I offered her breakfast at Elmo's before school. She seemed skeptical, like it couldn't happen since they "take a long time to cook." (Her words, not mine.) Often on Tuesday's I go in late, so I knew the timing wouldn't be difficult for me. We had a lovely breakfast out, then off to school she went.

I'm not sure how the day went for her. I know I'll hear all about it. She's really upset, but I think she knows I was stressed and not being a nice Mom to her. I just worry that this is another loss in her life. She's been through so much. As resilient as she is, she's still heartbroken.

One thing I offered as a future possibility was getting an adult dog. Not now, later, after we've healed from this. She's open to that. I just better be damned sure this time that I can take care of the dog and maintain sanity!!!

Lessons learned - my initial thoughts

Tonight, after much deliberation and loving discussions with Jackie, the foster mom to all the pups, Donner/Scout/Donner again is now back in their loving home. She and her husband came in the dark of the night to retrieve the world's sweetest pup and all the accoutrement. I'll now get a good night's sleep and won't be the evil mom I had become tonight. Sofie doesn't know, but we talked about it tonight and I was bitch mom from hell, so after initial sadness she'll be okay. We do have visitation rights if we choose to exercise them. I hope Sofie chooses to visit him on occasion.

There are a few key lessons I've learned. The biggest is TRUST YOUR GUT...no matter how deeply buried that feeling is, it's there for a reason. Listen to the whispers. Sanity could be preserved and all would be well in the world. I had puppy dreams that should have clued me in. I thought I was doing the right thing. Simply put, I was wrong. Jackie and I had an honest, loving discussion tonight. What a kind, kind woman she is. No judgment was passed and only loving thoughts were expressed.

Lesson number two...DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP!! This was a life lesson. A hard one, but definitely not as difficult as others I've learned. This is a lesson learned...one that I won't soon forget, but I won't let it weigh me down. I have to figure out how I'm going to let my darling daughter know that the puppy is back at his other home. It will help that we can visit Donner.

HEAL THYSELF BEFORE SPREADING THE LOVE TOO THIN. Jackie helped me realize that both Sofie and I are still healing and although the love of a dog wasn't wrong, the timing can. We aren't emotionally equipped to handle puppy duties. At some point down the road I do believe we will have a great dog in our life...just not now and just not a puppy.

I'm emotionally drained and physically tired so off to bed I go. There will more to write about tomorrow.

Our journey into puppyhood...a first night perspective

Apparently my regular life is too boring to write about anymore, so now that we have a puppy the excitement is back?!?! Kick me, pinch me, send me a scathing email if I become a person who ONLY talks about their puppy(and the puppy's bowel habits.) I still have a very spunky girl to write about...now that will include her adventures in puppyness, too. Currently he's curled up at my feet, sleeping while I type...how cute is that?!?!

Scout had a very successful first day and night home. He was neutered yesterday afternoon, so we picked him up around 230p from the vet's office. His bother Winston was being picked up at the same time by our friends S and J, and their daughter's E and K. After signing tons of paperwork, getting instructions for post-op care and saying good by to their foster mom, we were off to the new home. Scout wasn't quite interested in leaving the vet, but since he's food oriented all it took was a treat or two! The 5 minute ride home was uneventful...a little whining, but encouraged Sofie to speak quietly and lovingly and reassure him.

We arrived home and our lives into puppyness started. He explored his new surroundings, well the limited version of his new surroundings. He was starving so I filled up a Kong with kibble and fed him. Feeding a puppy in his Kong is a way to encourage chewing on his chewy and discourage chewing on anything else! He's still learning that there is actual kibble IN the Kong, but he's smart and I'm sure he'll figure it out. Below, you can see that he is a bit perplexed!



I purchased a baby gate for the stairs to keep him in and give the cats a refuge from him. Our friend Matt came over to help install it. It looked pretty simple because the manufacturer included a template to use for wall placement...only after he installed both sides and tried to hang the gate did we realize they included the WRONG template!! Matt is a great guy so while his son was playing with Sofie, he undid what he had installed, then we just did our own measuring and replacing of mounts. It's installed beautifully! All thanks to Matt!

Sofie and I took Scout on little jaunts to encourage outdoor toileting. He didn't go and didn't go and didn't go, so we put him in his crate and headed to dinner at our favorite Chinese place. We were gone a couple of hours and upon our return took him on another jaunt. This time he was successful on both accounts! We threw a party each time, with treats. Want to give him all the positive reinforcement possible!

After coming back inside, we played a bit with his tug toy. I encouraged Sofie to play, but unfortunately he likes to chew and climb on her and it's a little hard to deal with. We're going to work with a trainer, so I hope she can work with Sofie and Scout to develop a good relationship. I'm a little worried that Sofie is going to have a hard time with Scout. He doesn't jump on me at all, so I'm not even sure what that's about with her! Maybe he thinks kids taste better!!

Sleeping was very much like a newborn last night...except newborns aren't in crates...well, now that I think about it, cribs are very crate-like! Each time he went into his crate there was initial whining, which evolved into the cutest howling. Eventually he'd just plop down, sigh and fall asleep. I was up at 1a, 4am-ish and 7a. When he whined at those times, it never subsided so I assumed there was a reason. I assumed correctly. Every time we went out, he used the potty. Smart dog!! At the 1a outing he got a little play reward for peeing and pooing within 3 minutes! Here's a picture of that play time.

Same time, last year

A year ago this week began the final days of Debra's life. There were many people milling about the house, mostly out of towner's. Family but somewhat strangers in Sofie's life. It's all sort of a blur for me. I just know I was doing all I could to make the culmination of this week be a little less hurtful for one brave little girl. It was also the last week of school for Sofie just before the Winter break. Tonight I was reminded of how profoundly those two events overlap in Sofie's life.

Increasingly, over the past few weeks, Sofie has a had a night where it's been difficult to fall asleep. When she's sad, she can't sleep...when I'm sad, I sleep too much. We've worked through the tough nights and much to her credit, she's very good at identifying and stating her needs. She figured out on her own that laying in the bed when she's having a hard time falling asleep is counterproductive for her. We've gotten into a little routine on those nights. The evenings all start out with the same pre-sleep rituals...tooth brushing, bathroom, reading, snuggles then sleep. On those nights she can't fall asleep or nights that I think she's asleep but later find out she's not, she comes out of her room and tells me she's sad and can't sleep. We talk about missing Debra, we cry, we cuddle and most recently we play a quick game of Mancala. ( A game she's recently discovered and one I haven't played since college...but I still have my board and it's getting great use now!) It gets her mind out of the sad loop and allows for sleep.

Tonight was no different...except we didn't play Mancala. It was just too late for that on this Winter's night. It was important for her to sleep early because we have an early birthday breakfast at Elmo's for our friend Tracey. She keeps asking when we're going and tonight I reminded her we have to be at Elmo's at 7a tomorrow morning. (Yes, I realize it's after midnight and I'm awake!) I was actually very close to sleep when she came into my room around 9p. "Mommy, I can't sleep." Earlier in the evening she asked if this coming week was the last week of school before Winter break. I gave a quick yes and thought nothing more of it. "Remember last year, the Friday of this week? That's when Debra died. I think that's why I'm having a hard time sleeping tonight" Well, I promptly burst into tears. I had no idea she remembered the date and had associated it with the last week of school before break. Here, I've been trying to re-define (or at least add to the definition) this time of year and holidays by creating new traditions and creating good memories and what's really a button for her is the week before break?!? Wow, I didn't really see that one coming.

After crying, talking and cuddling I let her sleep in my bed. She had to promise to go right to sleep even if I was reading in bed with the light on. Less than five minutes later, soft snores were creeping my way. Of course then I couldn't sleep. And now I'm up blogging after midnight!

Well off I go to snuggle with my little girl who is so clued in and in touch with her feelings that I realize she's not such a little girl anymore.

The Mouse vs The White House?

Below is an entry I posted on my Facebook page. I realize not everyone is on Facebook, so I'm re-posting on my blog:

About a month ago, my friend Sandy and I decided it would be great for our families to take a trip to Disney. I certainly didn't want to go solo and her family added playmates for Sofie, quality time with friends and possible bit of downtime for me. Plus it's a week in the happiest place on earth, right? We picked a week based on when our girls had a little time off school , then the parents scheduled time off work. All felt right and we'd spend time having fun in Florida without mosquitoes or crowds!

Then I realized I was crazy for thinking I could afford this with 2 mortgages, taxes, etc. to pay. I was simply living an unreal pipe dream. Fortunately I knew better than to even remotely mention this to Sofie, so no disappointment there! Besides, she's seen the mouse more times in her 8 years than I have in my 43!! So, I let it go. Election Day happened and ALL was right with the world. I quickly realized I had the week of the inauguration off and no plans to head to Mouseland. Well, my head starting spinning with possibilities. Could we head to DC and witness history? I quickly put out feelers for places to stay. There was a firm bite on my first cast. My dear friend Rick quickly and graciously offered his guestroom in Baltimore. We'd landed the big fish so how could we not go?

Two days ago, Sandy called with an incredibly generous offer. She and her husband Rick(not the same Rick in Baltimore!) would pay upfront for our trip and we could pay them back. There began the whirling and spinning in my head.

History with huge crowds VS Fun with no crowds?
History witnessed with good friends VS Fun experienced with good friends?
Basically free week of fun, learning and history VS an greatly reduced, but still quite expensive week of fun?
Did I mention witnessing history?

I'll admit that even when I posted the poll to masses, my mind was leaning very far towards the witnessing history aspect. I'm a nerd at heart and I really want Sofie to experience DC in many positive ways. What better way to start than, let me hear it, WITNESSING HISTORY!!! I was just giving the mouse another chance. To see if anyone could sway me. Arguments were good and points were well taken. After sleeping and processing and processing and sleeping I've come to the conclusion that....drum roll, please.................................................

The White House wins!!!!!

Sorry Sandy(and family) but I gotta go with my gut on this one. Disney will always be there and someday we will all make a trip there. Just not the week of January 18th, 2009.

Angela said it best, I don't have a picture of the mouse as my profile picture, so Obama it is! (The image is just below.)


Even if I'm planted in front of a TV in the DC Metro area, watching the inauguration in the company of friends, we will still experience the positive energy rolling into DC and the heavy, weighted energy rolling out. We will go to the parade. We will see museums. We will spend time with friends I haven't seen in forever. We will feel the HOPE and experience the CHANGE!

Sorry Mouse, we'll catch ya later.

UPDATE:

I told Sofie of January adventures to DC, the inauguration, the museums, just the overall experience in DC. DC is one of my favorite cities to visit and making it a fun place for Sofie is most important for future visits. She could hear the excitement in my voice and asked many questions. How many times have you visited? What's your favorite place? Is the museum like the one in Night at the Museum(I had just mentioned the Natural History museum and all it's glory)? The question that gave me a warm fuzzy feeling all over...Can I take my camera?!?! (Said with much enthusiasm) What a cool kid I have.

No Apologies

Life has been going along as usual. Since I last posted an entry Sofie has started a new school doing, as she says, "2nd grade...again." If I had *any* doubts about transferring schools or having her repeat 2nd grade they are all but diminished. She is thriving beyond my wildest dreams. Her confidence is growing by leaps and bounds. She loves her new school, her new teacher and her new pals. Asking her what she likes about her school will elicit responses from, "the science lab!!" to "we get snacks during school!" The first day we were driving home, she says "Mommy I think you did a really good job of picking a new school for me." Score!

Soccer season is going full force. Sofie is playing with many of the girls she played with last season. We had big excitement at her soccer game this past Friday evening. She was sitting out her turn, resting while the others were playing. A few minutes pass and she runs around from her side of the field to where I was sitting with other parents. Her front tooth fell out! Actually it was so loose, her water bottle hit it and it fell out.


Sunday, she had a make-up game from a few weeks ago. Afterwards she said, "Mommy, do you think you should pull my other front tooth?" After much deliberation, we got number two out!

Now I just hope school pictures are taken soon!!

I know many people are wondering how we're doing. All I can say is the best we can. There are up days and down days. Mostly any sadness comes in small bits. We continue to talk about Debra when we can...I don't want Sofie to forget her. Whenever we're cuddling in my bed with both cats, Sofie says we're having family bed...and Debra's right there! (She points over to the empty side of the bed.) Recently I've felt a sadness just under below the surface of my skin. Today, I realized this time last year we found out her tumors were growing, the Cancer was spreading and the 5th chemo wasn't working either. Treatment was stopped which signaled the beginning of the end...officially. Anniversaries, no matter how insignificant, often produce strong emotions or memories.

We're dealing the best we can and I make no apologies for that.

Pictures

During the whole move/combining of condo and house stuff I lost the cord that allowed me to connect my camera to the computer to upload photos. Today I bought Sofie her birthday present a month or so early. Debra and I both had wanted her to have her own camera...she has a good eye for taking photos, so after a friend advised me about the type of camera she bought her daughter I purchased a similar camera. Here are her first round of pictures.

While buying her camera I invested a small amount of $$ on a card reader...a brilliant invention I might add. So I've linked to other sets of pictures here, here and here. Enjoy.

One year ago today...

Debra posted this blog entry: Heart to heart and only 6 months later she was gone.

I re-read it with very mixed emotions. She had so much hope that also bordered on unrealistic expectations, but I guess that's kind of what hope is. She only got through one thing on her "bucket list" of travel before she died. Sad...so sad. Tomorrow it will be the Summer Solstice and 6 months from the day her spirit left this earth for another plane. It was very thoughtful(and knowing Debra, intentional) of her to die at a time with an easy date to remember!!

It's also the season of Frameline. As I told a friend earlier today, this will always be a bittersweet time for me. No matter what was going on in our lives/relationship(good or bad), this time of year was when we slowed down... er, actually rushed around SF flitting from one film to another, but that's neither here nor there...and spent time together with lots of different friends enjoying the good and bad of the film festival. I will always think of this time of year with only the fondest of memories.

Life continues on for the two of us. Summer camps, summer travel, more summer camp then back to school! We enter this summer season knowing Debra is always with us and watching our backs helping us maneuver through this life as we know it.

Shedding Negativity, Shedding Friends

Everyday for the past 2 1/2 years I've been getting an email from DailyOM. Many days I read the subject line, peruse the first paragraph or simply just delete them due to lack of time. Today's title struck a hard, loud chord with me. The Friend We Want To Be could not have been written at a more appropriate time than now. In fact I was just having a conversation on this very topic with a friend over the weekend. We both commented that we are at a place in our lives that requires we shed negative people/energy/relationships from our lives. It's tough but very necessary to lose that negative weight and lighten up your life.

There is one sentence in the article that really spoke to me:

Life, with its many twists, turns, and challenges, is difficult enough without us entertaining people in our inner circle who drain our energy.

There have been friends in my life that have drained my energy, not in a soul-sucking-life-force kind of way but more like how you feel after you've been hiking outside on a hot, humid August day in the South...without the sweat, of course! The realization didn't occur that my energy was being spent until after my pockets were nearly empty and no loose change could be found.

With all that has twisted and turned on this roller coaster called life, I've become more aware of those friends and trying to shed them more quickly. However there are a few that stay in that inner circle until one day a line is crossed by either party then there's no going back for either of you. Those are the ones that hurt the most. Could it have been avoided? Maybe, but not likely.

Everyone loses old friends and gains new ones. Sometimes it hurts when we lose old ones, sometimes it's a relief. Often it's exciting when we gain new friends, then later it becomes a challenge. Friends can come and go temporarily, but those friendships are easily identified. Those are the friends that no matter how much time passes between contact, you pick up with a conversation like you started it yesterday. Those are also the friends that you can offer suggestions without losing them.

Along with negativity, I'm trying to shed drama from my life. Okay, I realize that's a bit unrealistic because everyone has issues that arise. Life events like, say Cancer, don't fall into the category of drama. For me drama can be explained best by the definition Albert Einstein gave to insanity. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Replace insanity with drama and that's my definition of what drives me insane when other people can't seem to get out of life cycles that have become comfortable to them. Part of that insanity was thinking I could help them when it's not my purpose to do so. Life lesson for me: You can't FIX everything, especially those things that don't want to be fixed. I realize that sounds kind of pompous to think that what I know or feel is the right path for someone else. That's not where I'm coming from at all. I do have a serious intuitive streak so my gut feelings are often spot on. Trusting my gut is something I've learned to do over the years, so this is just one more way that I'm doing it.

For those friends that I've lost over the years, I only wish them peace, happiness and a healthy mind. For friends that are in my life now, let's hope we can continue our friendships but if that's not the case it's not anyone person's fault. We all come into each others lives for some reason. Often it's not until after they've left your life that you understand fully what that reason was.

What Makes a Family? - Blogging for LGBT Families Day

Monday is the 3rd (hopefully)Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day, sponsored by Mombian. In honor of this festive day I thought I'd write about family and what it means to me and what I think it means to Sofie.

Family is love.

Sofie and I tell each other multiple times a day that we love each other. Sometimes it's in response to doing something good for the other, but more times than not it's just out of the blue and very heartfelt. The look she gets on her face as she is oozing love is absolutely priceless and that image is forever etched in my memory. Family is love.

Family can come in all shapes, sizes, colors and even dimensions(not a measurement, but a plane of existence!)

Sofie continues to say we're a family of six. Two moms, a kid, two cats and a hamster. It matters not one bit to her that one of her mothers is no longer here in the physical sense. The sixth, in spirit, member is always with us, so says Sofie!

For many LGBT families, the majority of "family" has no blood relations. Family is community. Family are those who come into your lives to teach you and learn from you. Family are people you don't have to see every day, but know they are in your heart and you are in theirs. Family is there for the good, but more importantly for the bad, too. Family rarely agrees with you. Family challenges you. Family respects you. Family may not understand you, but hopefully they accept you.

Family...many faces, many lives, mostly love.