A Grief of My Own

There's been much written and discussed lately about Sofie's grief and how I've been finding ways to help her explore that grief. There's also been slight mention of my grief over Debra's death, too. What I haven't been talking about with anyone other than my therapist and a few friends, is the harder grieving I've been faced with. Even now, it's hard for me to write about it without a pang of guilt, so please bear with me as I move forward.

For those of you who aren't on Facebook or one of my friends on Facebook, you may not be aware of the tough times I'm having with single parenting. Recently I jokingly posted a status update eluding to a tantrum I had that morning. It wasn't a joke. I had a major tantrum. If I'd been a toddler, my mommy would have had to drag me out of the room kicking and screaming! The catalyst for the explosion had to do with all the junk spread around the guestroom by another child and Sofie but it had nothing to do with the core of the fit I had.

Standing in the middle of our family room throwing air punches at nothing was my release that morning. (Sofie was NOwhere near me...she was in the shower, playing happily with her loofah and wasting water.) The tantrum I had was a result of me coming to the realization that I didn't ask to be a single parent and the loss of the life that went away with that change.

Please understand, this is only me expressing loss for the life I had. I love Sofie and love being her mom. I truly believe we were meant to be each others person. We're both learning and teaching so much to the other. I'd rather be co-parenting than single parenting, that's all. It's just not what I expected my life would be. I was in denial about this for first year but have slowly(and not always graciously) been dealing with this since.

There's still a bit of guilt around this for me. More so about how I am when I'm tired and cranky. The fuse gets shorter and the tongue lashings get longer. As I'm getting cranky with her she mostly throws it right back at me...which makes me crankier. Then, as I become reflective and self aware, I become sad. I don't want her to have the short fuse that seem to have when I'm overwhelmed.

This summer there will be at least 2 weeks when she's away. There will be much respite for me. For sure there will be a week in the mountains with her godmother and a week in Charlotte with both MY mother and my best friends family. Potentially, she'll be in California for a couple of weeks but I'm not 100% sure that's going to happen at this point. Whatever time she's away, I'll miss her while enjoying a touch of the freedom I once had. Hoping that time will allow me to clear my head and figure out ways to not let this get out of control like it has over the past few months.

Karma Chameleon Kid

So much is being written about grief in our lives I often forget to share the funny or good moments. Even through the grief there is much laughter and joy.

Last night we were hanging out with a friend and her daughter. Her daughter is quite the little performer! She did a few "costume" changes, practiced on the front porch then had Sofie introduce her before she belted out "If I Could Fly." Sofie, not one to perform in front of anyone, quietly stepped aside to hear her friend sing. After a rousing round of applause, both girls escaped back to the other girls bedroom for more playing. Fast forward a few minutes...my friend and I were engrossed in a deep conversation when I heard a familiar voice singing. Through the closed doors I hear Sofie let loose that fabulous 80's hit, Karma Chameleon in near perfect pitch! She was even singing the harmony parts and ALL the words...correctly. Why, you might ask, would my child be singing that fabulous 80's hit Karma Chameleon? Simply, she's currently obsessed with chameleons, she heard the song on the radio one day and asked me to download it onto my iPod. After several weeks of nagging me, I finally remembered to do it. She listened to the song about 5 times and had it memorized, recently proclaiming, "Mommy, did you hear me sing the ENTIRE song...all the way through?!?" She was beaming with pride. It is the simple things that make her smile (and my heart melt.) Oh, and "You're Welcome." I know you wanted that song stuck in your head the rest of the day, right?

More tears

Is Spring really a time for renewing or is it a time for reliving? For a girl who who's opening up more about the loss of one of her mother's, it seems to be reliving the same stories over and over again. Sofie's grief continues to reach heights I didn't realize possible. I'm not sure who offered this tidbit of advice to her, but I'm about ready to kick that person in the shin. Recently someone(and I honestly cannot remember who) told Sofie to think about all the good times with Debra. That would help her feel less sad. Well, that couldn't be farther from the truth. She's now circling the drain on a few certain memories...what she calls, "the good memories" and it's doing nothing but making her more sad. Interestingly when I ask her what about those memories make her happy, she can't tell me. She just says, "Mama Debra was alive." So I don't think it's specific memories, I just think it's anytime she can remember when Debra was alive. I have an idea that she's forgetting Debra and this might be the spark igniting her sad flame. Recently, anytime she thinks of or misses Debra she wants to see pictures...more specifically a couple of random accidental videos that Debra recorded on her digital camera...those accidental videos have her voice present. I admit, sometimes when I miss Debra, I listen to them, too. I know all of this will pass, it's just hard to see your baby girl suffer so much.

Yesterday was a particularly sad day for Sofie. When I couldn't think of anything else to do for her, I remembered a letter that Debra had written to Sofie the night before she was scheduled for her hysterectomy. Debra thought she was going to die during the procedure so she wrote a note and labeled it to be read to/by Sofie in the event of her death. Fortunately she stuck it away in a book and forgot about it because she never got around to writing anything else for Sofie. That saddens me so much. This winter I rediscovered the letter and last night I read it to Sofie. The first time through, I sobbed as much as Sofie. After the initial run through, Sofie's sobs permeated the air. Her body heaved and thrashed with so much pain. I pulled it together and read it again, this time with the flair that Debra would have used. It was a perfect letter for Sofie. Even though it alluded to a 5 1/2 year old Sofie, the nearly 9 year old Sofie soaked up the words. For that, I am grateful.

We still have bumpy days ahead but I know it's a mere blip in our long journey ahead.

Emotional highs and lows of parenting a grieving child

To my dismay, Facebook has taken me away from blogging as often I used to blog. It's so much easier to write a few sentences several times a day to update your friends on what's happening in your life. Recently, many of my friends probably got more information than they wanted to know. Some of my "friends" are virtual in nature...I never see them, they don't know what's truly going on in my life nor do I necessarily want to know them in those ways. However, the past month or so has been pretty emotional. Initially I had no idea what was going on with my baby girl. Yeah, I know she's almost nine and no longer a baby. But as my parents say about me, she'll always be my baby.

Much of what has taken place did so quickly. Although as life was occurring I felt a slow, stabbing pain in my heart every time Sofie was sad, crying or just plain checked out. Initially, I had no idea what was happening. It could have been a number of things. She didn't quite know what was going on for her, either. Her sadness was projected onto many "objects" including her new bed(that isn't even here yet!), her teacher, the cats, friends...you name it, something else often had misplaced sadness enveloping it. During this time, I felt so lost and alone. This aloneness created a Facebook monster who shared too much. Much of what I said was thinking outloud. Regretably, my loving friends who, try as they might, couldn't advise me and I couldn't take one sad little girls pain away.

My previous post answers the "why" to all the sadness. Simply missing Debra was the culprit. This week post Mother's Day has been very emotional. Sofie is now responding to what seems like "permission" she was given to grieve out loud. I want her pain to subside. Apparently, Mother's Day may be a trigger for her. It certainly was this year. I'll be more prepared next year...yeah, right! At least I'll be aware that there may be more heightened grieving in early May!

What's this last month been like for me? A mixture of heaven and hell. Disrupted sleep night after night does not make for a kind Mama. Constant requests for cuddles makes a swollen heart, bursting with love, Mama. Emotions all over the map. Often feeling so out of control and lost I wanted to (and sometimes did) scream! We've made it to the other side for now. The cries are farther apart. The mentions of missing Debra are less frequent. I know we'll come out of this okay. Unfortunately, the ride to the good side can be bumpy, lumpy and make Mama grumpy!

Mother's Day - 2009

Last year on Mother's Day, Sofie and I were coasting through life, exisiting on pure love, bliss and ignorance. I'm grateful for this blog because, to be honest, I don't even remember last Mother's Day. We were definitely on autopilot.

This year has been quite different. Don't get me wrong, it's been a great weekend. The weekend just hasn't gone without some notable sadness on Sofie's part. Many emotions are leaking out of her soul that's punctured with so much loss. I had a friend recently tell me that for kids, the first year of grief/loss can be the easiest because many just sail through not quite realizing what's really taken place. Only after they feel safe and secure do they really let it all hang out and the emotions become real. That's our life right now. Much sadness, clingy-ness and filled with grief.

The couple of weeks leading up to this weekend have been somewhat torturous while all the while overflowing with love. Sofie is a very "feeling" child. That's much of what I truly love about her. I envy her ability to show her emotions at such a young age. I never could and sometimes still struggle with showing appropriate emotions.

There have been many theories about what's going on with her. From separation anxiety about the impending "loss" of her 2nd grade teacher to the fact she's finally settling into our lives and feels comfortable expressing her sadness, loneliness and fears, she's settling into her own existence and life without Debra...and this morning she actually brought up for the first time, her birth mother. The bandage on her psyche was ripped off and I think Mother's Day may have been the underlying culprit.

The discussion about her birthmother, although unexpected, went basically the way I expected it might. During breakfast she asked if Mother's Day was meant for *all* mothers. By the way she asked that, I clarified with, "Do you mean Mama Debra, too?" She said yes but her body language told me there was a "but" or something to add to that. So I asked what she meant. "You know" was her answer. I thought a minute and said, "Do you mean your birth mother?" She nodded and said, "Why did she give me up for adoption?" And there it was...the question all adoptive parents anticipate, practice answering over and over in their minds and dread for life...was I going to answer it right?

Without missing a beat I mentioned the economic environment in Ukraine and the fact that her birth mother did exactly what was right in her situation. And of course I added that I'd be really lonely and sad if she weren't in my life. She had questions about Ukraine and why it was a poor country. Try explaining that to 2nd grader!! She had great questions that I sometime felt I was pulling the answers from the air, but I think the conversation went well. I can say one thing changed...she slept like a log last night. No sadness or clingy-ness. She actually had a reason not to sleep well last night. She had a pretty bad scooter accident last night, complete with several patches of road rash and a nice flesh wound on the palm of her hand.

Suffice to say, the girls alright. Here's a picture from Saturday just after her new haircut...which is perfect for her!

The Healing Continues

Yesterday, after arriving home from work to see Sofie playing happily with the babysitter, I thought just maybe she was starting to forgive and forget. I couldn't be further from the truth. After the sitter left, literally after she walked out the door, Sofie says, "I'm still mad at you for getting rid of Scout!" The she started crying. I just listened for awhile and assured her that I was sad, too. To which she counters, "How can you be sad! You're the one who gave him back!!" Wow, she asks some very pointed questions.

After explaining to her just how that was possible, we talked about future dogs. I told her when we're ready...not anytime soon...we'll look for a good match that's an adult dog with the help of a trainer who specializes in that type of work. She said,
"They don't get to live with you as long!" I clarified, not an old dog, just a dog, not a puppy. Maybe a year or two old and house trained. Then comes the stab to the heart, "Can't we get Scout back after someone trains him?" My heart shattered right there.

After that comment, I explained that probably couldn't happen because if someone takes the time to train him, they're probably not going to give him up. She cried some more, but after cuddles, laughing and reading she fell asleep normally. Actually I fell asleep mid sentence while reading to her! "Mom, why aren't you reading?" she says as I snore lightly in her ear! We laughed, then both fell asleep. It wasn't until I woke up wide-eyed at 1a did I even realize I'd fallen asleep at 830p and completely missed Obama! Guess I'll have to read the text.

On the way to school this morning she said the van smelled like puppy. She wasn't sad, just a matter-of-fact observation. Maybe she's starting to forgive...and forget.

The Morning After...

Thinking I would get a good nights sleep last night was a ridiculous notion. After the departure of Scout(to be known as Donner from now on) last night, I had to write about it...process the previous 72 hours(plus the weeks leading up to all this.) How did I let this happen? What was my motivation behind choosing a puppy? Why did I give up so easily? How am I going to tell Sofie? What am I going to tell Sofie? And so many other thoughts occurred. My brain churned and churned all night. If it were made of cream, it would be a big blob of butter about now!

After blogging last night, I got into bed and thought about reading. Apparently, that's all I did because the next thing I know, Sofie is in my room asking me why I was still up. (I wasn't, but lights on meant I was awake!) She curled up next to me and we fell asleep...with the light on. At some point she woke up and asked me to turn my light off after she got some water. I did and for whatever reason, I blurted out, "Scout's gone back to Jackie's. He's going to live there now." Breaking the news like that was not quite what I would have chosen. As the news streamed out of my mouth I realized I had some 'splaining to do, Lucy. Let me just say, the realization that you've just ripped the heart out of your child will wake you out of the deadest of sleeps! She burst into tears. I explained, in the most coherent way I could in the middle of the night, I had had made a big mistake. It wasn't about her, it wasn't about the puppy, it was about me just plain and simple. She sobbed like I'd never seen her sob before. Oddly, it was more intense than she cried after Debra died. (I think she was overwhelmed with the whole death thing...and the tears lasted for a long time.) She finally feel asleep, weeping in my arms.

Gracie, the cat, was back in bed with us this morning...finally emerging from the guest room. I wondered if that would make Sofie feel better. She was glad to see Gracie, but still remained teary during much of the morning routine. Feeling a tad guilty, I offered her breakfast at Elmo's before school. She seemed skeptical, like it couldn't happen since they "take a long time to cook." (Her words, not mine.) Often on Tuesday's I go in late, so I knew the timing wouldn't be difficult for me. We had a lovely breakfast out, then off to school she went.

I'm not sure how the day went for her. I know I'll hear all about it. She's really upset, but I think she knows I was stressed and not being a nice Mom to her. I just worry that this is another loss in her life. She's been through so much. As resilient as she is, she's still heartbroken.

One thing I offered as a future possibility was getting an adult dog. Not now, later, after we've healed from this. She's open to that. I just better be damned sure this time that I can take care of the dog and maintain sanity!!!

Lessons learned - my initial thoughts

Tonight, after much deliberation and loving discussions with Jackie, the foster mom to all the pups, Donner/Scout/Donner again is now back in their loving home. She and her husband came in the dark of the night to retrieve the world's sweetest pup and all the accoutrement. I'll now get a good night's sleep and won't be the evil mom I had become tonight. Sofie doesn't know, but we talked about it tonight and I was bitch mom from hell, so after initial sadness she'll be okay. We do have visitation rights if we choose to exercise them. I hope Sofie chooses to visit him on occasion.

There are a few key lessons I've learned. The biggest is TRUST YOUR GUT...no matter how deeply buried that feeling is, it's there for a reason. Listen to the whispers. Sanity could be preserved and all would be well in the world. I had puppy dreams that should have clued me in. I thought I was doing the right thing. Simply put, I was wrong. Jackie and I had an honest, loving discussion tonight. What a kind, kind woman she is. No judgment was passed and only loving thoughts were expressed.

Lesson number two...DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP!! This was a life lesson. A hard one, but definitely not as difficult as others I've learned. This is a lesson learned...one that I won't soon forget, but I won't let it weigh me down. I have to figure out how I'm going to let my darling daughter know that the puppy is back at his other home. It will help that we can visit Donner.

HEAL THYSELF BEFORE SPREADING THE LOVE TOO THIN. Jackie helped me realize that both Sofie and I are still healing and although the love of a dog wasn't wrong, the timing can. We aren't emotionally equipped to handle puppy duties. At some point down the road I do believe we will have a great dog in our life...just not now and just not a puppy.

I'm emotionally drained and physically tired so off to bed I go. There will more to write about tomorrow.

Our journey into puppyhood...a first night perspective

Apparently my regular life is too boring to write about anymore, so now that we have a puppy the excitement is back?!?! Kick me, pinch me, send me a scathing email if I become a person who ONLY talks about their puppy(and the puppy's bowel habits.) I still have a very spunky girl to write about...now that will include her adventures in puppyness, too. Currently he's curled up at my feet, sleeping while I type...how cute is that?!?!

Scout had a very successful first day and night home. He was neutered yesterday afternoon, so we picked him up around 230p from the vet's office. His bother Winston was being picked up at the same time by our friends S and J, and their daughter's E and K. After signing tons of paperwork, getting instructions for post-op care and saying good by to their foster mom, we were off to the new home. Scout wasn't quite interested in leaving the vet, but since he's food oriented all it took was a treat or two! The 5 minute ride home was uneventful...a little whining, but encouraged Sofie to speak quietly and lovingly and reassure him.

We arrived home and our lives into puppyness started. He explored his new surroundings, well the limited version of his new surroundings. He was starving so I filled up a Kong with kibble and fed him. Feeding a puppy in his Kong is a way to encourage chewing on his chewy and discourage chewing on anything else! He's still learning that there is actual kibble IN the Kong, but he's smart and I'm sure he'll figure it out. Below, you can see that he is a bit perplexed!



I purchased a baby gate for the stairs to keep him in and give the cats a refuge from him. Our friend Matt came over to help install it. It looked pretty simple because the manufacturer included a template to use for wall placement...only after he installed both sides and tried to hang the gate did we realize they included the WRONG template!! Matt is a great guy so while his son was playing with Sofie, he undid what he had installed, then we just did our own measuring and replacing of mounts. It's installed beautifully! All thanks to Matt!

Sofie and I took Scout on little jaunts to encourage outdoor toileting. He didn't go and didn't go and didn't go, so we put him in his crate and headed to dinner at our favorite Chinese place. We were gone a couple of hours and upon our return took him on another jaunt. This time he was successful on both accounts! We threw a party each time, with treats. Want to give him all the positive reinforcement possible!

After coming back inside, we played a bit with his tug toy. I encouraged Sofie to play, but unfortunately he likes to chew and climb on her and it's a little hard to deal with. We're going to work with a trainer, so I hope she can work with Sofie and Scout to develop a good relationship. I'm a little worried that Sofie is going to have a hard time with Scout. He doesn't jump on me at all, so I'm not even sure what that's about with her! Maybe he thinks kids taste better!!

Sleeping was very much like a newborn last night...except newborns aren't in crates...well, now that I think about it, cribs are very crate-like! Each time he went into his crate there was initial whining, which evolved into the cutest howling. Eventually he'd just plop down, sigh and fall asleep. I was up at 1a, 4am-ish and 7a. When he whined at those times, it never subsided so I assumed there was a reason. I assumed correctly. Every time we went out, he used the potty. Smart dog!! At the 1a outing he got a little play reward for peeing and pooing within 3 minutes! Here's a picture of that play time.

Our new addition to the family

Introducing Scout!

He’ll be joining our family this coming Saturday after he’s neutered. Scout (formerly known as Donner) found his way into our hearts a few weeks ago after friends who are adopting Comet told me their story. If you’re interested, please check out the blog that the foster family kept during their time with them. http://web.me.com/jdmac2/Holly_&_Rein-pups_of_OND/Home.html

There are lots of pictures from birth on, and each pup has a page describing their personalities. Check out Donner’s page. He’s a big softy. (And I thing big is an accurate description…take a look at his paws!!) Breed is, well, ½ German Shepherd(his mother)…his father is an unknown, but highly suspected to be Australian Shepherd due to the fact that 3 of the 8 puppies have stub tails(Scout included!!) His mother is a beauty and very smart…she literally broke away(collar and chain included) from her previous keeper(who wasn’t taking good care of her) and found her way to a Vet’s office the day before she dropped those 8 beauties!

We’re adopting through Independent Animal Rescue, a Durham based organization. Through this adoption he will come to us micro-chipped, neutered with first round of shots and Frontline treatment. The foster family has also done a great job with crate training so that will make the transition to a crate at our house easier. Also included with the adoption are 3 free one-on-one sessions with a local trainer. We’ve also signed up for a 6 week puppy course that is built on trust and respect between puppy and his people. Both Sofie and I will attend the class.

Before you all start offering advice or concerns, just know that we’re not entering this blindly. I know it’s like having a baby. I know it’s going to take time to build a good relationship between Scout and all the other inhabitants of the family home. Interestingly, for the past few weeks I’ve been waking up between 4a-5a every morning…getting in the habit before he arrives! I’ve also had numerous talks with Sofie regarding responsibilities (good and bad.) This is a great age for a kid to get a dog, too.

Of course my biggest concern is introducing to the cats, but everyone I’ve spoken with and every book I’ve read says it’s much easier to introduce a puppy to cats than dogs to cats! So here we go on our next adventure. Fingers crossed it’s a good one!!

I'm sure there will be more posts in the near future on our adventures in puppy training with lot's of pictures, too.

Sofie and Jamie's Excellent California Adventure (Part 2)

Day two-Santa Cruz to Brisbane

After having a lovely first night of Hanukkah with Laurie and Maya, plus a nice visit with Alan, we went to bed fairly early to play "catch-up" on our sleep. From Laurie's house you can see the Santa Cruz Boardwalk which had absolutely no activity while we were there. However, right beside the boardwalk is the pier that houses many sea lions lazing on the pylons underneath the pier. I know this because at 3a, I woke up to barking...not dog barking, sea lion barking. Later in the day Laurie, Sofie and I headed down to explore the pier and allow Sofie to snap some photos.

It was a beautiful, sunny day with a brisk breeze blowing about. The sea lions were contently perched beneath the traffic of holiday shuffling. Is it me, or do you think this sea lion is posing?!?!(Notice the catty glance upwards towards Sofie.)

It was also quite breezy that day. To my surprise, Sofie actually admitted she was cold! We meandered on the not so crowded pier, shopped a bit, had hot chocolate, then off to Laurie's for packing up the car but not before we saw this as we were leaving:

Yep, that's a seagull with a starfish hanging out of it's mouth, seemingly stuck in the bird's gullet. There was discussion in the car wondering if we should pull the starfish out of the sea gull's mouth. (As if that bird would have stayed there waiting for one of us to grab it around the body and yank it's dinner out of its' mouth!) I was worried that it couldn't swallow the meal, since it was probably only slightly smaller than the bird. We witnessed it try, with no success, to swallow. In the end, we left poor Gully to fend for himself. Maybe the pelican could help him out!

After fun in Santa Cruz, Sofie and I packed up the car and headed Northwest to Brisbane to visit the Wexler's and share in second night of Hanukkah. It was rainy, foggy and nearly dark when we were finally on the freeway heading north. If I uttered these words once, I uttered them a dozen times..."Yay, traffic...one thing I really don't miss about the Bay Area!" Sofie agreed, but alas we were on the road again!

It was dark by the time we arrived at the Wexler's home. Parking(another thing I don't miss) was a pain. There were teenage boys with fake guns(I hope) running around their street playing some sort of laser tag or non-paint paintball. At some point, Becky and Wex came out and instructed me to park in their driveway. Which I happily obliged with the rental car fully blocking the sidewalk. As we went inside, I was just hoping the teenagers were kind to the cars.

Walking into the Wexler house I always get a warm fuzzy feeling. With a chef in the house, there are usually wonderful smells wafting about. That night was no different. Naomi, the eldest Wexler child(who is actually a freshman in college) was making a heaping pile of latkes. Sofie and Tamar(the youngest Wexler) immediately went off to play, so I enjoyed chatting with Becky, Wex, Naomi and Nathan(the middle Wexler.) We caught, reminisced about prior visits that had included Debra. (One day I really have to write about the time Debra and I took Nathan and Naomi to Los Angeles to see Lion King on stage and a day at Universal studios. It was less than a month after 9/11 so we experienced airline travel in its utmost fearful state. With all that was going on in the world, we managed our own "Escape to L.A." for a wonderful trip with fun memories including losing Nathan at Universal Studios...but I digress!)

We lit the menorah, discussed the meaning of Hanukkah. Afterward, we sat for dinner. A lovely dinner with tasty food. A dinner where Ms. Picky eater ate a plate of turkey...that's it, turkey. Whatever. I enjoyed every morsel. We chatted more thru dinner. Nathan talked about getting the part of "Mark" for the local community theatre only to have the play yanked from any community theatre production. Bummer. He's such a talented guy. Luckily, they had a DVD of his recent performance as the Master of Ceremonies in his high school performance of "Cabaret." I'm amazed every time I see him on stage. Keep an eye out for him...or his sister, Naomi. The Wexler family is bursting with talent. Naomi is a gifted singer and studying music in college. Tamar seems to be the athlete of the family, something she and Sofie had in common.

By 9p I felt as if I'd hit a brick wall. I needed to sleep, right then! Originally we were supposed to drive to Palo Alto and stay at Debra's mom and sister's house. Fortunately, the Wexler's rearranged and Sofie and I slept like logs in Nathan's bed.

We snuck out of the house around 730a to head to Palo Alto. Nancy, Sofie and I were heading into San Francisco to spend some time at the newly re-opened (after years of being closed for renovation) California Academy of Science in Golden Gate Park.

Since that was such a long day, I'll continue on with that day in Part III of our adventure...soon.

Sofie and Jamie's Excellent California Adventure (Part 1)

Flight Day (aka...day from hell!)

Saturday started off in a fairly normal fashion. The guy who's installing the wood stove stopped by to take measurements and transport the other one over to Mary and Rebecca's. Of course this wasn't before he told me the inside of the old one needs many parts replaced(I always wondered why that internal wall was bowing inward!!)

After wood stove guy left, I rushed to finish packing and making sure all was well with the animals. Fresh litter, water and food. After a few hours of that, Annette and Angela came by to transport us to the airport. Big shout out to them for airport transportation. It was much appreciated!!

Finally we're at RDU awaiting our JetBlue flight to JFK where we were to (at a leisurely pace) transfer to another JetBlue flight to Oakland. Well, this is where the story *really* begins! Upon checking our bags, we were advised our flight was delayed out of RDU to JFK. The timing put us precariously close to departure time out of JFK to OAK. Egads. That was the last flight out of JFK, so we really needed to make that flight!!

Sofie and I proceeded to the airport bar for a drink a late lunch since we had time to kill. After a million dollar burger we meandered towards our gate only stopping to caress and drool over the latest Webkinz display strategically placed right in the walking path of every child!! Sofie asked, I said No, too close to Christmas and that's all that was said. The drooling and pawing over the ones she doesn't have didn't stop but I didn't have to hear about it!



We arrived at our gate, found our "comfortable" chairs...NOT. And proceeded to wait. I had to laugh every time Sofie complained about an out of hand, loud, whiny child and remind her that she was once that young, too. After a wait that seemed an eternity, we boarded our flight to JFK. (In hindsight, we had NO idea what an eternity felt like until we boarded the flight from JFK to OAK.) The flight from RDU went smoothly. We almost had to wait on 14 unaccompanied minors to deplane first...FOURTEEN!!!! Luckily the ground grew made the call of returning to get them once we had deplaned. Whew! I was still concerned we were going to miss our flight to Oakland. Once we landed, we dashed off the plane and luckily found our departing gate just across the aisle! Unfortunately we didn't get to spend any time exploring the fabulous new T5 JetBlue terminal at JFK. Maybe we'll see a bit on our way home.



The departing flight was delayed a little but we were settled in on the flight by 8p. The flight attendants said that shouldn't change our arrival time of 1030p by much. They couldn't have been more wrong. After sitting on the tarmac for an hour waiting to be de-iced we finally started our journey towards the West Coast. Normally it's a five hour flight time but we weren't that lucky that night. After take-off, the captain came on reporting strong(160-200mph) headwinds so we were going to fly a little north to miss those winds. Visualize a straight line from JFK to OAK, then think a little north. Does that area include CANADA? MINNESOTA? a DAKOTA?!?! I didn't think so. But there we were a little airplane on the screen crawling towards the west coast. That "little bit north" flying required a stop in Salt Lake City to refuel. Oh, joy!



I have to say, Sofie was a dream during all of this. When she got bored with watching Animal Planet on the TV in front of her face, she colored. After that she slept some. Only a few times did she ask if we were there yet. When I showed her the map, she decided for the duration of the flight she'd keep that on her screen so she wouldn't have to ask me every five minutes. Smart girl.



We arrived in Oakland at the very prompt hour of 130A! Only 3 hours late. Off to pick up baggage we go. We had a rental car that I'd pre-paid on Priceline.com, so transportation wasn't going to be an issue...or was it? The airport was relatively busy due to all the delayed flights. However, walking out to the transport area to the car rental lots might as well been a ghost town. (I swear I saw a tumbleweed roll by!) I called Hertz twice(and of course got two different answers) and tried Priceline but they were ringing busy. Sofie and I sat a little while longer, all alone, waiting on the bus for rental cars. Finally he showed up about 215a. He told us he had just dropped another family off at Hertz and hopefully they were still open. The rental lots are FAR away from the terminal!! Fortunately we got there and found one very nice gentlemen with his finger on the off light switch. He stayed, got us our car and off to Brenda's we went.



By this time I had been up 24 hours and I was exhausted. We got in our jammies, snuggled in B's very cozy bed and off to dreamland we went.


Day one-Oakland to Santa Cruz



We woke up STARVING. Realizing we had lived on that million dollar burger, pistachio's, water and whatever snack JetBlue provided for all of Saturday, we were hungry. Of course it was pouring down rain and I was going to be driving to Santa Cruz after that breakfast we were going to have. Lucky for us, Brenda left a 25% off coupon to Fenton's Creamery. When I lived here, I'd only had their ice cream but we decided to give it a try. So after showering and loading the car we headed to Piedmont Avenue for some breakfast. Upon arrival I was very surprised what I found...they have a PARKING LOT!!! We pulled right in, ran inside and had a yummy breakfast.



After breakfast we got back into our rental car to start our trip towards Santa Cruz. Not one to have bought into the whole GPS Navigation system, I was hesitant to use the one provided in the car. I would never have on for day to day living, but it's been a great asset for this trip and all the traveling to different locations we did. I plugged in Laurie and Maya's address and off we go. I did find myself arguing with the GPS lady and bucking the system a few times. Sofie was amused and enjoyed watching the map on the screen.

After an hour and a half or so, we arrived at their front door. We chilled out and just caught up most of the day. Alan showed up since he was leaving for Seattle that night...or so he thought. At some point Laurie, Maya and I went out for groceries while Alan and Sofie played indoor mini-golf. Later we cooked and ate dinner, said our goodbyes to Alan, then we lit the menorah. After that it was bedtime for us so we crawled into the bed Laurie graciously gave up for us to sleep in. What a good nights sleep we got. Enough to prepare us for our next days adventures!

(to be continued)

Same time, last year

A year ago this week began the final days of Debra's life. There were many people milling about the house, mostly out of towner's. Family but somewhat strangers in Sofie's life. It's all sort of a blur for me. I just know I was doing all I could to make the culmination of this week be a little less hurtful for one brave little girl. It was also the last week of school for Sofie just before the Winter break. Tonight I was reminded of how profoundly those two events overlap in Sofie's life.

Increasingly, over the past few weeks, Sofie has a had a night where it's been difficult to fall asleep. When she's sad, she can't sleep...when I'm sad, I sleep too much. We've worked through the tough nights and much to her credit, she's very good at identifying and stating her needs. She figured out on her own that laying in the bed when she's having a hard time falling asleep is counterproductive for her. We've gotten into a little routine on those nights. The evenings all start out with the same pre-sleep rituals...tooth brushing, bathroom, reading, snuggles then sleep. On those nights she can't fall asleep or nights that I think she's asleep but later find out she's not, she comes out of her room and tells me she's sad and can't sleep. We talk about missing Debra, we cry, we cuddle and most recently we play a quick game of Mancala. ( A game she's recently discovered and one I haven't played since college...but I still have my board and it's getting great use now!) It gets her mind out of the sad loop and allows for sleep.

Tonight was no different...except we didn't play Mancala. It was just too late for that on this Winter's night. It was important for her to sleep early because we have an early birthday breakfast at Elmo's for our friend Tracey. She keeps asking when we're going and tonight I reminded her we have to be at Elmo's at 7a tomorrow morning. (Yes, I realize it's after midnight and I'm awake!) I was actually very close to sleep when she came into my room around 9p. "Mommy, I can't sleep." Earlier in the evening she asked if this coming week was the last week of school before Winter break. I gave a quick yes and thought nothing more of it. "Remember last year, the Friday of this week? That's when Debra died. I think that's why I'm having a hard time sleeping tonight" Well, I promptly burst into tears. I had no idea she remembered the date and had associated it with the last week of school before break. Here, I've been trying to re-define (or at least add to the definition) this time of year and holidays by creating new traditions and creating good memories and what's really a button for her is the week before break?!? Wow, I didn't really see that one coming.

After crying, talking and cuddling I let her sleep in my bed. She had to promise to go right to sleep even if I was reading in bed with the light on. Less than five minutes later, soft snores were creeping my way. Of course then I couldn't sleep. And now I'm up blogging after midnight!

Well off I go to snuggle with my little girl who is so clued in and in touch with her feelings that I realize she's not such a little girl anymore.

The Mouse vs The White House?

Below is an entry I posted on my Facebook page. I realize not everyone is on Facebook, so I'm re-posting on my blog:

About a month ago, my friend Sandy and I decided it would be great for our families to take a trip to Disney. I certainly didn't want to go solo and her family added playmates for Sofie, quality time with friends and possible bit of downtime for me. Plus it's a week in the happiest place on earth, right? We picked a week based on when our girls had a little time off school , then the parents scheduled time off work. All felt right and we'd spend time having fun in Florida without mosquitoes or crowds!

Then I realized I was crazy for thinking I could afford this with 2 mortgages, taxes, etc. to pay. I was simply living an unreal pipe dream. Fortunately I knew better than to even remotely mention this to Sofie, so no disappointment there! Besides, she's seen the mouse more times in her 8 years than I have in my 43!! So, I let it go. Election Day happened and ALL was right with the world. I quickly realized I had the week of the inauguration off and no plans to head to Mouseland. Well, my head starting spinning with possibilities. Could we head to DC and witness history? I quickly put out feelers for places to stay. There was a firm bite on my first cast. My dear friend Rick quickly and graciously offered his guestroom in Baltimore. We'd landed the big fish so how could we not go?

Two days ago, Sandy called with an incredibly generous offer. She and her husband Rick(not the same Rick in Baltimore!) would pay upfront for our trip and we could pay them back. There began the whirling and spinning in my head.

History with huge crowds VS Fun with no crowds?
History witnessed with good friends VS Fun experienced with good friends?
Basically free week of fun, learning and history VS an greatly reduced, but still quite expensive week of fun?
Did I mention witnessing history?

I'll admit that even when I posted the poll to masses, my mind was leaning very far towards the witnessing history aspect. I'm a nerd at heart and I really want Sofie to experience DC in many positive ways. What better way to start than, let me hear it, WITNESSING HISTORY!!! I was just giving the mouse another chance. To see if anyone could sway me. Arguments were good and points were well taken. After sleeping and processing and processing and sleeping I've come to the conclusion that....drum roll, please.................................................

The White House wins!!!!!

Sorry Sandy(and family) but I gotta go with my gut on this one. Disney will always be there and someday we will all make a trip there. Just not the week of January 18th, 2009.

Angela said it best, I don't have a picture of the mouse as my profile picture, so Obama it is! (The image is just below.)


Even if I'm planted in front of a TV in the DC Metro area, watching the inauguration in the company of friends, we will still experience the positive energy rolling into DC and the heavy, weighted energy rolling out. We will go to the parade. We will see museums. We will spend time with friends I haven't seen in forever. We will feel the HOPE and experience the CHANGE!

Sorry Mouse, we'll catch ya later.

UPDATE:

I told Sofie of January adventures to DC, the inauguration, the museums, just the overall experience in DC. DC is one of my favorite cities to visit and making it a fun place for Sofie is most important for future visits. She could hear the excitement in my voice and asked many questions. How many times have you visited? What's your favorite place? Is the museum like the one in Night at the Museum(I had just mentioned the Natural History museum and all it's glory)? The question that gave me a warm fuzzy feeling all over...Can I take my camera?!?! (Said with much enthusiasm) What a cool kid I have.

No Apologies

Life has been going along as usual. Since I last posted an entry Sofie has started a new school doing, as she says, "2nd grade...again." If I had *any* doubts about transferring schools or having her repeat 2nd grade they are all but diminished. She is thriving beyond my wildest dreams. Her confidence is growing by leaps and bounds. She loves her new school, her new teacher and her new pals. Asking her what she likes about her school will elicit responses from, "the science lab!!" to "we get snacks during school!" The first day we were driving home, she says "Mommy I think you did a really good job of picking a new school for me." Score!

Soccer season is going full force. Sofie is playing with many of the girls she played with last season. We had big excitement at her soccer game this past Friday evening. She was sitting out her turn, resting while the others were playing. A few minutes pass and she runs around from her side of the field to where I was sitting with other parents. Her front tooth fell out! Actually it was so loose, her water bottle hit it and it fell out.


Sunday, she had a make-up game from a few weeks ago. Afterwards she said, "Mommy, do you think you should pull my other front tooth?" After much deliberation, we got number two out!

Now I just hope school pictures are taken soon!!

I know many people are wondering how we're doing. All I can say is the best we can. There are up days and down days. Mostly any sadness comes in small bits. We continue to talk about Debra when we can...I don't want Sofie to forget her. Whenever we're cuddling in my bed with both cats, Sofie says we're having family bed...and Debra's right there! (She points over to the empty side of the bed.) Recently I've felt a sadness just under below the surface of my skin. Today, I realized this time last year we found out her tumors were growing, the Cancer was spreading and the 5th chemo wasn't working either. Treatment was stopped which signaled the beginning of the end...officially. Anniversaries, no matter how insignificant, often produce strong emotions or memories.

We're dealing the best we can and I make no apologies for that.

Parenting Holiday - Day Nine

After making a visit to our local farmer's market yesterday morning, I sit here with a fresh tomato sandwich on Rosemary bread made with all farmer's market products(except the mayo, salt and pepper.) YUM!! Man, is this sandwich good!!

Well, it's been slightly over a week with out the presence of the kidlet and I have very mixed emotions about it all. I've really enjoyed the flexibility of my schedule, the downtime from being mom 24/7 and the enjoyment of no one creeping into my bed in the middle of the night. With that said, I miss her like crazy!! The fact that I've talked to her only twice since she left is a tribute to how much fun she's having and I'm thankful of that. She deserves a week or two of unasbashed fun and spoiling. Reports from the adults involved are positive, so that's reassuring. I'm just looking forward to Thursday night and picking her up from the airport and giving her a big squeeze.

What have I been doing with all my free time you may wonder? Not as much as I may have liked in some areas but exactly the right amount in others. I had grand plans to kickstart a huge organization project of the entire house. After merging two homes, there's a ton of duplicates and stuff we just don't need anymore. I want to simplify and get the clutter out of our lives and make cleaning and keeping the house straightened more manageable. I have high aspirations and with my friend Crystal and her help the house will be sparkelized by the beginning of Fall if not sooner!! I'm tackling Sofie's room first. She has way too many toys, her room doesn't flow well and we're both sick of the baby colors on the walls. She needs a room that fits her style and something she can grow into a little more. Today, toys/clothes will be purged and donated(or sent to Will, her cousin, if it's appropriate for him.) There are other tasks to do, but if I start thinking about it too much, I'll just freak out, so I'll stop talking about this aspect of my free time.

I've had lovely visits with friends. Dinner with Amy, Cindy and Melinda, and Sarah. Brunch with Betty and Delma and later today I'm going over to their place for a dinner of homemade pastas AND sauces!! Susi is coming over today to hang out while I clean. I have a few other plans this week to hang with friends. If I don't get everyone scheduled in, I'll also have the week Sofie's at Camp Kesem to hang, too.

I've had trouble adjusting to the free time. The first day at work when she was in CA, I stayed there for a ridiculously long time. Mostly just because I could! The cats aren't liking this new schedule. There's no one at home to feed them dinner when they demand it. (Speaking of food...I just took the last bite of my tomato sandwich...this must be what Heavan tastes like.) I've gotten a ton of rest and watched movies that I'd not get to watch at a normal hour with Ms. Sofie home. Not ONCE have I watched Pokemon, Tom and Jerry, Scooby-Doo or any movie rated less than PG-13!

Speaking of movies, last night my friend Sarah and I tempted fate and chose Hancock over the X-Files movie. Fate was surprisingly on our side. Here's a tip. Go see it but don't read ANYthing about it before you go. Don't let all the surprises and twists get ruined. Sarah and I knew a minimal amount and were both somewhat skeptical. Seriously, how much can they write about a superhero with an attitude and alcohol problem. It's seemed like the makings of a thin script to both of us. We were thankfully willing to overlook our skepticism and risk it. Layers, this movie has layers...not too mention it's funny and has some pretty cool special effects. {Off soapbox now}

Enough update for now. I must start sparkleizing the house!

Parenting Holiday - Day One

Today is officially the first day of a two week parenting holiday provided by a fine group of friends and family in Northern California! How am I spending that day? Right now, I'm sitting in an awesome hotel room in Chicago at Hotel Allegro waiting for my friend Kim to wake up so we can go downstairs for their complimentary coffee bar. However, I'm up at this ungodly hour because I woke up wonder if my dear daughter arrived safely in CA and how the rest of the trip went.

There's good reason to have that wonder, so let me fill you in. Sofie and I left NC yesterday around 2p EST on a Southwest flight with final destination(for me) as Chicago. Of course you know, with SW there's no such thing as a short flight anywhere! We had a quick flight to Nashville with an hour and a half to kill before the next flight. We left Nashville at around 4p CST arriving in Chicago around 530p or so. Our plans were to meet up with David, Dawn and family(Debra's brother and family) so Sofie could continue on with them to San Jose. While waiting at the baggage carousel, Dawn calls from the freeway with an update. Even after allowing PLENTY of time to get to the airport, the Friday afternoon traffic gods had other plans for them...first a huge accident, then weather and probably followed by other accidents!

In the meantime, bags are riding the conveyor belt round and round with nothing looking remotely like our bags. By this time Kim has arrived at baggage to meet us so she did a great job of entertaining/being entertained by Sofie while I did a sweep of the area to discover neither of our bags. Oh joy!! Lost bags(or as the SW agent said, "delayed bags")...whatever! I still didn't have either of our bags! Time was slipping by, Sofie had another plane to catch and neither bag was there. I filled out a report, having my bag sent to the hotel and her bag on the next flight to San Jose after the "delay" was no longer an issue. After that paperwork was finished the three of us headed upstairs to the ticketing area to wait. By this point Sofie was a little cranky due to thirst and hunger. Big kudos to Kim for taking her away to find a beverage while I was dealing with baggage issues. I had already bought her a big bag of popcorn from the Nuts on Clark store she spotted in the airport. My girl LOVES popcorn, so her tummy was okay and the crankies went away...but I fear this was only temporary.

The Friedlands arrived after a horrific commute in just in time to miss the plane. I made the quick decision(later regretting but knowing it was probably the right decision) to leave Sofie with them and make a clean, quick break. Dawn called a little later to say the put them on a flight to Oakland that would arrive at 1130p PST...that's 230AM in Sofie's little body. The were then going to have to rent a car there and drive to Palo Alto. Sofie was supposed to be picked up at San Jose by Laurie and Maya for the first leg of Camp California. The Santa Cruz leg has been delayed a day, but hopefully they'll get good time with her. Huge shout outs to the Friedland family for taking care of my girl and making sure she arrived in CA, safe and sound.

Meanwhile, Kim and I arrive at our hotel, check in and immediately look for dinner. We ended up a block or two away having deep dish pizza. Unfortunately they "pushed the wrong button" when entering ingredients into the computer so we were delay an extra 30 plus minutes it took to remake our pizza. It was okay, we just chatted and caught up on life. Laughing, crying and all the emotions in between. We've been in each others lives for 17 years(I think) and always have lots to say when we're together. She's a friend I value tremendously and I'm glad we get to have a little fun in Chicago!

So what's the fun going to be? Well, you didn't hear it hear, but I'm finally getting my second tattoo! Kim's cousin is a very fine tattoo artist in Chicago, so I'm going to see what he can come up with given the ideas I have. Kim's getting her's beautified. How cliche, right? Tattoo's on vacation! Well, that's how I got my first one. Debra and I were in Hawaii. That tattoo was a Valentine's Day gift from Debra so very special to me even today. Along with getting "tatted up" we're going to try to get tickets to Wicked or Blue Man Group for this evening. Fingers crossed it's Wicked!

In hindsight, I didn't plan enough time in Chicago but I will make the most of it...as soon as I have my coffee!

Pictures

During the whole move/combining of condo and house stuff I lost the cord that allowed me to connect my camera to the computer to upload photos. Today I bought Sofie her birthday present a month or so early. Debra and I both had wanted her to have her own camera...she has a good eye for taking photos, so after a friend advised me about the type of camera she bought her daughter I purchased a similar camera. Here are her first round of pictures.

While buying her camera I invested a small amount of $$ on a card reader...a brilliant invention I might add. So I've linked to other sets of pictures here, here and here. Enjoy.

Update: Tick 2008 - Newsflash!!

After speaking with the doctor on-call at our family practice, she immediately put my mind at ease. She informed me that our area isn't one to have a high incidence of Lyme Disease. She also suggested a Single-Dose of Doxycycline as a preventative type measure. Now I can breathe a sigh of relief. Since we don't know what type tick it really was, only that it was teeny tiny, we'll "monitor" Sofie for a month making sure there's no rash or fever. Now it seems I have my own fear of bugs and what they might do to my kid. This is going to be a fun four weeks remaining of Camp Riverlea and all the creepy crawlies that go along with it. This is certainly NOT helping me deal with Sofie's fear of bugs situation.

Late night Summertime conundrum

As she was getting ready for bedtime tonight I noticed Sofie scratching and picking at a mole between her neck and shoulder. Upon further investigation I realized it was the world's tiniest tick. After successful removal...with just a few tears...we settled in for bedtime story. As I was finishing up the next to last chapter of Oggie Cooder, Sofie says to me, "Mom, I don't want to go to Camp Riverlea on Monday." Why? I ask. "I don't want to see or be around all the bugs." We chatted more about it and she has really developed a fear(a bit irrational) of bugs. She cried many tears and said "I'm afraid of bugs." I tried to explain that bugs don't harm you and won't bite/sting you unless provoked.

Now I sit hear, wide awake, after innocently looking up what that tiny tick was. (Curse me for having a librarian mind that must know everything!!) These so called tiny ticks are probably deer tick which often carry LYME DISEASE!!!!!!! She'll be pretty sure that she did nothing to provoke that tick! Now what?

Racing through my head at the moment:

• Did she have a red bulls-eye ring on her shoulder? (I don't remember!!)


• How long has that tick been there? (It was so tiny, I have no idea!)


• Did I get it all? (I think/hope/wishful thinking so)


• WHY did I flush it down the toilet? (Because.)


• Should I call Dr. Marum's on call phone? (it's nearly 130am!!) (No, I'll wait until morning...a decent hour of morning)

Needless to say, if she does have Lyme Disease this will not help the bug fear! What a way to start Summer!

One year ago today...

Debra posted this blog entry: Heart to heart and only 6 months later she was gone.

I re-read it with very mixed emotions. She had so much hope that also bordered on unrealistic expectations, but I guess that's kind of what hope is. She only got through one thing on her "bucket list" of travel before she died. Sad...so sad. Tomorrow it will be the Summer Solstice and 6 months from the day her spirit left this earth for another plane. It was very thoughtful(and knowing Debra, intentional) of her to die at a time with an easy date to remember!!

It's also the season of Frameline. As I told a friend earlier today, this will always be a bittersweet time for me. No matter what was going on in our lives/relationship(good or bad), this time of year was when we slowed down... er, actually rushed around SF flitting from one film to another, but that's neither here nor there...and spent time together with lots of different friends enjoying the good and bad of the film festival. I will always think of this time of year with only the fondest of memories.

Life continues on for the two of us. Summer camps, summer travel, more summer camp then back to school! We enter this summer season knowing Debra is always with us and watching our backs helping us maneuver through this life as we know it.

Shedding Negativity, Shedding Friends

Everyday for the past 2 1/2 years I've been getting an email from DailyOM. Many days I read the subject line, peruse the first paragraph or simply just delete them due to lack of time. Today's title struck a hard, loud chord with me. The Friend We Want To Be could not have been written at a more appropriate time than now. In fact I was just having a conversation on this very topic with a friend over the weekend. We both commented that we are at a place in our lives that requires we shed negative people/energy/relationships from our lives. It's tough but very necessary to lose that negative weight and lighten up your life.

There is one sentence in the article that really spoke to me:

Life, with its many twists, turns, and challenges, is difficult enough without us entertaining people in our inner circle who drain our energy.

There have been friends in my life that have drained my energy, not in a soul-sucking-life-force kind of way but more like how you feel after you've been hiking outside on a hot, humid August day in the South...without the sweat, of course! The realization didn't occur that my energy was being spent until after my pockets were nearly empty and no loose change could be found.

With all that has twisted and turned on this roller coaster called life, I've become more aware of those friends and trying to shed them more quickly. However there are a few that stay in that inner circle until one day a line is crossed by either party then there's no going back for either of you. Those are the ones that hurt the most. Could it have been avoided? Maybe, but not likely.

Everyone loses old friends and gains new ones. Sometimes it hurts when we lose old ones, sometimes it's a relief. Often it's exciting when we gain new friends, then later it becomes a challenge. Friends can come and go temporarily, but those friendships are easily identified. Those are the friends that no matter how much time passes between contact, you pick up with a conversation like you started it yesterday. Those are also the friends that you can offer suggestions without losing them.

Along with negativity, I'm trying to shed drama from my life. Okay, I realize that's a bit unrealistic because everyone has issues that arise. Life events like, say Cancer, don't fall into the category of drama. For me drama can be explained best by the definition Albert Einstein gave to insanity. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Replace insanity with drama and that's my definition of what drives me insane when other people can't seem to get out of life cycles that have become comfortable to them. Part of that insanity was thinking I could help them when it's not my purpose to do so. Life lesson for me: You can't FIX everything, especially those things that don't want to be fixed. I realize that sounds kind of pompous to think that what I know or feel is the right path for someone else. That's not where I'm coming from at all. I do have a serious intuitive streak so my gut feelings are often spot on. Trusting my gut is something I've learned to do over the years, so this is just one more way that I'm doing it.

For those friends that I've lost over the years, I only wish them peace, happiness and a healthy mind. For friends that are in my life now, let's hope we can continue our friendships but if that's not the case it's not anyone person's fault. We all come into each others lives for some reason. Often it's not until after they've left your life that you understand fully what that reason was.

Summer beginnings

Well the South has had one scorcher of week or two. It's not officially Summer and we're already feeling like the humid days of August. Bleech. On days like those I miss Northern California foggy days.

Summer is off to a rip roaring start for our family...so rip roaring that I sense it's going to fly by at a breakneck pace. This was week one of Summer Vacation for Sofie. She spent the mornings at Duke Soccer School for Girls (isn't that a funny name?) The first few days were a pleasant 100plus degrees, but by Friday it was a chilly 90 degrees. She seemed to enjoy it, so that made me happy. She had a variety of child care providers this week, but seemed to have fun since it always seemed to involve swimming.

The next five weeks are spent at Camp Riverlea...her third summer. We went to the open house today. What an awesome place! No wonder it's the most popular summer camp in Durham...or the hardest to get in due to repeat customers. The place is expansive and I totally understand why she's tuckered out by days end.

A quick rundown of the remainder of summer reads like this. Fly to Chicago with Sofie to pass over to David and Dawn (Debra's bro and sis-in-law) so they can fly the remainder of the way to CA for the beginning of Camp California/Camp Sofie. (A perk for me is spending the weekend in Chicago and having adult fun time!!) Upon return from CA, it's her 8th birthday. Followed by a week of random activities, then her beloved Camp Kesem!! Back for a week long camp at ERUUF, then she starts her new school year at her new school! See, summer will be overwith in a flash!!

In my other world...work...news abound. My company was sold...again. We've come full circle, going from small family run company through iterations of mega information conglomerates back to family run company who want and need us and are willing to invest in us. I will no longer working for "the man" so much. My coworkers all seem to be feeling good about this. I just hope that when the lease runs out, we move closer to Durham! Fingers crossed. My boss left the company so now I'm reporting to my old boss. All seems well, otherwise.

I've finally been utilizing babysitters and going out with friends and having child free fun. I'm enjoying it...Sofie? Not so much. I've noticed a change in her mood since I've started having adult only time. I'm sure it'll be fine...we have great babysitters...she just really ends up missing me at bedtime. Bedtime...that's another issue I'm too tired to write about. Just know it's a struggle and we're working on it.

What Makes a Family? - Blogging for LGBT Families Day

Monday is the 3rd (hopefully)Annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day, sponsored by Mombian. In honor of this festive day I thought I'd write about family and what it means to me and what I think it means to Sofie.

Family is love.

Sofie and I tell each other multiple times a day that we love each other. Sometimes it's in response to doing something good for the other, but more times than not it's just out of the blue and very heartfelt. The look she gets on her face as she is oozing love is absolutely priceless and that image is forever etched in my memory. Family is love.

Family can come in all shapes, sizes, colors and even dimensions(not a measurement, but a plane of existence!)

Sofie continues to say we're a family of six. Two moms, a kid, two cats and a hamster. It matters not one bit to her that one of her mothers is no longer here in the physical sense. The sixth, in spirit, member is always with us, so says Sofie!

For many LGBT families, the majority of "family" has no blood relations. Family is community. Family are those who come into your lives to teach you and learn from you. Family are people you don't have to see every day, but know they are in your heart and you are in theirs. Family is there for the good, but more importantly for the bad, too. Family rarely agrees with you. Family challenges you. Family respects you. Family may not understand you, but hopefully they accept you.

Family...many faces, many lives, mostly love.

A most beautiful Spring Day

(photo courtesy of Dasja Dolan**)


In what can only be described as one of the most perfect weather days I can remember at Golden Gate Park, over 200 friends and family gathered to celebrate Debra in the way she deserved to be honored. Debra had told a few people what she wanted and even left some instructions in her Will. Her dear friend, soul brother and fellow Aquarian Kile Ozier was to "produce" it. With the help of others, Kile gave Debra a send off, replete with all things Debra...including her beloved giftbags. What well planned, San Francisco event would be complete without giftbags? And event it was.

Upon arrival that morning several of us gathered at the Entrance to the National AIDS Memorial Grove
waiting for other friends and family to arrive for the planting of the Japanese Maple. As we were waiting a very large pack of bicyclist rode by, all telling us they were training for the AIDS ride. A wonderful introduction to the day ahead.

After everyone arrived we headed into the Grove. As we rounded the corner and topped the hill we were welcomed by a sea of purple and with all that purple you couldn't help but feel Debra's presence. Filled with blooming Echium as well as purple cloaked tables for the reception, the Meadow seemed to be an open invitation to celebrate Debra's life.

Prior to the actual service many of us gathered to see a Japanese Maple be planted in her memory. Those who were brave and goat-like traversed the hill to place mementos or ashes near the root ball before it was completely covered. Much to many peoples amazement, Debra's nearly 80 year old mother made that trek up the hill. I wasn't surprised since Mimi has been a very self sufficient woman as long as I've known her! After placing some ashes in the root ball Brenda grabbed a handful for us to take somewhere else in the Grove.

As others finished planting the tree Brenda, Sofie and I trekked off to find a place for some of the ashes. Much to our surprise we ended up at the boulder that had been placed in honor of Macy's Passport 25th anniversary(a project Debra worked on for several years.) Brenda and I knew that's where we needed to sprinkle those ashes...so we each sprinkled a bit over and around that boulder then rejoined the tree planting celebration.

With over an hour to go before the memorial started Sofie was already getting restless...and hungry...she demanded bacon! To our rescue was Susan and Jean who graciously offered to drive us over to an area in search of bacon. As we were walking out of the Grove, we ran into Rosie and her mom Nancy heading in. Rosie joined our trip to find food and Nancy joined the others gathering before the celebration.

After a successful breakfast run on Irving(I think), we made our way back to meet and greet for the memorial. Upon our arrival, Nancy made it clear that Rosie was there to be Sofie's person and to watch her so I could mingle and concentrate on chatting with all the folks I needed to connect with. That was probably the best arrangement made and little did I know just how handy Rosalie would be throughout the day. As I was walking in the first person I spotted was Virgo pal whose full name is three streets in San Francisco. It had been so long since I saw him but we gave each other the biggest hug ever. He was chatting with 3 other people who I hugged in rapid succession. It was then I realized I would be a day filled with hugging. It was so nice to see so many familiar faces.

After chatting and making my way towards the circle where the memorial took place, the time had come for the true celebration part of the day. Sofie and I (intentionally) played a very small role in the service. We lit the candle that was sitting next to the beautiful flowers at the "altar" where folks would soon be giving their own impressions of what Debra meant to them. As we lit the candle, many members of the SF Gay Men's Chorus walked in singing a wonderful rendition of "Seasons of Love" from the Broadway Musical Rent. From that point on the service was a blur...a beautiful, funny, tear-filled, belly laughing, heart wrenching blur. About 10 minutes into the service, after a few people told stories about Debra, Sofie declared she had to leave. Bravo to my girl for taking care of her needs! Quietly she, Rosalie and Naomi(another 7 year old attending) fled the scene and went to the coolest.playground. EVER.

Many people who spoke thanked Debra for providing the lovely weather that day. As many of us felt, she certainly had something to do with the beauty of the day!! Most told funny stories that were weaved with tales of admiration, love, respect and most recently loss. The last person to speak left us with a few lines of a Sarah Maclachlan's "I Will Remember You." She sang in a beautiful voice, "I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don't let you life pass you by. Weep not for the memories. Weep not for the memories." I don't know about all of you, but there are definitely days where I still weep.


**Dasja Dolan, someone who had never met Debra, happened to be at Golden Gate park the morning of the memorial. Originally she wanted to take photos of plants in the park, fortunately for us she ended up taking many photos and has now offered to give the sale proceeds to the fund to buy the boulder to be placed in the Grove. What a truly kind and generous offer...and effect Debra had on everyone(even in the afterlife!!)

Bittersweet Mother's Day

Mother's Day came early for me. Sofie couldn't wait until Sunday to give me the gift and card she made in school. First the gift...a lovely bracelet made with colored beads. Before she even told me the significance of the beads I knew...orange for me, purple for Debra and since she couldn't do too many red beads(her favorite color) she chose another color...blue. The beads alternated all the way around until there were 3 red beads in a row. The red beads were to represent the child and the mom and since she is a two mom kid, she got to have an extra red bead...something she was proud to tell me! Then she gave me the card...a card that brought tears to my eyes when I saw the picture she drew on the front. She and I were standing there(me in my orange Crocs and she was in one orange and one red Croc...her signature.) All the animals: Boone, Gracie, Humphrey and the caterpillar that's in her butterfly habitat were surrounding us. Just above our heads were 3 hearts, one red, one purple and one orange. Flying just above those hearts was a beautiful white winged angel Debra. The note inside, "I love you because you are very sweet and nice to. You let have a hamster and trapline to. Love Sofie LLL Kent" She was so proud that she sounded trampoline out and spelled it correctly...although she didn't, but it was close! Ever since Debra died she's taken to writing her name with three L's in the middle. She says she has 5 names now. Sofie Luda Ludmilla Lamkin Kent. She insists that Luda and Ludmilla are different! She's at the very least consistent with her new signature.

Our weekend has been good so far. Mom came up Friday morning and picked Sofie from school and hanging out with her in the afternoon. When I called to let them know I was heading home from work, I asked mom what she was doing. "Coloring." was her answer. Cute, I thought, she and Sofie are coloring...actually that's not true. Sofie was playing downstairs and Mom was coloring!!

After arriving home we dashed out for dinner at Elmo's so Sofie would be energized for her soccer game. We had fun hanging out at the game with other families and watching the girls have fun on the field. After the game several of us headed to Locopops where I experienced my first ever bad Locopop experience! It was my bad...should have gone with my gut and known that the Rosemary in a Rosemary Pear locopop would overwhelm the pear. Bleech. I took one bite and in the trash it went. Well, one time in a multitude of visits is fine with me.

Saturday we did our Biscuitville thing...shocked I'm sure! Then headed to the park in Cary that Sofie loves. After meeting up with a friend and her daughters, she offered to keep and eye out on Sofie while Mom and I ran to Trader Joe's. Mom had never been and has been wanting to go. A quick trip to TJ's and we're back at the park where we stayed for 2 more hours!! The kids had fun, so it was worth it. Exhausted, tired and cranky we headed back home. I made dinner for the three of us and we watched Alvin and the Chipmunks...laughing out loud much of the movie.

Now I'm blogging and Sofie is playing in Webkinz World on her laptop. I'm tired so I'll wrap up this Mother's Day post...sad that Debra's not around but happy that Sofie honored her in my gift and card. A sweet child indeed. I'm a very lucky Mom.

Where to begin?

It's been awhile since I've had the time, interest or wherewithal to blog. I fully intended to write about our experiences in CA before, during and after Debra's memorial. I will someday, just not today.

Life has been full of learning, living and loving among many things. Sofie and I are fairly busy these days. Soccer practice on Wednesday nights with games either Friday night or Saturday morning. Last weekend we had two games...a rain make-up from a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure how Sofie would do with a team sport. Up until now she really hadn't been interested in playing anything. I have to say, she's kind of taken to it like a duck to water! She's playing in the Durham Girls Soccer League which, much to my surprise, is a non-competitive learning environment for girls ages 7-13. She was very fortunate to be assigned(with a little begging) to the team Wales that is full of girls she already knew.

Her team, comprised of 7-8 year old girls, has truly been a joy for both of us. I've met some great parents that I wouldn't otherwise have known and Sofie is learning about cooperation, sportsmanship and fundamentals of soccer. The goal is to have FUN while learning the basics of the sport. I have to admit I've learned too. I knew nothing about the sport before...other than it's called "football" in most other countries and many players would love to bend it like beckham!! Sofie is a joy to watch on the field. From the moments she's hanging on the goal when there's no action at her end while playing goalie to the moments she's hopping around like a frog on the field(during play!). Watching her self confidence grow each time she's on the field. Amazingly she's a great goalie stopping ball after ball when it's her turn to pay attention. After pep talks from Matt, her closest daddy figure, she really understood that it was okay to go for the ball. I'm really enjoying watching her blossom on and off the field. I hope she maintains an interest in the sport as I am loving being a mini-van driving soccer mom!!

Along with soccer, parenting and work I've been overtaken by the responsibilities of making sure Sofie is in the best environment for learning. As we all know, she's a funny, intelligent, loving kid. The days since returning from our trip to CA have been spent pondering, investigating, processing and talking many many hours to friends and professionals about the "right thing to do." When Sofie first started kindergarten, both Debra and I wanted her to be able to start pre-k as a 5 year old. She's on the younger end of students in her grade, she was born prematurely AND lived her first 20 months in a hospital/orphanage, she has a vision issue and we suspected ADHD. The ADHD has been diagnosed and she's doing much better in that realm. However we were unable to start her in pre-K, so there have been struggles...emotionally and academically.

My struggles have finally been resolved after much pondering, soul searching and sheer intuition/gut feelings. Sofie will be moving to another school and repeating 2nd grade next year. In my heart and soul I know it's the best thing for her. 2nd grade was pretty much a wash this year with Debra's illness and death. Sofie is just now back to the light, fun loving child she was before all the illness. The grieving she has done continues but in a much more subtle way. There are still repercussions of having lost a mother but all in all, she's doing great. She's even on board with switching schools. We've told her about doing 2nd grade again but haven't really harped on that too much. I'll have all summer to let that sink in. First I have to make a decision about which school I'm sending her to!

So as you can see, life is going on. We both miss Debra but we both honor her every day in some small way. We know she's present in our daily lives making sure that we tow the line, love each other and miss her less and less each day.

Playing catch-up...again

Well I thought it would be a good time to post a bit of what's going on in our lives as I currently wait for Sofie to get through a couple hours of testing this morning.

Life continues to be a growth experience for both of us. We're getting used to our "new normal" and continuing to remember Debra in our thoughts and prayers. I've been channeling the creative part of Debra in some funny ways. Recently it was Book Character Day at Sofie's school. Since she has an obsession with animals, hamsters in particular this year, I set out to make her a hamster costume so she could be the main character from The World According to Humphrey, a charming book that her teacher read to the class earlier this school year. And when I say obsessed, I'm not far off the mark!! Ever since reading that first book(of the series of four) she's wanted a hamster. Life kept getting in the way though. Debra didn't want one while she was sick, then I didn't want one while we were making that transition and moving things in and out of the house. I promised Sofie that when life settled down, we'd get a hamster. She kept saying that won't be until summer!! Boy, she had no idea! Even though things aren't fully in there places, I decided to surprise her on Valentine's day and get her very own Humphrey. She was very clear that she wanted a girl hamster but wanted to name it Humphrey...the guy at the pet store got a kick out of that! So we're now the proud owners of the world's cutest hamster. I'll post pictures(of the hamster costume and the real thing) once I download them from my camera.

Other news in our life...Sofie is starting her first attempt at team sports this week. After watching a friend who plays every team sport at one of her basketball games this winter, I asked Sofie if there was any sport she'd like to try. She thought for a moment then replied, "Well soccer seems pretty easy. There's only two things you have to do...keep the ball from the other team and score." Well, there you have it, soccer in a nutshell! So we've signed up for Durham Girls Soccer League and start practice tonight...fingers crossed it doesn't rain. Most of the girls were on the team in the Fall, but I'm sure she'll catch up quickly. She knows a few of the team members from school, so she's not going into a totally unknown situation. I'm looking forward to being a soccer mom...and yes, I bought a minivan. Both mine and Debra's cars were getting high in miles, so I wanted a more reliable, comfortable car. I bought a Honda Odyssey which is both...I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm driving around in my living room! With all the kids in the neighborhood that we hang out with, it's come in handy to be able to schlep more than two kids around. We both love the car and I'm sure Debra is looking down on us and having a laugh about the minivan mom!

End of next week we head to San Francisco for Spring Break and to attend Debra's memorial service out there. I'll give a full report, if I'm able, for those of you unable to attend.

I'm certain there's been more that's happened in our lives but I can't think of it at this time. I'll try to periodically check in, but just know there will be no more daily postings for awhile!

Debra's San Francisco Memorial Information

Dear Friends,

Please gather with us to celebrate the incredible Debra Kent (and please feel free to forward this information with others):

Sunday, March 30th
The Meadow
National AIDS Memorial Grove (“the Grove”)
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, CA
Contemplation and Meditation from 10:00 am
Program promptly at 11:00 am

Reception in the Grove to follow



HOW YOU CAN HELP:

The inimitable Kile Ozier is responsible for the format of this event and has asked that if any of you might be able to help with the following resources and talented individuals he seeks for this special moment at the Grove, please let him know directly at kile@kileozier.com:

(a) donated/discounted florist/flower source

(b) pro bono musicians: strings, winds, percussion and soloists, duos, trios

(c) donated/discounted rentals such as chairs, tables, linens, a tent


A LASTING MEMORIAL FOR DEBRA:

The National AIDS Memorial Grove was close to Debra’s heart; it’s a beautiful space for solace and remembrance of many friends and family who we’ve lost over the years. Debra specifically requested that her memorial be held here, if possible. Many thanks to all the people who are helping to make it possible!

In honor of the many contributions made by Debra in her short life time, we are working with the Grove to install/inscribe something meaningful and lovely for all of us – and especially for her daughter Sofie - to visit and remember her for years to come. We are still working out the details with our friends at the Grove as to what exactly this will look like, but, in the meantime, we ask you to join us in contributing towards this installation/inscription with a donation to the National AIDS Memorial Grove in memory of Debra. We hope to announce more details about this at the celebration on March 30th.

Donations can be made payable to the National AIDS Memorial Grove and sent directly to them at:

P.O. Box 2270

San Francisco, CA 94126-2270

PLEASE include a note with your donation that your gift is in memory of Debra Kent, so it gets credited to this campaign.

If you prefer to make a gift online, please go to www.aidsmemorial.org and click on the “DONATE NOW” button on the right hand side of your screen. You’ll be taken to a secure donation portal via groundspring.org, and there is a space to note that your gift is in memory of Debra.

DIRECTIONS AND PARKING INFO:

PLEASE NOTE: JFK Drive in Golden Gate Park is closed to automobile traffic on Sundays. However, there are several other ways to get to the Grove; please visit their website here http://www.aidsmemorial.org/getting.html for more information (click on the “Getting to the Grove” option on the left for more info depending on your mode of transportation). There’s a pretty good map of Golden Gate Park here: http://www.sfgate.com/traveler/acrobat/maps/1999/ggparkmap.pdf - the AIDS Memorial Grove is #27 on this map, and the street names where the Grove intersects are Bowling Green and Middle Drive East (right across from the tennis courts).

There is free street parking in Golden Gate Park ; however, with JFK Drive closed, these spots may fill up early. Another suggestion is the parking lot at the M.H. de Young Memorial Museum, which is open to the public and not too far away from the Grove – please see #21 on the Golden Gate Park map referred to above. Here’s more details on that lot (from the de Young’s website):

Concourse Parking Facility: Parking for cars and bicycles is available in the Concourse parking facility. Access to the north entrance is from Fulton Street at 10th Avenue . Access to the south entrance is at Concourse Drive and Martin Luther King Drive inside the park. The Concourse parking facility is open seven days a week year-round and parking in the garage is encouraged.

Hours and rates: Weekends 7:30 a.m.–10 p.m. ($3.00/hour)

For more info please visit: http://www.famsf.org/deyoung/visiting/subpage.asp?subpagekey=575


Thanks to everyone for your caring and support of Debra over these heartbreaking few years. We hope to see many of you in person on March 30th.

Brenda (and Kile and Kerry E.)

Taking a break

To all my faithful readers, a note to say I haven't had the time nor energy to post lately. I've returned to work and need to focus on getting in the groove of full time parenting and working. Just know this break is temporary and I'll post soon.

A birthday celebration

Yesterday would have been Debra's birthday. Sofie decided we'd do all the things Debra liked with purple being a theme! Sofie got dressed in the morning wearing her purple Camp Kesem t-shirt, I wore my Malaprop's t-shirt that had purple in it. We had a cuddly, low key morning with the emphasis on cuddles(something Mama Debra and Sofie loved to do!)

After lunch our friends from school and church, Mom Kimberly and son Avery, arrived after dropping sister Olivia at an all afternoon birthday party. It was such a beautiful Spring-like February day that Kimberly and I sat out at the table and chairs in the front yard while Avery and Sofie jumped and jumped and jumped on the trampoline. At some point the kids went in a played with Sofie's zoo while Kimberly and I continued to chat and bask in the warm sun. She kept admiring the neighbors’ backyard...they have a preschool, so it's an awesome backyard! Kimberly used to run a daycare in California, so their backyard had all that fun stuff, too. She's wanting to convert their backyard into a nice play area for the kids. So we walked over and she checked out all the things they'd created for their school. (Donna, I hope you don't mind!!) They had also created this wonderful play area around the now dried up creek bed...normally there's some water. I'm sure the kids love that area.

After perusing the school play area, we went back over and suggested it was time to go to Locopops...another thing Debra enjoyed. We piled into Kimberly's van and headed to Locopops. Sofie got coffee flavored, Avery cookies and cream, Kimberly got something with Raspberry and Rosemary and I got Raspberry Mojito...all were delicious!! After enjoying the pops outside in the warmth we piled back into the van and headed back home. The kids jumped and jumped again and Kimberly and I sat in the living room and chatted about all kinds of things. At some point the kids wanted to play the Wii, so I sat that up for them and they played until they got to a level that was too hard...then they jumped some more!!

They left around 6p and Sofie and I headed to the grocery store to pick up cupcakes and stuff for the feast we had planned in honor of Debra. While at the store, Betty and Delma called. They wanted to know what we were doing for dinner, so I invited them over for the birthday celebration and feast! I added a few desserts to the cart, picked up a few groceries and headed back home to cook a feast. Since I'd only thawed enough chicken for Sofie and I, they picked up a box of Churches fried chicken...yummy. As we were setting out snacks to feed on before dinner, Sofie said Debra would have liked this...she liked parties! So Betty entertained Sofie...or was it the other way around...while I cooked and chatted with Delma. The feast was prepared and we all gathered around the table. Sofie asked us to hold hands and she said her version of a prayer. I was a beautiful sentiment and tribute to Debra...this kid amazes me sometimes! We all feasted and chatted and had a merry time.

After dinner, Betty and Delma were entertained by Sofie as she "showed" them her movies she'd made...not quite sure what that meant but they were in her room for quite some time!! I printed out a few pictures that Betty and Delma requested and cleaned the kitchen while they were having fun. I brewed a pot of decaf, got the random desserts out and sat down and actually rested for a few moments! After making coffee for everyone, we sat down and sang Happy Birthday then gorged on desserts. We did a few other things in honor of Debra then the girls headed home and Sofie and cuddled in bed. It was a wonderful day and we know Debra was right there with us, enjoying every moment.

Today Sofie is going to a "remembering service" that Duke Bereavement center had planned for today. It's only for children. She's taking a picture of Debra and will join 10 or so other kids who've lost significant people in their lives for a celebration. Parents or the other adults will meet and chat about grieving and helping the kids through it. If it's 1/2 as good as it sounds, I'll be quite pleased!

rock -->ME<-- hard place

That's exactly where I feel I am, between a rock and a hard place. Let me just say I do not like having to medicate my kid to get her to sleep. It goes against many things I believe. With that said, I also don't like a kid who is so fragile she can't get to sleep or make it through one day at school.

Friday, she met with the Dr. who prescribes her ADHD medicine. He's a wonderful doctor with years of experience and a kindness you might not expect from a psychiatrist. He spent time asking Sofie about school, her sadness, her sleeping. He had her read to him, he showed her a painting he did...it was a great appointment. I knew he's prescribe something different to help her sleep and I was convinced he'd also prescribe her something for anxiety. I was glad to see that he didn't change her ADHD meds and he prescribed only something to help her sleep. Of course as many doctors do, it was a drug intended for something else, but the side effect as a low dose was sleepiness. This a very short term solution to help her get adequate sleep while she grieves. I gave her the medicine that night and then I slept very little worried that this stronger drug might do something to her little body! Oy!! She did sleep well that night and I'm happy to say we had a great day...Debra's birthday. (I'll write a separate posting on that day.)

Back to the rock and hard place spot I'm in...Sofie is grieving very appropriately. Unfortunately it's interfering with her daily life at school. Do I keep her home? Do I send her and let her sort out her emotions? Right now, I'm sending her but picking her up right as school lets out and this week I kept her out on Friday. I'm going to try that again this coming week, but if she's still upset at school I'll keep her home more. Unfortunately, I only have 2 more weeks on my leave and don't want to go back...but I have to. I want to stay and make sure she's okay and certainly do not want to be 30 miles away at work! Creative thinking has been what I'm all about these days, coming up with alternate plans for re-entry. I'll have to contact HR to see if any of these options are viable.

This will all work out in the end...it's just a long road getting there.

A version of hell this long night

There aren't enough words to impress upon you just how difficult tonight has been. Show of hands...how many of you have had a colonoscopy? For those who have, you know what hell the night before can be. So, for those who have suffered that version of hell, just how many of you have had a child upstairs sobbing for over 2 hours...nonstop? I'm guessing that just cut the numbers down considerably and maybe I'm the only one who falls into that category.

My daughter has become a bundle of anxiety-ridden nerves. She cries all day at school, she takes forever to go to sleep at night (and that's WITH pharmaceutical assistance!!), she, according to her own words, "thinks about Debra every hour of every day." Wow, that's a lot for a little kid to think about.

Tonight was her session with her psychotherapist. The session started off with a bang as Sofie accused me of lying to her. I won't bore you with the details, but let’s just say, it was determined by the therapist and Sofie in her session that I did NOT lie to her. At some point during her session she came out and gave me a hug and said she was wiggly so she had to come out to the waiting room for a bit. Her therapist took that opportunity to give her opinion that Sofie's not dealing with depression; she's dealing with an extreme level of anxiety...that's all being compounded by little sleep. So that made me feel better and gave me something to tell her psychiatrist on Friday...he prescribes her ADHD medicine so he's being brought in the loop regarding all the other things going on with her. Hopefully something will work and next week will be a better week.

Tonight has been hell. I took all 20 horse-sized pills within the allotted hours time along with 8oz of liquid per 15 minutes. Here it is 11p and it's only produced a slight result. Thank goodness I had the wherewithal to have my mom come up the night BEFORE the day of the procedure. She did her best to console Sofie. I sent her to bed a half hour ago and luckily the meds held out and I was able to get Sofie to sleep. I hope she stays in her bed for awhile because I have a feeling it's going to be a long night!!

Playing catch-up

Okay, I admit it...I've been quite remiss in posting to the blog. I'm constantly amazed at just how many people actually read this thing! Little did I know that going over a week without posting would elicit concern from my faithful readers. On some levels, there's not much new to report but on others life is changing right before our eyes.

Sofie continues to grieve on such a profound level. Her days are filled with tears and her nights are filled with sobbing. It's heart-wrenching to hear the sobs pour out of her. Her world has been turned upside down. Not only did she lose a mother, she also lost the version of me she was most comfortable with. No longer the "fun mom" due to all the responsibilities of being solo mom, Sofie is painfully aware of the changes in roles. Boundaries are being set and in response being tested, behaviors are being challenged and encouraged to change. Life is changing and we're both trying to adjust.

Last night while I was cooking dinner, Sofie was running around hyped up on life and having a great time helping me in the kitchen. As I was preparing the plates, she headed in the living area. Next thing I heard was a loud thud, then an outburst of tears. A caveat about the type of mom I am...I'm very caring, sensitive and loving but I'm not the type of mom that gets stressed out when a kid hurts themselves. My M.O. is typically level headed and just trying to get the child out of a place of distress. Last night I felt like evil insensitive mom, ten fold!! I did the appropriate amount of cuddling and telling her it was going to be okay. We placed ice on the large bump on her forearm and I cuddled for awhile. The sobs continued. I was losing patience. After dealing with sobbing for weeks in relation to Debra's death, I found it quite difficult to be empathetic to her physical pain. Finally she agreed to sit down and eat dinner. That was challenging but we made it through. Then we cuddled and iced her elbow.

After finishing a movie, we went downstairs to play with our new Wii. I won't even go into the lack of patience I had with that experience! Just know I'm aware of emotions running amok in our house. Trying to deal with my own feelings and be supportive of Sofie's has been somewhat challenging these past few weeks. I'm worried this will go on longer than I expect or longer than I can process. Patience is what I'm practicing and love is what I'm giving.

Sofie is an awesome, loving kid. She's wide open when it comes to love. I hope losing a mother doesn't change that compassion and openness. We have lots of special moments and no where near all of them are surrounded by tears. Just the other day she told me, after being asked what one thing she'd take to a deserted island, that the one thing she'd take would be ME!! Awwwww.

A heartfelt thanks to everyone that's emailed and called. Please don't be offended if I don't respond. Life is a bit crazy and requiring much of my energy, so emails and phone calls are on the bottom of the To Do list. Thanks for understanding.

Profound sadness

I've been feeling a bit blue ever since Barbara and Jacque hauled the last box of Debra's things out the door and off to Goodwill. Her stuff, or lack of it, seemed to trigger a profound sadness in both me and Sofie.

Tonight was one of those nights that even before it got started I sensed things would digress quickly. Things started out simply enough. Upon arriving home, Sofie went to play in her room while I started a load of laundry and did a quick check of email. This was a bath night for Sofie, so that meant either speeding up all activities or just facing the fact that the night will end a little later than expected. After getting the laundry started, Sofie informed me she needed to cuddle...this is happening so much more these days. I certainly don't mind...she's a great cuddler! We assumed our positions in the cuddling chair upstairs and just chilled out for a little while. After a bit of time, we popped up and quickly put dinner on the table. Sushi and edamame for Sofie, a burrito from Whole Foods for me.

While Sofie polished off her sushi, I started her bath. By this time it was still early enough to have a fairly regular bedtime. This is where it all started falling apart. Sofie is a kid who loves creative play. She works out a lot of "stuff" via play. Until tonight, she hadn't wanted to wash off the cathartic art she created in the tub the night I told her Debra was going to die soon. It's been there for all the visitors to see for over a month. Tonight she was adamant about having it removed. She wanted me to help her, but when I started to help she really wanted to wipe it off on her own. I asked why now...it's making me sad was her simple answer.

After cleaning off the walls of the shower, I gave her the 5 minute play warning...meaning she had five more minutes to play before she had to stop, wash her hair and body and get out of the tub. While emptying the dishwasher I gave her the 3 minute, then 1 minute warnings. At the 5 minutes, I asked that she stop playing and start washing. When I checked in 5 minutes later, she was washing, but in between playing. I turned into nagging mom, who escalated into yelling mom the more I had to ask her to finish what I asked her to do. Finally, 15 minutes later I told her to drain the tub, get out, dry off and get in her PJs. She was shivering(since she has 0% body fat!) so I went in to help speed things up. Pokey is a great middle name for her. I left her to dress and went back into the living room.

A few minutes later out she walks...crying. "Mommy, two things made me sad. One is that I miss Mama Debra SO much. The other is that you yelled at me!" Oy. I decided to address the yelling first. We've had this discussion a few times before and I'm hoping that one day it sticks. My yelling isn't an immediate reaction...it builds up after having to ask/demand that she complete a task. I told her we need to communicate better, she needs to listen and I need to try to refrain from yelling...viscous cycle that it is. After this discussion, we went on to the much harder discussion.

It's really apparent that all of this getting rid of Debra's things are affecting her more than anyone probably anticipated. I told her that we have saved some things for her and they're in a special place. That discussion digressed into remembering the last few weeks of Debra's life. "I never got to have one last cuddle or say goodbye to Mommy Debra." My heart ripped a little. As much as we laid the groundwork for Debra's death, nothing would really help her with these type wounds. Interestingly, she was parroting back some of the things that other adults have said in her presence...such as "Mama Debra saved me. She adopted me and gave me a home."

We talked about the day Debra died. Sofie remembered incorrectly that she was asleep when she died. I reminded her of the events of the day. She got angry at the Cancer and said, "I wish no one died...ever. People wouldn't be sad if that happened." Magical thinking.

She wanted to see pictures of Debra, so we took a bit of time and perused the pictures on the computer. That seemed to appease her. It was late, so I suggested snuggling in bed and starting the second Humphrey the hamster book that we've been waiting a few weeks to read. After bedtime rituals, we snuggled in her bed and before I finished the last chapter, she was fast asleep. I'm sure I'll get a early morning visit with a quick sneak into my bed that will include a big snuggle up to me on my side of the bed. The nights will continue to be restless and hard for awhile, but I know that we'll both eventually feel less grief and more happiness. Not before she tells me a few more times that this is the worst life ever...even though she feels safe and loved with me, this is a bad/sad life right now!

Durham memorial followed by sadness

Posting to the blog has been hard for me lately and it doesn't have anything to do with time. I can usually find time to write if I'm in the mindset. The anticipation of Debra's memorial was weighing on my mind more than I even realized. Planning a memorial is something I never expected I'd have to do, especially for Debra. She was the event planner, not me. So I became a little paralyzed by the idea of pulling off the memorial. All in all, I think it went over pretty well.

We held the local memorial for Debra yesterday amidst the biting cold weather which wasn't accompanied by enough snow. All day I kept saying I just want the day to be over with. From my perspective, the celebration was beautiful. The service was scheduled for 4p on Sunday at our church, ERUUF. All things considered, the service was well attended. Many people from the UNC Health Science's Library where Debra was employeed attended the service, as well as a good representation from our friends, Sofie's preschool and elementary school population, my family and even a few co-workers of mine! I was especially pleased to see several counselors from our beloved Camp Kesem! We were worried the bitter cold and holiday weekend would keep people away, fortunately that wasn't the case at all.

The service began with a welcome from our minister and followed by Sofie lighting the chalice. A wonderful eulogy that was a tribute to the Debra that many people in NC didn't know that well. I was pleased he focused on her parenting and love of Sofie. After the eulogy there was silent meditation followed by Barbara reading a May Sarton poem. The Comman Woman chorus did a nice rendition of "Season's of Love" which was followed by an open sharing. Alan shared a heartfelt Thank You from all the folks back in the Bay area,a childhood friend of Debra's talked about a younger Debra that none of us knew, Debra's boss Carol spoke about the impact Debra had in her short time at UNC and Sofie ended the sharing with a story about how Debra told her donuts were called bagels. The chorus then ended the service with the beautiful song, "Everything's Possible" which is one of my favorite lullabyes. The amount of love in the sanctuary was overwhelming at times. So many people just wanted to support me and Sofie and our loss...and that support was felt ten-fold.

Following the service I shook many hands, met many people associated with Debra's work at UNC, chatted and reconnected with people I hadn't seen in awhile and whirled about the Fellowship Hall making sure I thanked everyone for attending. I'm sure I missed many people, but I hope they know how much it meant to me and Sofie for them to be there. For the rest of the evening I was in a haze, exhausted from all the activities. I want to thank everyone who pitched in and helped with the festivities. You gave unconditionally and I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

Today I've been under a cloud of sadness. We're nearing the end of getting Debra's things out of the house and that makes me sad...she really is gone. Often, as I read an email or hear a story on NPR or somewhere else I think to myself, "I need to tell Debra that" quickly realizing I can't tell her. It'll take time for me to stop saying "we" and not wanting to tell her the latest gossip or news. The sadness will fade and life will go on. Sofie and I continue to grieve and though it seems like we're fine, there are days we're both sad and weepy. It'll get better over time...this I know.

Crazy busy times

The past few days have been somewhat of a whirlwind. Sofie's godmother and Debra's best friend Barbara came into town to start taking care of the business of being executrix of Debra's will...a job I would not wish on anyone! She's such a trooper though. Where I would have run screaming from the house, she patiently purged and organized so many things! I was so glad she was here. It gets kind of lonely, even for an introvert like me! I can't begin to say enough "Thank You's" to her, so I'll just leave it at that...she's making/made my life as easy as it's going to be for the next many years.

Much purging, donating, selling and giving away has happened. A few shout outs to some of my peeps for the help this weekend. In no particular order, to Betty for taking a station wagon FULL of things to PTA Thrift shop; to Wendy and strong-bodied teenage son Matt for hauling heavy boxes of books upstairs and taking them to the library for donations; to Rebecca and Mary for helping my dad haul my bed and some boxes from the condo over to the house, then loading a couch to take to Betty and Delma's; to Daddy for his undying support and love and doing all he can to help out(even turning around a coming back to the house when I called him to tell him my hot water heater was completely out!); to Tracey for helping get rid of stuff on Craigslist; to Janet for helping with hauling and being flexible to my comings and going from the condo; to Hannah and family for taking Sofie for a big chunk of time on Saturday to allow for much purging to happen; to Louise(Gemma's mom) for taking Sofie for a couple hours; and to anyone else that's done anything for me over the past few days that I've forgotten somehow!! Much love and many thanks to you all!!

Speaking of water heaters...the heating element needs to be replaced and a regular handy person can't do it because the element is rated too high for anybody other than a plumber to order it so a plumber has to do the work...oh, joy!! Another shout out to Wendy for making things happen.

I'm so overjoyed that my bed is here! It was so nice sleeping upstairs last night...but I have to say, the air coming in that bedroom window was frigid!! No wonder Debra was always complaining about being cold. I also have more clothes here, which is nice...I got really tired of wearing the same thing over and over again.

So that's my past few days in a nutshell. Things are moving along at a manageable pace, so I haven't gone crazy...yet.

Cancerblog article

Several months ago, Debra was contacted via her blog by a writer at CR Magazine, which is published by the American Association for Cancer Research (AACR). The author writes a column in the journal entitled Cancerblogs and she wanted to do an article on Debra. Debra, being the networker that she was, suggested that there was a much bigger story here and that she should check out my blog, too. So, she did. Alanna, the author, interviewed both of us and pulled together a sweet article about how we were dealing with and teaching Sofie about death. That was a great angle to go from our blogs and really relevant based on our more recent experiences. You can view the article in it's entirety here. I'm just sorry Debra didn't get to see the finished product. I showed Sofie the article and the picture that's on the home page of the journal. Her response, "I'm in a MAGAZINE?!?! Wow!!"

Hard Days Night

Yesterday when I picked up Sofie from school, she was her typical charming, loving self. The evening started off with what was going to be a quick trip to Whole Foods for a few things...it ended up being dinner for us. This kid is going to break my bank with the sushi she can put away!! After eating, we meandered through the store picking up a few necessities, such as Ben&Jerry's for Sofie and fruit cobbler for me.

Upon arriving home, I ran a shallow bath...a technique Delma suggested to wash her hair while her big bump on her head is healing. After washing her hair, we added water and she played a bit in the tub. This kid has got some kind of imagination! I love listening to her chatter to the the animals she's playing with and the hearing the creative play she comes up with. After bath was dessert, then reading and snuggling. This is when the night turned on me without nary a warning!!

After finishing our reading, lights went out. Sofie was pretty fidgety, so I tried to relax her by rubbing her back, head and legs. Then it happened...she burst into to tears and said she couldn't sleep because she missed Mommy Debra. I consoled her and validated her feelings. We talked about how much better Debra was now that she was out of pain. Intellectually, she got that...emotionally she was still a wreck. She just couldn't stop thinking about Debra and this was keeping her awake. This went on for nearly 3 hours! At some point I got up and told her to just play in her room and try to get her mind off Debra. I went into the other room and waited. About 10 minutes later, she walked in and said, "Mommy, I love you" and gave me the biggest hug. We sat and talked a bit more. She said, "Mommy, people are being so nice." Indeed they are. I'm glad she's getting a good sense that the world is full of good people. That will serve her well as she's older and more jaded!

Life going on

It's been a fairly busy few days here in Durham. I'm in that awkward place of getting rid of Debra's personal belongings, rearranging things in the house and bringing my personal belongings in to integrate into our home. I've been keeping a close eye on Sofie to see if this purging/rearranging/adding is affecting her in any way. I talk about how hard this must be giving away Mama Debra's things, but I always add the caveat that this was what Debra wanted and that it's making her happy seeing friends, family and charities benefitting from her stuff. She seems to understand but I do sense a bit of sadness around it.

The clearing began on Thursday morning. Other Jamie(Emma and Jacob's mommy) came over to "shop" in Debra's closet. Thanks to the earlier organization by Nancy(Debra's sister) and Laurie(a friend from California pictured below with the finished organizational project) the clothes closet was miraculously organized! Jamie was thrilled to see that she and Debra had many similar tastes in clothing and that, according to Jamie, Debra was as big a shopaholic as she was!! A caveat here, Debra did love to shop, the unfortunate thing was she never purged her closet so there were years worth of clothing. Jamie left with bags of clothing and that still left a pretty sizable collection for others to peruse. Later that evening, a coworker of Debra's came over to shop, too. She had been over earlier while Debra was still alive, but Debra insisted that she come over again. I know she's thrilled that her clothing is making an impact in other's lives.

Thursday and Friday were emotional days for me on many levels. The loss and aloneness hit hard. Even though Debra and I hadn't been partners for nearly three years, we were still significant to one another and our own created family. So not having her around is affecting me more than I realized it might. I did a lot of introspection during this time. Unfortunately that caused sleepless nights. I did make good use of the sleeplessness by running ideas of rearranging certain areas/rooms in my mind. It's helping plot out where furniture and stuff of mine will be living.

Thursday afternoon, I picked Sofie up from school, but not after having a chat with her teachers. They informed me that she did really well and was her happy go lucky self all day. She did, however, try to pull the sad card before school that day. I quickly recognized she was trying to get out of going to school! I agreed with her that we were both very sad, but we also needed to continue on with life by going to school, work and other activities. I assured her we'd have good moments and sad moments, but we had each other now and that was what mattered most.

Friday I had therapy and ran a few errands. I was mostly quiet and remained introspective. I felt myself getting into a funk later in the afternoon so I did a preemptive strike on that and call Kimberly(Olivia and Avery's mom) to see if they were going out for pizza. (They have a Friday night family dinner tradition.) She said they were making either pizza or nachos and that Sofie and I were welcome to come over. I decided that would be fun because we always laugh a lot at their house. So I picked up Sofie from school and we headed down the block to have Family Dinner with a whole slew of people...ten in all(five adults, five kids)...Sofie and I were the only solo's, but that seems to be the way we live our lives. We had a blast and stayed a little too late, but we laughed, talked politics and the kids had fun. (This was after Sofie had a pretty bad accident at afterschool. Apparently she was crawling around on the gym floor, playing with her animals when WHAM!! she smacked head first into the concrete wall!! They cleaned her up, bandaged it and gave me a courtesy call. She's currently sporting a nice purple Scooby Band-Aid on her forehead!!)

After getting home, I was feeling super cuddly with her, so we snuggled in the bed that was in the family room downstairs, put Ratatouille in the DVD player, snuggled and fell asleep. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep well. Mostly related to monkey mind, but also Sofie's tossing/turning/kicking/poking/grunting kept waking me up. I finally fell asleep about the time my alarm went off. Betty and Delma were coming over that morning to hang with Ms. Sofie while I had an appointment. Sofie was in protest mode about taking a bath because it would hurt her cut on her forehead, so I suggested that Delma(the nurse) wash her hair because she'd know how to avoid hurting her. That was a huge success AND Delma gave her a pedicure so she wouldn't have pokey toenails! While Delma was playing with Sofie during her bathtime, Betty was "shopping" in Debra's boutique. She agreed to take what she wanted and then take the rest to donate to charity. So, as of now, the only clothing of Debra's remaining are, oh, about 40 pairs of shoes!!

After returning from my appointment we all headed to....drum roll, please...you got it, Biscuitville!! It was more brunch than breakfast, but we enjoyed it nonetheless. Betty and Delma are officially godesses in my book. They stayed with us until nearly 9p last night. (There was rest and dinner involved, but much help was provided, too.) We rearranged the kitchen to suit me...with the advice of Delma. We boxed up extra food for the homeless shelter, party food for the memorial, extra food for Betty and Delma's son and his wife and daughter, extra utensils and such that I didn't need, the millions of storage containers Debra required to live with and last but not least, the liquor cabinet. I don't drink and rarely entertain, so by unanimous vote Betty, Delma and I decided that Tracey and Sharon would get the contents of the liqour cabinet since they entertain more than the rest of us. They came over later in the day and procurred their cache. (They joined us for dinner, too.)

During the time Delma and I were working in the kitchen, Sofie kept coming in wanting to help. We'd give her odd, random jobs but mostly she played in her room until some point she walked in and said, "Mommy, I need to cuddle." So I sat in the cuddling chair with her, talked to her and asked if what we were doing was upsetting her. She said no, but I think it may have on some level because she went in to Debra's old room, laid on the bedding I created for her to watch Scooby-Doo and she promptly fell asleep. I'm guessing something was going on for her that she didn't quite know how to articulate.

Last night was another late night, but Sofie and I got plenty of cuddling time. We kept reading The World According to Humphrey for the FIFTH time!!! She loves that book, and of course it's the inspiration for her getting a hamster. After she fell asleep, I came downstairs hoping to do the same. No such luck. I got in bed but promptly got out when it became apparent I wasn't going to sleep. I came in and found an email from a friend who sent a website where I can turn a blog into a book!!! So, I'm in the process of turning Debra's blog into a hardbound book for Sofie. It's fun, but it'll take a lot of time as the program is in Beta and still has a few kinks and some missing features. I don't mind, it's nice to be able to do that for Sofie.

This morning, Sofie slept in while I started to write this entry. Of course she woke up before I finished. So we made pancakes for her breakfast, I scrambled eggs for me. We ate breakfast and had a conversation about yelling. (To her, yelling is any raising of volume or attitude in the voice.) I explained why my voice changed and used the example that was happening just then. I literally had to ask her to finish her pancakes, bacon and milk a million times. (Okay, not literally, but you get the picture.) The more I asked, the louder I got. I used it as a teaching moment. She seemed to listen to the rationale...we'll see if it works. I just finished sewing my first hole in yang-yang(Sofie's blankie) and I have to say, I did quite well. I often feel myself channeling my Dad who was the "jim of all trades" when I was growing up. He could do anything...and if he didn't know how, he'd try until he figured it out! I have bit of daddy in me, so I just felt I was doing that when I sewed my first hole today.

Later, Sofie goes for a play date with Lucie and I head out to a meeting about a newly forming co-housing community. Then it's life as usual. Dinner, bath, reading and bedtime...and LOTS of cuddling!

Durham Memorial and Celebration Information

I had a wonderful meeting with our minister, Don, today. We've scheduled Debra's Celebration of Life for Sunday, January 20th and 4p at ERUUF the Unitarian congregation we've been attending for a few years. Their website has great directions and a map at the bottom of this page. After the service, we'll have food and beverages in the Fellowship Hall.

It's 9:15p and all is quiet!!

It's 915p and all is well in the world. A certain little girl who has been struggling for weeks to get to sleep before even 10p(more recently closer to 11p or even midnight on occasion) drifted to sleep with ease and no complications. I'm so thankful that she had an easy transition to sleep tonight as it will make waking her up much more pleasant tomorrow morning for her first day back to school post holidays.

She had a fun play filled afternoon with many of the Mastens. Eating out, bowling and creative play were involved. Everyone commented on Sofie's technique for bowling. If you haven't witnessed it, please refer back to this blog entry for a full demonstration!! They even stopped by school to pick up one of the Masten kids. Luckily for Sofie, her teachers came out to the van to give her a big hug and tell her they can't wait to see her tomorrow.

I brought some food items over from the condo and now I've decided I need to rearrange the kitchen! Oh joy. I'll tackle that project tomorrow. I meet with Don, our minister, to discuss memorial options for Debra in Durham. Egads, I've never done anything like this before, so I'll be needing serious guidance!! Wish me luck.

What the New Year brings

My New Year's posting is a day or two late...such is life!

Sofie and I rang in the New Year, actually banged in(with pots) the New Year with our friends Susan, Joy, Emma and Kate. Earlier in the evening we'd shared a lovely meal with them along with Matt,Olivia,Avery and James...Kimberly was home recouperating from a long days work. The kids had no problem staying awake but the three adults were struggling! After an entry into 2008, Sofie and I hopped into the car and headed back home. It was there that Sofie had a bout of missing Mama Debra...something that has become common place at bedtime the past several days. We cried, looked at pictures, talked about fun Mama Debra memories, laughed and cried some more. She keeps asking me if I miss Mama Debra, too. Not sure if it's for reassurance or just to make sure it's okay to miss her.

Yesterday Sofie became quickly bored with me. Heck, I was bored with me, too!! So after a lazy day at home we headed over to Jamie and Julia's for a playdate with Emma and Jacob. When we arrived there were a few other friends there,too. It was fun. Jamie did tarot readings for all the adults, while the kids played happily...and loudly! My reading was so right on target! It really feeds into how things can/will play out this year. Lessons I've learned, need to let go of and actions to achieve. Of course I'm very task oriented right now...moving from one house to another, creating a stable environment for Sofie. The key for me is to ask for the help I need. There are many people that are waiting to help out, I just need to put out the word of what needs to happen! So lesson number one...ask the people you know, trust and love for the help I'll desperately need this year!

Today, Sofie is having a playdate with a classmate which gives me time to grab some things from the condo and do grocery shopping! Tomorrow she goes back to school, and I start plodding through Debra's things to make a niche for my stuff. Fortunately, I've already had a volunteer to help with some of this tomorrow! The New Year is off to a banging success.

Traveling, grief and yelling

Life continues to be full of ups and downs...for both of us. We have mostly ups, but the downs can be really down. One thing I've noticed with Sofie is that anytime she gets her feelings hurt by anyone or anything it escalates and becomes more about Debra's death. My guess is this will happen for awhile. The other thing that's becoming harder to manage with her is the fact that she can't get to sleep at night. School starts in a few days so that's going to be fun!

My fuse is shorter than normal. Late last night after driving in the rain all day and still dealing with this cold, I yelled at Sofie. And of course she yelled back, "Stop yelling at me!!!!!" The situation was stressful...I was trying to get her into bed, she kept saying there was a smell in her room...of course I couldn't smell anything because of the cold. I told her I didn't smell it...then when I was fixing her comforter on her bed, there it was...a pile of cat poop! Well, that was the last straw. I asked Sofie to run and get some toilet paper...instead she kept saying, "See, I told you there was a smell" over and over again. I kept asking for toilet paper, each time my voice volume was escalating until I yelled, "GO GET ME TOILET PAPER NOW!!!" Finally, she brought the TP and I cleaned it off, got the comforter off the bed and got the extra comforter for her bed. She was mad because I was yelling, I was mad because I was yelling...and one of the cats pooped on her bed! Oy!

After running downstairs to put the comforter into the washing machine, I calmed down, went upstairs and snuggled into bed to read. She was over it by then but as you can tell, the guilt is still with me. I don't want to be that mom that yells. In fact, I've been working with her to not yell so much. That was her dynamic with Debra...I don't yell that much(unless stressed!) My normal chatting volume is low. I've explained yelling isn't appropriate. I want her tone to settle a bit. I read, she fell asleep, then I went downstairs to try to go to bed...but alas, I was up until after 1am. Our sleep schedules are shot! Must work on that.

We had a great weekend visiting my mom, my grandma and aunt, and my friend Sandy and her family. It rained most of the weekend which was a welcome site. Sofie and I drove back late yesterday afternoon after stopping for playtime with Sandy's kids. We got hungry for supper on the way home and instead of doing fast food, we decided to stop at a restaurant. The first available was Applebee's in Lexington, NC. While Sofie and I are waiting for service she draws on a piece of paper a picture of me, Debra and her. (She's been doing this A LOT since Debra's death.) When the waitress comes to take our order it goes something like this:

"I just drew my family. My mama Debra died."

The waitress with a combination of a horrified and sad look said, "I'm sorry about that."

At some point I interject, "I'm sure you weren't expecting that conversation, but she's right, her Mama Debra did just die."

"Who are you staying with now?" The concerned waitress asked Sofie.

Sofie points to me as I say, "Me."

"Who are you, her aunt or something?"

"Nope, her other mother."

"Oh, her other mother" with no change in expression.

She looks at Sofie, "Well all I can say is that I'm very sorry for your loss."

Then she took our order and was extremely kind to us the rest of the evening.

The rest of the drive was uneventful. We arrived home, I started laundry, Sofie played with her zoo until bedtime...then the yelling began. Hopefully, as we get settled in to our new routines and life, the yelling will subside.

San Francisco Chronicle article

With the persistence of friends like Brenda, this article was published today in the San Francisco Chronicle. It's a wonderful tribute to the woman we knew and loved.

Finally...the other shoe!

I was beginning to worry that Sofie wasn't having appropriate reactions to Debra's death. She wasn't as sad as I thought she'd be. She seemed relieved that Debra was in no more pain and that she was having "fun" again. Yesterday, while lunching with a friend, I told her I was hesitantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm here to tell you the other shoe has finally fallen and we're on our way to healing!

Last night after her first session, post death, with her therapist, Sofie laid in her bed and cried and cried and cried. She couldn't stop thinking of Debra and that made her cry more. Going to sleep was nearly impossible. I stayed with her through it all, reassuring her that I was going nowhere until she was soundly asleep. She couldn't stop crying or thinking, so I tried to get her mind off of Debra. We did a visualization of sledding down a big hill...unfortunately I was so tired that I kept drifting off into that dreamy twilight place! I would be describing our sledding adventure then suddenly slip into a dreamish state and pop out with a phrase like, "we moved the wire from the wall." Huh? So I finally explained to Sofie that I was almost dreaming so if I said funny words to ignore them! The sledding adventure worked and we both drifted off to sleep. I got up, moved myself to the makeshift bedding I'm sleeping on until next week, fell right back asleep..for awhile. Now it's almost 4am and I'm up blogging...with a sore throat!!

Do you remember back in college when you stayed healthy for the entire semester...especially during midterms and finals? Then, suddenly when all the stress of school was over and you were back home for a few weeks you had the worst cold ever?!? Well, yesterday my throat started feeling pretty scratchy, my sinuses were achy and my ears felt clogged. Oy! I'm getting the "end of semester" cold!! Doesn't my body know that even though a major stressor has been relieved there are others waiting to pop up? I don't have time to get sick! Oy, oy, oy.

Christmas, Chaos and Clutter

It's Christmas morning and all is quiet around the house. Sofie isn't a morning person, so even with the excitement of Santa's arrival and what he may have brought for her, she'll sleep until she's ready to wake up. (Which is a really good thing because Santa and the elves were up until nearly 3am assembling the zoo that Sofie wanted for Christmas!!)

Then why am I up this early? Well, I've actually been up since before 7a, but tried to sleep a bit longer. Unfortunately my mind started swirling in the chaotic manner it's been living in for the past several months. No amount of warning can prepare you for the amount of "stuff" you have to do once someone dies...especially if it involves a merging of two fully stocked households!!

I've been very grateful that Auntie B(Brenda), Laurie H and Aunt Nancy have been here the past few days. They've tackled chores that I don't have the heart or gumption to do...going through Debra's personal things, as well as her office. I would be screaming from the rooftop if I had to do all of this stuff. And in a week or two, Fairygod Barbara will be joining us back here in Durham to start a major purge and allocation of Debra things. I still feel overwhelmed with the tasks of getting my stuff from the condo to the house. I can't move things yet...there's simply no room.

I was grateful to read my horoscope from Christmas eve after waking up, head spinning. It sums it up best and offers great advice...except for that damn breathing part again!!

You have been given more time to figure out what's best for you, yet you still might think that you have to make a decision right away. If you feel an overwhelming sense of urgency, take a few deep breaths and step back from the situation. Hasty actions won't be productive, so think through your options before you act. There's no need to rush; everything is unfolding according to schedule. Rick Levine's Daily Horoscope

I am very fortunate to be able to take off the next two months(and still get paid) to get our life in order. The company I work for has an adoption benefit that this situation falls under the guidelines. This will allow me the space and time to orchestrate (with the help of many others) the merging and purging that needs to occur before Sofie and I can truly settle into our lives.

I am so ready to be a full-time mom to Miss Sofie. The chaos of the last year has afforded us the opportunity to bond and trust one another on a whole different level. I've had much time to trust that my parenting instincts are good..actually they're better than good. There was a time where I felt I did everything wrong...and I'm sure there are times to come when I'll still feel that way! The situation of the last year has strengthened my resolve as a parent and although you can't fully prepare for this situation please know that I'm just ready to settle in and watch that little girl we know and love grow into the strong, smart and beautiful woman we all know she'll become.

Life for today

A big THANK YOU to all of you sending the kind words and thoughts our way. I've saved all the voice mails and emails and will respond to all later. Right now, my focus is to make sure that Sofie has a great holiday season.

Sofie and I are starting a new chapter of our lives together without Mama Debra. We've had some very sweet discussions. Sofie's really not that sad now because in her words, "Mama Debra is in Heaven with her cat Lily, her Dad and other friends and family. And she's having as much fun as she did as a kid!" I have no idea where Sofie heard about Heaven...I haven't used it, but she must have picked it up somewhere. I'm glad it gives her the comfort she needs. Her biggest stress right now is all the people that are here.

Today, she's in her first play. It's at our Unitarian Church where they are acting out the story of Jesus' birth...Unitarian style. Not to offend my Christian readers, just know the story is told as that. In Unitarianism, we're open to many beliefs, so that fact that Sofie is playing a dog in the manger wouldn't be strange...however, she's wearing her friend Tay's Scooby-Doo costume so that might seem a bit odd to many folks. There's no poking fun, just storytelling.

Yesterday, Sofie and I tried to have a normal day. We went to Biscuitville, hung out with friends and family at the house then went to a movie. We saw Alvin and the Chipmunks, which is quite charming and funny. Afterwards we went to Red Robin with Donetta, Taylin, Jamie, Emma and Jacob for holiday festivities. After that, Sofie and I went to Donetta and Taylin's for a relaxing early evening play date and hanging out. It was just what we needed...low key, relaxing and fun.

After the play and church we head to my Dad's for an overnight. I'm sure there will be good food and laughing and loving.

We continue on, life as we know it for today.

In Memoriam

The Winter Solstice is often associated with death and rebirth. How very appropriate that Debra exited this world to be reborn into another this very morning.


She was being held energetically by so many of you and I'm certain that made the transition to a pain free and loving place so much easier for her.

Be assured that her death was painless and a beautiful relief. Her mother and other friends were with her at the time of her death. Sofie and I sat with her after her death, told her we loved her and we will miss her very much. Sofie said that she's becoming an angel right now. We cried and kissed her goodbye.

A local memorial will be in January and the San Francisco memorial will be in the Spring. Details to follow for both.

Sofie and I are a bit overwhelmed right now so we're taking time to ourselves by staying at my condo tonight. We both appreciate all the love and kind thoughts that are pouring our way. We love each and everyone of you and are glad you've been part of this part of our journey.

Tennyson said it best,

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I think we were all very lucky to have loved and been loved by Debra.

What makes a Mama proud

Yesterday I received a call from Sofie's therapist encouraging me to do a few things. First of all, move Christmas up a few days if we can. Secondly, to have "the" talk with Sofie. "The" talk included a few layers but it was "the" talk nonetheless.

After a long day at work I had an appointment with my therapist who had been out of town for a few weeks. It was great to be able to have that support before I went home to chat with Sofie.

I arrived at Debra's just as Sofie was settling in for a bath. I had planned to have the chat in her room as we were settling down for the night, but something told me to go for it while she was in the tub. That something was SO right!

I sat down beside the tub to be as close to her as I could be. First thing we talked about was why Grandma Mimi came to visit. I told her that it was because Mama Debra was getting sicker and Grandma wanted to be with her. I made sure she understood that's why there were so many people coming in and out of the house, too. That admission brought tears to both of our eyes.

The next step was THE hardest thing. First a little background. I have an angel that hangs from my rear view window that belonged to my MawMaw Bess(for the southern impaired, that's Grandma to you.) I made a beaded chain and put the angel on the end. Sofie asks about it often so we've talked about angels that were once on earth are now protectors of their loved ones. She obviously "got" it because she's used it in her own therapy sessions. So using angels as a metaphor for death was encouraged by Sofie's therapist.

After discussing Grandma Mimi's visit that was followed by little 7 year old pleas that she wished Mama Debra weren't sick and that she'd feel better. Perfect segue to the next part of the story.

"Honey, we've talked about how Mama Debra isn't going to get better. In fact, (tears are rolling down my face by this point) Mama Debra is preparing to leave us to become an angel. Which means you won't see her unless she visits you in your dreams or thoughts."

Tears are welling up and the lower lip is pooched out in Sofie. "But I want her to get better!"

"Unfortunately that's not going to happen...but once she's an angel, she won't be sick anymore. We just won't get to see that."

"Can I stay home from school tomorrow with you and Mama Debra?"

"Absolutely"

"Can I spend the night with you in the condo?"

"Of course!"

The next part is what makes this Mama so very proud of my girl.

Laurie, who's visiting from CA, came in to the bathroom and I filled her in on what had just happened.

"Mommy, can I say the "S" word?"

"Sure honey, you can say any bad word you can think of" (In our house, the bad words are stupid, dumb, hate among others. We're allowed to HATE only two things...she hates mosquitoes and bamboo...the bamboo is another story at another time)

"STUPID CANCER!!!" "STUPID DUMB CANCER! I HATE CANCER!!!" at that point, she stood up in the tub and grabbed her tub crayons. She drew a house with Debra, Sofie and me inside. Then she drew a smaller house(in yellow) with Debra in it as an angel. Then she drew Debra in a hospital bed. Above the two houses she wrote good times and beside the hospital bed she wrote, bad times.

"How to you spell stupid?" "S-T-U-P-I-D" "How do you spell Cancer?" "C-A-N-C-E-R" She wrote the words out, underlined them, crossed them out...got a lot of anger out towards them! Then she found a little piece of crayon and squished it into the side of the shower wall..."THIS is Cancer!! I HATE Cancer!!"

You can't imagine how proud and relieved I was to witness her emotions so profoundly exhibited. That interaction made me realize...she's going to be okay. Sad, but okay!

The rest of the evening was spent cuddling, talking. Me answering questions. Before we left Debra's to come to my house, she did go in and talk to Debra. Debra was awake so she got to tell her that she wished she'd get better. Debra reinforced that wasn't going to happen and to remember that she loved her more than anything. Sofie went through a litany of "I liked it better when you weren't sick because..." statements. Those reasons included, no longer getting to cuddle, no longer being able to play, and basically no longer any fun. Debra understands. Then just before we left, she gave Debra a big kiss and we told her we'd see her tomorrow.

If I haven't said it enough...I am so grateful to have a kid named Sofie as my daughter.

Quick check in on Debra

It seems like forever since I've posted. I wanted to post about the adventures Sofie and I had over the weekend, but I feel I need to update everyone on Debra's condition. I'll post some happy post a little later.

Debra is not doing well at all. Pain seems to be controlling her life right now...so much so, they've just started her on oral Morphine. I worry that the end is much closer than any of us ever anticipated.

Please hold our little family unit in your thoughts and prayers as we help guide Debra peacefully to the next phase of her journey.

A somewhat better day

Thanks to everyone for their support during my mini-meltdown yesterday. I have to say that writing the last blog posting was very therapeutic! After writing it, I felt tons better. Apparently all those people bugging me to write all these years were right. I just should have listened sooner.

Debra came home from the hospital today. She's still pretty weak. It'll take her a few days to get reoriented to life at home. The troops are arriving, so life will be easier for our family as we ride this roller coaster. I won't bore you with the schedule, but suffice it to say, we're covered through the New Year! We're going to try to have a great remainder of the year and create more memories.

Many are asking how Sofie's doing. I'd say today she had a major breakthrough. She apparently started sobbing at school during recess. She went over to one of her teachers and said, "I'm worried about my mommy!" sprinkled between sobs. After a bit of consoling she called Debra to check in on her. That made her feel better. Maya came and picked her up early from school, took her to Locopops for a frozen treat then to Whole Foods to get some flowers for Debra's return home. While at Locopops, Sofie informed a woman there with her dog that her mom has Cancer. The woman told her she was sorry. Sofie didn't stop there. She said my other mom had Cancer, too. And because of that I get to go to Camp Kesem! The lady said, "Well that's a way to find a silver lining out of something bad!" That's our girl.

Fortunately, Sofie had therapy tonight. Lots of good advice shared. She was encouraged to talk about stuff even if it makes her sad since the bad stuff doesn't go away even if you don't talk about it. Well that must have given her the permission she needed. After reading a few chapters in her book and turning lights out, she reached over, gave me a huge hug and said, "Mommy, I LOVE you!" and then she burst into tears and we talked for a long time about Debra. She cried, I cried. It was good. She had a bit of trouble falling asleep, but after crying, she said to me, "I got all the worries and sadness out!" Such a sweet girl she is. Her fear is that Debra will get sicker and have to go back into the hospital. She said, I miss her when she's in the hospital! Then we talked about Mama Debra and cuddling. "She won't get to cuddle and watch Jeopardy with me since she has the new little bed." Awww, poor kid. I wish I could make this all go away, but I know we've got a long road ahead of us.

Breathing is NOT working!!!

Between 9a and noon today, five different friends ended their emails to me with their variation of telling me to breathe. I've done mindfulness meditation and even took an 8 week class, however I'm here to tell you, right now "breathing" isn't relieving any stress for me. I'm feeling the most stressed that I have ever felt in my life. I don't know if I'm coming or going, standing or sitting, or smiling or crying. Apparently I'm so stressed out, I'm stressing Debra out...she just told me that, so that's not good. I'm drowning here.

My work environment has been ridiculously nonsupporting this week. I feel like they'd just as soon give me one swift kick out the door instead of dealing with what's to come in my life. No one as even asked how Debra's doing...or for that matter how Sofie and I are doing. Compassionate, eh?

I haven't stayed at my condo since before Thanksgiving...glad I decided not to move in to Debra's...yes, that sarcasm. My shoulders feel like they're touching my earlobes. Sofie's stressed, too. She's had her 2nd outbreak of herpes near her eye in less than a month. This time instead of being beside the eye, it was on the eyelid...of her GOOD eye!! Poor kid. She's going to start prophylactic acyclovir to keep these outbreaks from occurring. It's stress...all of it! Sofie and I have always had a fairly even keeled relationship...not so right now. She's yelling and throwing tantrums and I'm right there with her, wanting to yell and throw my own tantrum! Well, I am yelling, but no tantrums...yet.

Whirlwind Weekend

For an update on Debra, please check her blog for the latest posting here. It's been a tough few days, fortunately we had Joanna and Naomi visiting from CA to keep us all occupied and busy. We had a very fun weekend. They arrived on Thursday evening while Sofie and I were attending the Duke Women's Basketball WIN over Rutgers!!! (As an aside, this was one of the worst played games I've seen in a long time...by BOTH teams!! We're fortunate that we came out on the winning side of that one!) A big shout out to Beth and Jan for picking the girls up so Sofie and I could have fun evening out with friends.

The girls picked up like they'd seen each other last weekend. Since Sofie was staying home from school the next day, we let them run a bit wild before trying to calm them with a joint bath...something started when the girls were wee ones.

As you can see, the tub was quite full!

The next day I headed to work while Joanna had the girls all day. They visited Debra in the hospital and had a pretty low key afternoon(that included trampoline jumping!) Later in the day, they ventured to Cary to meet me at work. The amphitheater next to my office had a Winter Wonderland with an outdoor ice skating rink. After skating and Sofie checking in the the big guy in red, we headed out for dinner to Sweet Tomatoes.



Sofie, Naomi and Joanna enjoying a spin around the ice


The big guy in red


Hamming it up by a tree decorated with animals for adoption

Saturday was Biscuitville for breakfast...I know you're shocked!! Naomi was less than impressed with our Southern cuisine. Sofie and I enjoyed the usual! After breakfast we headed back to the house for some playing and trampoline jumping. Then the highlight of the day...High School Musical on Ice!! A very "Disneyfied" version of the movies...on ice. The girls enjoyed it and don't tell anyone, but the parents did too! After leaving the arena we headed to the hospital with 2 cranky, hungry and overtired people. (You thought I was talking about the kids, but it was really the moms!! Okay, the kids were cranky and hungry, too.) We grab a snack in the hospital cafeteria, then up to see Debra. That lasted about 10 minutes before I felt a meltdown coming on...again, mine...not Sofie's! So we headed out.

Proof of the every popular Biscuitville!!


Bouncy, giggly girls

Sunday brought a little bit of respite for me. I really wanted to go to ERUUF, so Joanna stayed with the girls...and even ventured out on a grocery shopping jaunt! After running a few errands, I came back to house and swapped cars. I drove to RDU to pick up Maya from her flight from Boston. Maya, lovely young adult that she is, offered to fly down for a few days to help with Sofie. Her mom, Laurie, will be here on Monday to stay for a couple of weeks. What an incredibly fabulous family!!

After picking up Maya, we raced back to the house, dropped Maya off and picked up Joanna and the girls. We were heading to Vertical Edge for a classmate of Sofie's 9th birthday party. The girls had a blast climbing and swinging from the ropes! Sofie has decided this is where she wants to have her 8th birthday party.

Cute girls in their gear!


Naomi was a natural!


Sofie cheesing it up!

After the party, I dropped Joanna off at the hospital so she could have a quiet visit with Debra. I took the kids back to the house and they jumped on the trampoline...shocked, I know! Joanna and I tag teamed when I headed back to the hospital, she took the car and I visited with Debra. We left the girls home in Maya's capable hands.

On my visit with Debra we chatted, pondered life and I read a few chapters of Eat, Pray, Love to her. That book was a joy to read the first time, so it was nice to be able to re-read some passages to Debra. It was nice to have quiet time with her...that hasn't happened in a very long time.

Physically, mentally and emotionally I'm about as wiped out as I can be. The troops are coming in for back-up soon, so I may actually sleep in my own bed in the near future! Thanks to everyone for all the love and support and healing, loving energy you're sending our way. We can sure use it!

Status on Debra

Many folks have written to me saying they're concerned because Debra hasn't blogged lately. I wanted to give you all a brief update on her situation. For the past few weeks, she's been fatigued beyond any one's comprehension. Hopefully it's residual from radiation treatments. Next week, she'll be seeing the oncologist for a follow-up/check-in visit. We'll know more then.

As far as blogging goes, her computer is downstairs and she's mainly upstairs. A laptop with wireless would be nice, but one hasn't magically appeared on the bedside table!! She checks email once a day...usually first thing in the morning(sometimes more if energy allows.)

Thanks for all your emails lately. It's been a tough few weeks, but we're all hanging in there.

Every three months, like clockwork

Around this time last year, I had finished radiation and had just completed my first two rounds of chemotherapy. I was bald and loved wearing all the warm, cozy hats. Now I have a head full of darker hair that's possibly loosing the curls that came with regrowth(ie, chemo perm.) I hope so, I wasn't doing well with the curls...although people seemed to like them on me...just something different, I guess.

Today was my 3 month check-up with my oncologist, Dr. Valea. I alternate every three months between him and my radiation oncologist, Dr. Jones. The appointment was pretty uneventful, although I now have to have a colonoscopy to see how much damage the radiation from last year actually did to my digestive track. I've been having symptoms ever since I had radiation, but didn't really think that much about it...until today. I assumed it was something I was just going to have to live with. Well, I was wrong! Fortunately there's treatment for the condition I have...chronic radiation proctitis(or colitis)...unfortunately I have to have a colonoscopy to determine amount of damage to help decide course of treatment. On a troubling note, none of the treatment options are pleasurable! Let's just say I have to take steroids...but not by mouth. I'll leave the rest to your imagination!

If you're fascinated by the topic, please do read the Wikipedia entry on radiation proctitis...beware, there are pictures. As a librarian, it's my professional duty to provide information, yet it's up to you, the reader, to decide to read it. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Cranky Mom Monday

Man I'm cranky today. More so than the typical Monday blues. I'm not sure how much more of this emotional roller coaster I can take. Up down up up down down down extreme drop down slight incline up up dramatic drop! That's my emotions and that's only in a day! Nah, not really, but close and I am allowed to take creative license with my feelings, right?

Weekend went by much too quickly. It's a blur. Don't remember much of it, either. Sofie and I put Christmas lights outside at Debra's. It was fun watching her hammer with such intensity. (Hammer was for the nails we wrapped the lights around...although I did smash a light, causing havoc in the flow of things. Tape fixed it right up!) I also took my very cool fiber optic tabletop Christmas tree to Debra's, too. I figure Santa will show up at her house this year since the zoo has to be set up on the train table.

Fortunately Debra had a visitor the last half of the week giving me a tad bit o' time to myself. It was great having Susan Q here. We relived some funny moments, had a nice dinner out and just had nice time. She was a great person to be there for Debra. Their friendship goes WAY back, so Debra felt very comfortable opening up to her. I'm grateful for her visit. Next on the block will be Joanna and Naomi visiting from Oakland. We have a weekend full of fun things for the girls to do...High School Musical on Ice is the big outing, thanks to Donetta for getting tickets through work. The girls(Sofie, Naomi and Taylin) will have a blast, but I think the moms will, too!

Saturday night I was hosted by Angela and Annette for a fabulous steak dinner. We dined, chatted by the fire and just hung out. They're a great couple and I'm lucky to have them in my life. Angela and I both love this time of year...College Basketball season!! I'm so fortunate to have a wonderful group of friends who support me in all I do.

Teaching moment gone awry

Last night as I was doing my last check of email I noticed an influx of messages from parents on one of the listserv groups for Sofie's school. I read the first message and had no idea what letter they were referring to, so I ran back upstairs, rummaged through Sofie's backpack and found the offending letter in question. After reading the memo, I went back to my email to see if the other parents were as upset as I was becoming. Indeed they were. The gist of this memo was to inform the parents that a Freshman Dorm at Duke has taken our school on as a "service project." There are so many great ways this could have been handled. Unfortunately, the "service" is to buy our kids gifts!

Setting aside the general assumptions made about children who attend public schools, let's think for a moment how many other ways that money could be used. Supplies for the school, playground equipment, sponsoring some sort of assembly or guest that the kids might learn from and enjoy, let the kids come up with gift ideas for kids who are in need...the list goes on. I'm sure there are families at her school that will welcome the gift, but our family isn't one of them.

Debra and I both have been working on teaching Sofie about giving and sharing instead of acquiring more things. In so many ways, Sofie has a huge heart. She's compassionate, loving and gets pleasure out of helping people. So what is it about "stuff" that makes her turn into a big selfish brat?!?! Debra thinks it goes back to her orphanage days and not having stuff. That may be true to some extent but I think it has to do with the fact that we SPOIL her. I'm as guilty as the next person when it comes to giving Sofie too much stuff. It started early and it's apparent it's going to be a hard habit to break.

Over the past couple of years while dealing with illness and other stuff, I've gotten into a space where "things" don't matter and I'm tired of all the clutter those items cause. It's partly spiritual, it's partly a change in a way of life. It's the way I'm choosing trying to live and I'd love to instill those values on my kid.

This morning became a battle of wills on the subject. In my quietest, most sincere voice I attempted to explain to Sofie that she's a kid living a great life and that there are so many other kids who, through not fault of their own, live in situations that might cause them to not have a happy holiday season. (As I was saying some of this stuff I was hoping beyond all hopes that she didn't say, "Why doesn't Santa just bring them toys!!"...luckily that thought didn't occur to her. Whew, I escaped that one by the skin of my teeth!!) In the the over dramatically way that she can be, tears welled up in her eyes and she said in a long drawn out moan...NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Theatrics at it's best! Well, that just annoyed me, so the quiet, sincere mom clammed up and the loud, self-righteous one reared her ugly head. After getting nowhere, I sent her upstairs to start breakfast while I got dressed.

While downstairs I heard stomping, slamming and arguing. I guess she'd told Debra of my evil plan to give away all of her toys...well, one of them anyway! After getting dressed, I went upstairs to continue the lecture. She argued, but didn't have any good points...it was mostly selfish. My point was that we could let Santa know that instead of the gifts she was supposed to get from him, she decided that she'd rather have the ONE gift from the Duke students and to please give those gifts to kids who were nicer and needed them more than she did. (Manipulative, yes. Effective...yet to be determined.) Bottom line, she WILL give up that toy to Toys for Tots or something like that. Will she learn a lesson from it? Again, yet to be determined. All I can say is we're trying to create a giving person instead of a selfish, wanting little person. Maybe it's too much for a 7 year old, but at this point my will is stronger than hers and I'll win this one!

Was I too harsh? Will she forgive me? I told her to tell her therapist tonight that Mama Jamie was evil and making her give away a toy! She laughed and glared at me in a fake evil look. At least that'll take some of the focus off of Debra's illness. I can be the bad mom, I can take it!

Laugter and tears

After picking up Sofie and Debra from the airport we headed back to Debra's for a low key afternoon and evening. I could tell that Debra was feeling pretty punk when I first saw her at the airport. She had a couple of good days in Chicago, but seems to be feeling pretty much like she did before they left. We arrived home, she went to bed and Sofie and I had a good rest of the day. I was glad to be there. I had really missed Sofie and wanted to spend some time with her.

While I unloaded the car and did a few things downstairs, Sofie became reacquainted with her plethora of animals. At one point she asked me to dig out her Singing Santa Scooby Doo. We searched high and low and she found it tucked behind an otter in the guest room closet. A few minutes later she wanted the other snakes that were packed in checked luggage. She informed me that all the animals were gathered around and they were going to listen to Scooby sing Christmas carols. I just cracked up and walked downstairs.

A bit later she got to jump on the trampoline with the neighbor kids...I heard them say, "You went to a water park?!?" I could hear the doubt in their voice...if I didn't know she'd gone, I'd doubt her too. Apparently this was a mega indoor water park. She told me she went on an "upside down in the dark and out of the dark slide"...whatever that means. She had fun, but the "worstest" part according to her was the ankle bracelet they made her wear...it rubbed a blister on her heal. Nice souvenir!

A bit later, we played with her Webkinz, Snowy the polar bear. After becoming bored with that she wanted to watch the second live action Scooby Doo movie. I convinced her that showering and getting in her new warm, fuzzy, squirrely pajamas would be best for the flow of the evening. As I was brushing her hair after her shower, I asked what she wanted for dinner. I offered up mac n cheese or something else. She said, "I wish we had a supperable to eat." It took me a second to realize what she was talking about. And when I did, I busted out laughing...loudly. Then she realized she'd made a joke without even knowing it.

For those of you without kids, there are these things called "Lunchables" that are prepackaged lunches. We have a few to use for emergency lunches or snacks. However she was referring to the Kid Cuisine Meals that we used to keep around mostly for babysitting nights. Since Debra's recurrence, we've used them once or twice for "supper" on those nights that either I wasn't available to help out or both of us were just too wiped to cook. So, you can see why "supperables" made me laugh hysterically. So we created our own version of supperables...chicken noodle soup with a fruit rollup...then popcorn for movie time.

After the movie, it was time to read. I was looking forward to bedtime tonight because I stumbled upon a series of books I'd never seen before while on a shopping trip to Target. When I read the title of the first book in the Judy Moody series, I knew I could relate...and when I read the intro paragraph, I knew Sofie could relate, too.

Judy Moody did not want to give up summer. She did not feel like brushing her hair every day. She did not feel like memorizing spelling words. And she did not want to sit next to Frank Pearl, who ate paste, in class.

Judy Moody was in a mood.

Not a good mood. A bad mood. A mad-face mood. Even the smell of her new Grouchy pencils could not get her out of bed.

“First day of school!” sang her mother. “Shake a leg and get dressed.”

Judy Moody slunk down under the covers and put a pillow over her head.

“Judy? Did you hear me?”

“ROAR!” said Judy.

That's Sofie...to a T!! Her new nickname...Sofie Moody, but only at the times she's flinging attitude! I sure did miss that girl...and that sense of humor.

After reading a lot of the book, I turned off the light and started the bedtime back rubbing routine. Sofie was preoccupied...I could tell. I asked her what was up..."I don't know. I'm tired but I just can't go to sleep." I tried all the tricks and when they all failed, I got up and told her she needed to try to get to sleep. I walked into Debra's room to check on her and a few minutes later, Sofie stormed in, burst into tears and said, "I CAN'T GET TO SLEEP!!" I suggested she climb into bed and cuddle with Mama Debra a little bit. She lay there sobbing. Debra and I asked what was going on..."I don't want to talk about it." "Are you sad?" I asked. Her sobbing head nodded under the cover. Debra asked what she was sad about? "I don't like that your sick!" More tears and talking. She cuddled and cried a bit more. When she settled down, I asked if she was ready to try it again? "Will you rub my back?" Of course I did. She was sound asleep in 5 minutes. I guess that release needed to happen before she could settle for sleep.

I suspect there will be more of this. I'm glad she's comfortable and safe enough with us to let us know...in her way...when things come up. I'll be here however she needs me.

Long weekend of respite

Today is the day Debra and Sofie return from a long weekend of family time in Chicago. Today is also the day my 4 days of no responsibilities(other than the cats) ends. It was a luxurious weekend. My idea of luxury is different than many people's idea. Luxury to me a few days of doing nothing if that's what I want...or a few days of mixing it up by doing nothing, hanging with friends or just whatever. My weekend was the latter and I loved it. I'm looking forward to picking Debra and Sofie up at the airport in a few hours but while I'm waiting for them to arrive, I thought I'd catch up on my blog.

My weekend actually began Wednesday. After dropping Sofie and Debra at the airport at 6a I headed to work for an all too long day. I was exhausted due to 3 or so hours of sleep the night before but I just dealt with it. Knowing I had a four day weekend sustained me enough to get me through the day. The rest of Wednesday and much of Thursday was very low key.

Thursday I went over to my friends Joy and Susan's for late lunch. It was 78 degrees which just isn't right for Thanksgiving day. Running the air conditioner in The food was fantastic as usual. The company was entertaining. I ended up hanging out for many hours. Fortunately I was sent home with enough turkey for a couple of turkey sandwiches and some wonderful mashed potatoes(the best food on earth!)

Friday I didn't leave the house until 5p! It was a day of bliss. Reading, watching movies and catching up on a couple of shows I hadn't seen for a few weeks. Pure heaven, Jamie style. I only left the house because I had dinner and saw a movie with my friends Donetta and Elizabeth. After an early dinner at Carrabba's we headed over to see a movie I hadn't heard of until looking for movies to see...Bella, which was a very sweet movie. Glad we picked it. After the movie I stopped by Target to do a little holiday shopping. It was great! Hardly anyone in the store. I did run into a friend and chatted for 30 minutes or more, then we both went on to finish shopping.

Saturday was my most favorite day. I woke up early, headed to Mebane and met my daddy for breakfast...yes, I'm 42 and still call my dad, "daddy"...that's who he is and always will be and yes, I'm a total Daddy's Girl. He's the person that fostered independence in me. He taught me so much and the coolest thing is that we often don't see eye to eye on things. But that's okay...we have a healthy respect for each other's values or beliefs. That's the coolest thing about teaching your kid to be independent and a free thinker. I look forward to instilling some of those same beliefs in Sofie.

After hanging with Daddy for a bit, I headed to Burlington to shop a little more. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Sofie has friend that's a squirrel...well, at least that's what she says. I've never heard her talk to him, but she seems to communicate somehow. She refers to him as "my friend squirrel." My dad said, so she's her "Tubby"...Tubby was one of my imaginary friends that I had as a kid. So with that in mind, I found the cutest pajamas at Carter's. She's getting too big to wear Carter's clothes, but these were so cute, I had to get them.



Saturday evening I hung out with Betty and Delma. We went to dinner at Nantucket Grill, then went back to their house and chilled out watching a little TV. I had just bought a 20Q and brought it along to dinner. We tried to stump it over dinner. I think we succeeded only one time! I want to know HOW this thing works!! It's a fun game.

Well, only an hour until I pick the girls up at the airport. I missed them and can't wait to see them. I'm sure we'll just hang out the rest of the day. The weekend of bliss is almost over then back to work and reality.

Pre-Turkey Day Thanks

It's that time of year where we pause, give thanks then eat too much food. I thought I'd try to give thanks before the food gets in the way and fogs my thoughts!

My list of things and people I'm thankful for are in no particular order, except I did save the best and most important for last!

I'm so grateful and thankful for my family of origin(that means the family I was born into)...I have the greatest, most supportive parents...ever. They love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am, quirks and all. The rest of my family, although we may have differing opinions or beliefs also love unconditionally. This family is where I learned how to laugh and that a sense of humor is vital in the world.

To my chosen family(that's the people in my life that aren't related by blood/marriage or the like, but play as an important role...if not sometimes a more important role...than my family of origin), you guys are my rock AND you all rock! (You all know who you are!!) We too, have some differences, but that's what makes the world a great place. Thank you ALL for the love and support you've given over the years and allowing me to be part of your lives.

To Cancer...thank you for your humbling experience. My life will only get better after battling you.

To all my various health care providers...you made my life more bearable this past year. A special shout out to Dr. Valea, Teri T, Dr. Bland and in GyneOnc; Dr. Marum; Dr. Jones and Jane in RadOnc; and all the cool nurses and volunteers in the Chemo Treatment room at Duke.

To everyone supporting Sofie's growth and progress a big THANK YOU. You've all loved and supported her in many ways and she's doing so well because of your influences. Special thanks to Dr Jane R, Mrs. Kelly, Mrs. Ewald and the entire team at Morehead Montessori(Sofie's wonderful elementary school) and everyone at Camp Kesem.

To everyone else, even the strangers reading this blog...thanks for showing up. I hope you've gleaned something useful or enjoyable from my heartfelt words and that you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing.

Now to the most important people in my life right now:

I'm thankful for the worlds greatest daughter. We are told over and over by so many different people in Sofie's life what a great kid she is. I want her to know how lucky I feel to be a part of that life. I'm looking forward to learning all she has to teach me. Thanks for putting a smile on my face each and every day.

The person that I want to give the biggest thanks to is Debra. This is the hardest, most bittersweet Thank You I'll ever do, that I am sure. I want to thank you for barreling forward with Sofie's adoption and allowing me to continue to raise and love our beautiful daughter. I feel like I've been given such a gift...and I promise I'll take care of that gift and give her all the love and support she can handle so she can grow into the fine young woman that we know she'll become.

I love you all and wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving however you are celebrating.

Chillin' at the condo and more

Sofie and I had a very intentional low-key weekend. She seems a bit more tired these days...maybe I'm projecting, but it is how it seems. I picked her up from Debra's after an early morning appointment on Saturday. We gathered her clothes and various animals she decided to bring and off we headed.

First stop was Chapel Hill to pick up her very colorful painted sculpture of Scooby-Doo from Paint the Earth. I had no idea you could get so many different colors on one statue!


Isn't he colorful?!?!

On the short drive from Durham to Chapel Hill, she fell asleep in the car. See! More tired! After picking up Scooby, we headed back to Durham. I had no plans at all, I was just playing it all by ear.

Since it was lunchtime, I asked Sofie if she'd like to stop and get lunch at Red Robin...one of her favorite places to eat(they have cartoons on the TV monitors!) She didn't seem that into it, so I suggested picking something up and going home and just chillin' out. She seemed all for that. I even let her pick the restaurant...why was I not surprised when she picked Biscuitville! She's becoming the most Southern girl via California by way of Ukraine. She's even developing the cutest Southern accent...only on certain words, though.

Our afternoon included watching a bit of TV, playing her V-Smile video game, and rebuilding her T-Rex Mountain, which is really hard when there's no instructions(and a few pieces missing.) She's kind of out of her dinosaur phase, but she wanted to use it as a habitat for her animals(lions, cheetahs, alligator/crocodile and tigers...yes, I realize they don't live together, but she insists.) She's WAY into animals. No dolls for this girl. She's very clear about that fact. She even hates commercials about dolls...especially when I joke that Santa is going to bring her a pile of dolls for Christmas because he knows how much she loves them! Don't tell her but I think Santa is going to bring her a cool zoo with animals to replace the trains(that's she's no longer into) on her great train table. Santa's going to have a LOT of work to do Christmas eve to set that zoo up!

After the afternoon of just chillin' at the condo, we headed over to Emma and Jacob's to play and hang out while their mom's went to a party. We were joined by Taylin and her mom's, too. It was initially crazy noisy, but Donetta(Taylin's firm yet fun mom) got all the kids in order while Elizabeth(Tay's other mom) and I just sat there with our hands over our ears and pained looks on our faces. (That's only a slight exaggeration, too.) I have no idea how parent's can have more than two kids without going crazy or deaf with the noise level! (Can you tell I'm an only child raising an only child?)

Sunday we slept in...until 830a! I'd promised her a game of "Tickle Tackle"...honestly I didn't know what it was, but she's been bugging me to play ever since we got back from Minneapolis. Kim played a rousing round with Sofie and Zander while I was sick in bed. If you're really ticklish, I recommend you not play. However it is extremely funny hearing the giggles come out of a child, especially when she's tickling her mom! We played most of the morning away and headed out for Brunch with Sofie having her standard pancake, bacon AND sausage.


The girl LOVES bacon!!

After Brunch, we headed to the local AMF bowling alley for the Fall Reunion of Camp Kesem campers, counselors and family. Check out Sofie bowling. She has a style NOT to be missed!


I have to say, it's always nice to hear good things about your kid, but I'm telling you the counselors just gushed over Sofie and what a great girl/camper she was...especially since it was her first time at sleep away camp. I told them about the comment she made about wanting to be a CIT at Kesem when she's older. There was a collective, "Awwwwwwww!" heard round the alley. Bean, Sofie's cabin counselor was there. We all bowled a game. It was nice spending time with such a giving group of young adults. You can see how it really touches them to see the kids again. I'm looking forward to the Spring Reunion and Sofie's looking forward to next summer for her week at Camp. (Remember, it's free for the campers. If you're feeling in the giving spirit, please click on the link at the top of the page and make a donation to help this wonderful group continue.)


Sofie, Mama Jamie and Bean after a successful bowling adventure


The rest of Sunday was pretty simple. A trip to Sam's Club, back to Debra's where Sofie and I watched the first Scooby-Doo live action film. She giggled a lot, so that was good. We had dinner, cuddled on the bed with Mama Debra and I read and tucked her in for the night. I keep wanting to pinch myself...do I really get to parent such a great kid? I just love her so much and I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of grown-up she becomes...but just not YET!! We still have years for that.

Traveling girl memories

I've had a pretty emotional week. Some good emotions, some bad emotions. Some about work, some about life. It's been a roller coaster ride. I won't go through the drama of the ups and downs, but know that's why I haven't written much this week. I have, however, enjoyed a trip down memory lane this week so I thought I'd share some of those memories.

A couple of days ago, Dana over at Mombian posted a request for "Good Lesbian Travel Writing." Unfortunately I don't have anything to contribute on such short notice, but it did start me thinking about all the traveling I've done during my life. This week, Debra was graced with a visit from a long time pal, CJ. I was reminded of other fond travel memories by her visit, too. Since she lives in Colorado, I'm sure there will be other memories created if Sofie and I take a visit to see her in the mountains.

Traveling has always been something I've loved to do. I enjoy exploring new places, learning about other cultures/communities, playing in other peoples backyards, as it were. I've always thought it was because my ascendant in my astrological chart is Sagittarius...known lovers of travel. Could also be just my natural curiosity and love of seeing new places. Doesn't really matter, it's just one part of who I am.

For all of our differences, Debra and I always enjoyed and traveled well together. Many of my fondest memories involve trips that Debra made happen or had a big part in creating. CJ's visit sparked a walk down memory lane regarding my 30th birthday. Debra and I visited CJ and her then partner Lori in their home in Idaho. What I didn't know at the time was that they had planned a wonderful float trip down the Snake river on the day of my birthday. Unlike many people, higher altitude's give me a jolt of energy instead of the sleepy's like many flatlanders encounter when visiting the mountains. I attribute that factor to my genetic make-up...I come from mountain folk! Mountains have always seemed like home to me. One day, I will live in the hills again. On this trip, Debra experienced the sleepy's in a bad way! As we were gently floating down the beautiful Snake river and seeing sites that inspired Ansel Adams to take beautiful and breathtaking photos, Debra kept dozing off. Slyly, she was wearing sunglasses, so I don't think our guide new. We got a kick out of it, since I seemed to be on speed and she was slower...kind of like we traded places for the weekend. That entire trip made for my most memorable birthday experience to date. I may have to scan and insert some pictures for your enjoyment!

The other trip that I'd love to write a story or two about was our trip to South Africa. There are so many funny stories along with a multitude of life changing experiences. Seeing Nelson Mandela in person, witnessing a lunar eclipse of a full moon, waking up early and seeing the grounds surround our cabin covered with Nyala(their version of deer), watching the sunrise over the Indian Ocean and set over the Atlantic Ocean, being surrounded(literally) by a hundred elephants, eating food I never thought I'd eat(ostrich, chicken that tasted like fish, babootie, musk gum and passion fruit yogurt), eating some of the best Indian food I've ever had, seeing various wildlife in the actual wild, meeting and hanging with some very cool people, seeing the shanty towns that are on the outskirts of Cape Town, and hearing live music in downtown Cape Town. I could go on, but I'll save some things for stories to write later.

As we tread through the tough times ahead, I love that I have such wonderful memories to sustain me. I have great stories to tell Sofie about the life Debra and I had before she came along. At some point, I'll get to go with her on bigger adventures and share the love of travel that Debra and I so enjoy.

Change (from the perspective of a 7yo)

For the past 3 months, our family has been attending monthly KidsCan! meetings at Duke. These meeting are intended to provide emotional (and educational) support for kids in families where a parent(or in our case, parents) have been diagnosed with Cancer. Each month there's a new topic that is discussed separately with kids in one group and parents in another. At the end of the evening, the two groups come back together and a facilitator gives a brief synopsis of what each group discussed or activities in which they participated.

Last month, the kids got a tour of all the areas the parents might experience on a typical visit for treatment. They visited the clinic area and radiation and chemotherapy areas. They learned lots of great information and got a groovy goody bag at the end. This month, the topic was change and how it might be affecting the kids. The parents had a lively discussion of their concerns while the kids were having a "snowball" fight! Okay, it wasn't an actual snowball fight, but it sound fun, nonetheless.

Another activity the kids participated in was talking about changes that have occurred or might occur in certain age groups. They had big sheets of paper hanging up with age ranges on the top of the page. Parents were encouraged to go around and read the lists. I read with the intention of figuring out what Sofie had listed. Trust me, it wasn't hard! Under her current age, these were the two "changes" she listed: "I get to be the boss of my mom" and "I get to buy animals." What?!?! Which mom? My guess is she made the correlation of what changes have happened since Cancer entered our family...not just typical changes that have occurred in her life. I was impressed with a change she wanted to happen when she became 13...she wants to be a CIT(counselor in training)...I'm not sure if it's for Camp Kesem or Sportsplex. She's had great experiences with counselors at both, so it's hard to say. I'm just thrilled she's so into camp.

Change through the eyes of a spunky 7 year old can mean a number of things. I hope she holds onto to some of those since we're all in for more changes to come.

Who Dies?

I've been thinking a lot about dying lately...not my own death mind you, but dying. I've never been afraid of dying and I'm quite fascinated by the process both physically and spiritually that happens when one dies. Recently I was chatting with my very dear friend Rick. He's the coolest guy...ever...and he recommended a couple of books for me. They're both by the same author, Stephen Levine(and his wife Ondrea co-authors one of the books.) One is entitled, Who Dies? An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying and the other is entitled, A Year to Live: How to Live This Year as If It Were Your Last. I ordered both books online and I began reading Who Dies? today.

The Table of Contents and the index of Who Dies? have me enthralled. I can't wait to dig deeper into this book and finish it so I can start the other book. The first book is to prepare me for what's to come with Debra. I'm the kind of person that likes information, so the more I have the more comfortable I'll be. The second book is more for me and how to live my life differently.

Conscious living and dying are only terms that I've encountered here and there. I've never read anything about it or even investigated it. Even though I'm not well versed in the topic, I can tell that my own beliefs include what's being discussed in this book. I'm anxious to expand on them to see where it takes me. Topics discussed include: Models of dying, Finishing Business, Grief, Heaven/Hell, Working with Pain, Approaching Death, Letting Go of Control, Stages of Dying and many more aspects. I intend to come out of the other side of this book mentally prepared for death. I know I'll still have stuff come up, but I want to be clear and full of ideas and be able to explain things to Sofie if/when she asks.

After I read it, I'll post more information, but for now, that's all I've got.

The grumpies

I'm grumpy. Not sad. Not angry. Just grumpy. While searching online for the perfect image to illustrate just how grumpy I am, I stumbled upon the company I should model or work for...Grumpy Girl Clothing. Some mornings, Sofie could get a job there, too! Too bad the shirts only come in girlie sizes. Big girls get grumpy, too!

Before you jump on the bandwagon to tell me that my grumpiness is grief related, let me just clarify...I've been grumpy much of my life for one reason or another. I don't particularly think this time it's grief. I think it's the fact that I'm getting a cold, I'm exhausted, I have no winter clothes that fit and did I say I'm exhausted? So there, it's not grief at ALL...just me being me.

Scooby Doo and Shaggy, too

Scooby Doo and Shaggy, too
Originally uploaded by cybrarygrl

Halloween, 2007. Scooby put the "goatee" on Shaggy all by herself.

Am I blue?

I'd love to post something witty, unfortunately I'm feeling quite sad today. Seems all that realization that the anger I've been feeling was more about the underlying sadness has really had an effect on my mood this weekend.

Sofie spent the night with me on Friday. I picked her up from Kids Night Out at KIN after a lovely spontaneous movie night with Betty, Delma and Debra. On the way home I thought she had the sniffles from the cold air. She actually had the sniffles from crying. When we arrived at my condo and the interior light of the car came on she burst into tears. "My head hurts!" Once unloading the car and getting upstairs we laid on my bed and she just cried and cried and cried. I felt her forehead and she felt hot. I took her temperature and lo and behold she had a fever. I searched my medicine cabinet and found ibuprofen for her.

Sleep wasn't great for me as she had a restless night of kicking, grunting, sighing and sweating. Next morning she still had a bit of a fever, so I gave her more ibuprofen. Later that morning she pointed to her eye and said it hurts. That means only one thing...a herpes outbreak. Yep, there it was, inching towards the corner of her good eye. We went to Debra's, picked up her meds and had a fun afternoon out and about. For the first time EVER, she picked out clothes at Old Navy. Made some cute selections, too. We we busy much of the day and went to see Bee Movie late in the afternoon. Funny movie. Laughing helped.

I've been home, on the couch literally all day. Just feeling blue...very blue. Some days you just have to let the blues win. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll be back to "normal", whatever that is this week.

Mask of anger

Last night while I was in my own therapy session, Sofie was apparently having a very similar session of her own. Seems we're both handling our pain and sadness in the same way....anger. My therapist gave me an excellent tool/image to use to work with this emotion...the mask of anger.

I've noticed that increasingly over the last few weeks I'm living with a shorter fuse. I'm getting angry at everyone and at everything. Seems anger is a common emotion often used to hide profuse sadness. It's been painful to watch Sofie get angry at Debra more and more. I hope that my realizations can help Sofie deal, too.

So what do I do about it? Well, the first step is be aware of it. Oh, I'm aware alright. It's painful to realize that anger is where I go to hide sadness. I was feeling so guilty about getting angry, especially at Debra or Sofie. Now that I'm consciously aware, I can try to get more in touch with the true feeling of sadness. Since I know that Sofie's dealing with her sadness/confusion in a similar way, I can let her know that my anger is coming from being sad about Mama Debra's illness. I may even get creative with her and we'll actually draw a mask of anger that we can take on and off...with a mask of sadness on the inside for us to see as we're taking the masks off.

What can *you*, my friends and family do about it? Call me on it. If you see I'm getting pissy for no reason and you feel comfortable seeing me sad...check in with me on an honest level. I know most people get uncomfortable when others are crying or grieving. Ironically, I don't get uncomfortable when others are crying or grieving. I can be present with people in a very supportive way while they're sad...so why am I having such a hard time with my own grief?

I hope this discovery makes the future easier for all of us.

A waiting room's entertainment value

Hospital waiting rooms provide so much material for writing, it's almost not fair. Yesterday, I spent much of the day at Duke in the family waiting area for those scheduled for surgery. Posted all over the doors, entry ways and even provided in the pre-op information it is stated clearly for each patient to bring a maximum of two friends or family members...TWO. The waiting area consist of the lobby just off the elevators and a smallish waiting room. So why is it that I got stuck sitting with two families...one with SIX plus a baby and the other EIGHT family members?!?!

Let's start with the family of eight. Debra and I had moved to a room in the back of the waiting area after a woman(who by the way was having surgery) reeked of so much cigarette smoke that the already nauseous Debra was going to hurl at any moment. We were escorted by the front desk lady to a nice quiet room that only had one other person there...well at least for a few more minutes. Debra and I were quietly chatting when I looked up and in walked a small herd of what was later determined to be religious fundamentalists! Each person read the sign on the door that politely asked for their cooperation around the "no more than 2 family members" suggestion...I would say it was policy, but policy would mean that someone actually enforced it...which never happened. Each "family" member read, looked somewhat uncomfortable with the fact they were breaking a rule, then hastily retreated to the corner of our cozy room. Initially I thought it might be two or more patients, but then that all started the crosstalk that became my entertainment for the next few hours!

It was quickly made known that this "family" was from a small town south of the triangle. It's a town that, had my family been a bit less lucky, we would have been stationed after my dad finished Highway Patrol School. I could have ended up *just* like these people! Okay, that's a stretch because we did end up in a small town that's probably pretty similar to this small town and I think I escaped relatively unscathed. As I often do in group settings, I started sizing up this unit. Cultural Anthropology at it's best!

I was quite surprised that approximately 95% of their conversation centered around church. Going to church, how church has helped them, how someone is doing "so much better" because they started going to church. Singing in church, eating in church...heck for all I know these people LIVE in a church!! The oddest thing about this family...I'm about 99.9% sure two of the men there were a couple...a redneck couple, but a couple nonetheless!! How do I know...well one of them "shows" Boston Terriers...yeah, it's a stereotype but stereotypes exist for a reason!! I was just simply amazed at how much "church" was part of their life, too. I'm not talking mainstream liberal religion...I'm talking fundamentalist in the most strictest of ways. I certainly hope that I'm correct and that these two young men are accepted by their family for who they are. That would be a nice change of pace from the typical reaction of kicking family members to the curb or insisting they "straighten" out(pun intended.)

The second family really didn't give me much material. The all kind of made me laugh when the three guys in the group whipped out their laptops and proceeded to work/surf or do whatever. It was precision laptopping at it's best! Initially there were only 4 members, but apparently their preacher and two other family members and a baby were sitting in another area of the waiting room. It was crowded yesterday, so after Debra got out of surgery, I chatted with Dr. Bland and found out she was okay and what to expect, I went downstairs to the lobby...where NO one was sitting!

Debra is doing quite well from her biopsy. We won't know anything for a month or so, but that's okay. She's beginning her radiation sessions today. Thanks to everyone for continued support, love and care. Our little family needs it.

Mini Apple Is*

*(Mini Apple Is...the way Sofie would say Minneapolis for it to make sense to her)

Sofie and I are back from our whirlwind trip to Minneapolis. We had a great time. She and Zander were fast friends, although at some point she didn't quite "get" the antics of a three year old. The constant shouting "NO!", the bossiness, the possessiveness. I just had to explain that she was just like that when she was his age...and sometimes she can still possess some of those traits! They worked it out. When Zander took his afternoon nap, Sofie and I chilled out, too. It was a good trip, except for the pesky stomach bug I acquired sometime Saturday and am still dealing with the effects as I type this. Bleech.

Our flights to and from Minneapolis were about as easy as I've ever experienced flying. We actually arrived EARLY at both destinations. We spent about an hour in Chicago's O'Hare airport where Sofie had some energy to burn, so I had her run around paying special attention not to run into anyone. She did that for about 15 minutes, then settled down for me to read a Scooby book to her. We got on our connecting flight to Minneapolis, then arrived 1/2 hour early there, too. So, after getting our luggage and taking the tram to the rental car building, we were off to Kim and Cindi's house. The return flights were just as easy, with on-time flights all around. Easy traveling. Sofie amused herself with animals, drinking cups and gummi worms...don't ask!

Sofie was greeted with a welcome bag from Zander. The bag had Scooby Doo on the outside...as well as all things Scooby on the inside! She's now the proud owner of Scooby socks! Zander and Sofie were off to play in the great play area they have downstairs. Poor little Rowan, who's 10 months old, just couldn't keep up with the big kids. After awhile of playing, we settled the kids down and all were ready for bedtime.

After the wee ones were asleep, Kim and I sat up and chatted for awhile. Catching up. Just reconnecting. We talked about all that's happening and going to happen. As a mom, Kim could really identify with the grief and sadness that Debra is going through with regards to Sofie. It was sweet to see her so empathetic about this. She and Cindi are such good people...and dear friends.

Saturday morning we were welcomed with a hearty breakfast of biscuits and gravy(made with 1/2 and 1/2!!!), eggs and fruit. After filling our bellies with good food, Kim and I walked with the kids down to, as Zander says, "the blue park." We had so much fun! My photos are posted on Flickr for you to enjoy.

After lunch, the little ones took a nap and Sofie and I snuggled on the couch watching, you guessed it...Scooby Doo. I dozed on and off while she enjoyed her cartoons. When Zander woke up, they played...had a little altercation about a snake, then Sofie and I took a little outing to a great toy store. It was just what we needed, a little Mommy/Sofie time. Upon our return, we ate a quick dinner, then got dressed for the Halloween party.

Sunday brought a day of illness for me. I won't gross you with the details, but needless to say, I was not feeling well. Kim took Sofie and Zander to the YWCA for swim time, then Cindi joined them a little later after Rowen woke up from his morning nap. I enjoyed a bit of alone/quiet time. Although I'd rather have been swimming than feeling the way I did. I napped, then they came back, I was still napping so while the little ones took a nap, Kim and Sofie explored at another park. After the little ones woke up, I heard a rousing game of "tickle tackle" in the basement. Not sure what's involved but there was a ton of laughter!

Later in the afternoon, I got up, showered and everyone headed out to ChuckECheese. I tried to eat for the first time that day...bad decision. I promptly threw up when we returned. The kids snuggled down for Madagascar and popcorn, while I packed and called it an early night.

Sofie and I needed the time away and had a great time thanks to Kim and Cindi. I think from the pictures, you'll see she did.

This is my favorite picture of the weekend:

Out of town

Sofie and I are heading to Minneapolis for a fun weekend with Kim, Cindi, Zander and Rowen. It'll be a fun packed weekend with a Halloween party thrown in for good measure. I'm sure I'll have pictures and stories to write about upon our return. (It's a full moon, so here's crossing fingers for uneventful travel!!)

I'm just looking forward to the change of scenery and spending quality time with good friends.

Prepping for our trip

Since we've been having an unusually warm October, I felt I needed to prep Sofie for the fact that Minneapolis is not having an unusually warm October! What this truly means is NO shorts!! Yes, it's the end of October and we're still having weather warm enough for shorts. During the summer Sofie's biggest complaint is how cold the restaurants are. She's thin...not one ounce of fat on her bones...she gets cold pretty easily...and she's not very nice about it. Of course when offered a sweatshirt or something to warm her chilling body, she summarily rejects them. She's much happier whining about it. But I digress.

I wanted her to be aware of the pretty drastic temperature change for our upcoming trip this weekend. She didn't seem concerned and was in fact very pleased that her Scooby Doo costume was warm and fuzzy. Okay, maybe she'll be fine with natural cold...maybe it's the artificial cold she doesn't like. I mentioned it snows a lot in Minnesota. She beamed. The girl loves snow. Something we have so very much lacked the past few years. I, too, love snow. I've always dreamed of living in a place that's cold and snowy. (I'm sure those of you who have lived in places like that think that I'm crazy and that I'd actually hate it!) I have to disagree. I'm happiest when it's cold. Again, I digress.

Last night, after lights were out and I was lying in bed with Sofie. We were talking a little of our upcoming trip. I keep drilling her on the names of the people we're visiting. She loves that one of the little boys is called "Z"...that made her laugh. We did the Name Game song with all four of their names...hopefully at least one of the names will stick...she's not really great at names...she sometimes forgets names of kids in her own class. After I drilled her a little more, she pops out with the funniest question. "Mommy, do they speak English there?" Where do kids come up with this stuff? So, I had to help her visualize where, on the map, Minnesota was. That even though it borders Canada, it's still part of the US and yes, they mostly speak English there!

Clarity has arrived...for the time being

Sometimes I don't write because what I'm feeling or going through is intensely personal. Too personal to share, especially on a blog. If I need to share, I usually do with a few select friends in an email or conversation. I've been doing that a lot over the past few days. I had some insights and realizations over the weekend after having an appointment with one of my more spiritual advisers. I won't go into all we talked about, thus the preface in this entry. However, I will share some insights.

As I've stated recently, I've been feeling in limbo...caught between two places and not wanting to give up either. These two places consisted of two physical spaces as well as two distinct roles. The physical spaces, as you know, consist of my condo and Debra's house. Should I move in now or later...after, after? Should I keep going between two places...living in limbo? Should I figure out a happy medium that works for all of us? The two roles that I've been playing are clear, too. Caretaker of Sofie and caregiver to Debra. Both roles, even on the best of days are exhausting. Throw into the mix that I have a full time job that I'm skating on thin ice on and that just adds to the strife I sometimes feel.

As someone who tends to nurture by nature, the caregiver and caretaker roles are fulfilling and make me feel useful in a rotten situation. With that said, one important person is falling to the bottom of the to do list...ME!! To some, that may sound selfish. However if you really think about it, I need to take better care of me in order to better care for my family. Taking better care of me involves simple things like eating better, moving more and keeping tabs on my core feelings. Currently, exhaustion is a core feeling I'm having. Okay, I realize exhaustion isn't really a feeling...however it is effecting how I am in the world. So to work on the exhaustion will involve dealing with some internal feelings. Finding my clarity and purpose for the next however long we have is important not only for me, but for Debra and Sofie, too.

One bit of clarity that I had this weekend...and have discussed at length with Debra...is the role that I'm really intended for. What I realized was I'm best being utilized by being a caregiver/mother to Sofie. That's not to say that I'm not going to be a caregiver to Debra...it just means I have to prioritize better and others will have to step in as this process continues. I trust that Debra has such a deep and wide circle of friends that she will want for nothing as time progresses. I can't, nor do I want to trust that the same will happen with Sofie. She's becoming my responsibility more and more and I need to focus on her to make sure she comes out on the other side of things feeling loved, supported and cared for.

The other bit of clarity was about moving in with Debra. I don't think that will best serve anyone...especially Sofie. As time progresses I think both Sofie and I will need a place to go for respite. What better place than my condo? A haven that is already familiar and safe for both of us. As Debra's disease progresses, she'll need more assistance for her daily living. In order for that to happen, there needs to be a place where those who are visiting and assisting to rest and find their own retreat. In a house with only one extra bedroom, that extra space should be reserved for those caring for Debra. I continue to spend most evenings at Debra's house, assisting with homework, bath and bedtime. I even stay and hang out with Debra once Sofie is snug in her bed. I'll continue to do that as long as it works for all of us. Unfortunately at some point, they'll need to be others stepping in to be with Debra while I concentrate more of my energy on Sofie and her well-being.

As I've always done, I trust that the universe will provide those people to be there for Debra...allowing me to fully focus on Sofie. She and I will have our own grieving, processing and moving through all of this. I know we'll get through it and be okay on the other side of things...I'm just not necessarily looking forward to some of that journey.

A day of purging and clearing out

Today I spent the majority of the day going through old boxes dividing them into three piles...donations, keep, trash. Amazing how you become less attached to things as you got through stages of your life. Stuff has a way of overwhelming me. I get stuck, energetically and physically, then the piles become less and less manageable.

My dear friend Tracey encouraged and supported me, both physically and spiritually. Sometime earlier this week we had a chat about what she could do to help me with that state of limbo I've been feeling. She offered to help me start packing the non-essentials in my condo in preparation for whenever I need to move to help Debra or to parent Sofie. Because it packing and cleaning overwhelms me, I was resistant. Tracey doesn't give in that easily though. She can be very persistant by taking charge and making a plan. Since it was short notice, no one else was available to help out.

The first part of the day I tackled the piles on my own. I bagged up 4 large garbage bags of clothing to donate to Goodwill. I had started going through my personal effects when Tracey arrived. We ended up taking 8 boxes of crap(well, not all of it was crap) and whittling away to 2 boxes that I kept and the majority of it I donated, gave away to friends or threw away. I'm exhausted, but my room feels so much lighter now. I still have a long ways to go...my closet is next! I'm trying to create a space where Sofie and I can take respite when needed or where we can come when Debra needs more quiet times.

I'm still amazed at how much stuff I've accumulated in the past years. I'm really in a place to minimalize and get rid of more things. Goodwill and Craigslist, here I come!!

Halloween article

A few weeks ago, the new editor for Q-Notes, the LGBT community newspaper for NC posted a request to our local family group, Triangle Families. His request was simple, he wanted to know what LGBT families were doing for Halloween and if safety was a concern. I replied to his request, and lo and behold made it into the article. Now the secrets out of the bag as to who Sofie and I are going to be on Halloween!! Let's just say there's Scooby Snacks involved!!

Friends of Wind River Newsletter-first edition!!

Please enjoy the first edition of the Friends of Wind River Newsletter lovingly created by Dave and Shannon, retreat facilitator's extraordinare!

This is from the folks who did the retreat I so very much enjoyed. I think you'll see a familiar face on the newsletter along with some of my words of wisdom. :-)

Exhaustion and limbo

In what can only be explained as emotional exhaustion, my life is becoming quite overwhelmed at the moment. This perpetual state of limbo is probably the most difficult period in my life. I need to be settled...somewhere. I need routine that doesn't involve moving between two houses. I go to bed tired and I wake up even more tired. It's constant. I need it to stop!

Overload in Pink

I've tried to hold it in, not blog about it, bite my tongue. I just can't anymore. This is not meant to offend my friends, family and others who have dealt with Breast Cancer. I respect that they have fought or are fighting this thing called Cancer, too. It's really more of a dig at the "corporatization"(is that even a word?) of a single illness. I'm guessing folks felt this way about AIDS in the 90s, but this whole pink thing is just rubbing me the wrong way!

Maybe it's because Debra is losing the battle with Ovarian Cancer. Maybe it's because there are so many other cancer's out there that need funding. Maybe it's because it's just over doing it on so many levels. I'm sure there some deeper meaning about why this is effecting me so much, but I don't have time to reflect on this. So instead, I'll just write about it.

On Tuesday, I accompanied Debra to her Gyne/Onc appointment. After standing there listening to all the things that are going wrong and listening to options to give her better quality of life and hopefully extend that life, I just blurted out to our nurse, "Are you guys as sick of the pink stuff as I am." She smiled and confirmed what I had been feeling since the end of September. You see, this all started with a little activity scheduled at work. Fortunately, I was at my retreat...with at least 4 breast cancer survivors!

Apparently, the company that makes Lee Jeans sponsored a National Denim Day to encourage folks to wear jeans(how convenient) and make a $5 donation to support breast cancer research. My employer took it even further and allowed anyone donating $20 to wear jeans the entire month of October. Initially, I was pleased that we were participating in something that was raising funds for cancer research...then I realized it was only for breast cancer research. It made me incredibly sad that breast cancer is getting so much press when Ovarian Cancer seems more likely to kill a woman.

Am I wrong to be upset? I hope not. I hope this feeling is seen as valid and not petty or bitter. Like I said, this isn't directed at the people who are affected by breast cancer, just the corporations who are trying to make a buck all in the name of a disease. I've recently been made aware of sites such as Think Before You Pink that "...calls for more transparency and accountability by companies that take part in breast cancer fundraising..." and points out corporate "pinkwashers." Pinkwashers are companies that give money to Breast Cancer causes while simultaneously make products that contribute to the disease.

Please continue to donate to whatever causes you feel are appropriate for you. Do your homework first and make sure the money is being spent wisely.

Sitting Still

I've recently joined a website called Crazy Hip Blog Mamas, this posting is part of Collaboration Wednesdays. Occasionally, I'll post and link back to their site based on the topics for the day. I joined for a few reason, but mainly it's nice to have something to prompt or inspire my writing!

Today's Writing Collaboration is Sitting Still:

Sometimes it’s in the quiet of it all that we think the most. Sometimes it’s during those moments of solitude that cause things to fall into place.

What do you find when you sit still?

One thing I know, I'm at expert at sitting still. Unfortunately, sitting still in the physical sense is much different than sitting still in the mental sense. The latter is a much harder place for me to be. I'm a thinker, I ruminate and process internally, so that mental stillness is rare. On those lucky occasions when I have that mental quiet, feelings are the most common thing to emerge. Stillness evokes tears, smiles, laughter, crying. Interesting, the place I am most still is my shower. Maybe it's the water that allows the thoughts to wash away, opening the door for those emotions to creep in.

Sitting still just provides rest or sometimes it allows me to enjoy the beauty around me. Sitting on the banks of the Eno, stopping and listening to birds chirp or squirrels play in my parking lot, being stuck in traffic but listening to a favorite tune and singing at the top of my lungs, cuddling a cute girl and rubbing her back while she falls asleep, or simply being present in a conversation. All of those are times I know I'm sitting still.

What do you do when you're sitting still?

Just as activity beats the cold,
and inactivity (stillness) beats the heat,
Purity and stillness can heal the world.

-Lao Tzu

I wish Purity and Stillness were all it took to heal Debra. I'd sit on her for a decade and recite something pure around the clock if I felt it would help.

Awakening...a lesson in Chinese Medicine

(For those waiting to hear about Debra's visit to the doctor today, you'll have to wait for her version of the story. It's not my place to share that information before she gets a chance to write her own thoughts.)

For the past few weeks, I've been waking up at 5a, like clockwork. I remembered from a previous acupuncturist that in Chinese Medicine there's something called the Meridian Clock that is useful in acupuncture and other types of Chinese medicine practices. I won't even attempt to explain it, however, I'll make the connections that are appearing for me. Bear with me as I try to explain what my roommate/acupuncturist explained to me on the way out the door this morning. Here's a very condensed, confusing explanation of how the Chinese view the body and it's connection to seasons, emotions and other things. Maybe this article will help.

On the meridian clock, 3-5a represents the lungs, while 5-7a represents the large intestine. I'm teetering on that line just between both. According to my acupuncturist, that means both systems are working hard. Ones the Yin, the other the Yang. For clarification, the Lungs, in Chinese medicine represent grief. Can I get a big, DUH?!? Furthermore, the most predominant emotion in Fall is...you guessed it...GRIEF!! This article, or part of an article is the best explanation that I've found for this topic.

I find it amazing how the body is connected to what's going on in life. As Janet(acupuncturist/roomie) said this morning, my life is really reflecting what's happening this Fall with our extended Indian Summer. I'm in a state of constant flux. I don't know where I'm living from one moment to the next, although I own my own place. So many ups and downs. Well, at least I know my body is processing the grief I'm feeling. A little poke with some needles this week will help move things along and free up some energy to allow for reinvestment of that energy.

It goes without saying to please continue to keep our little family unit in your thoughts, prayers, or whatever you might choose to do. We appreciate it and can really feel the love.

A cure for what ails you...Sofie time!

Well, I'm in less of a funk now, after spending the day out of the house doing fun things with Debra and Sofie. Unfortunately, I think a little funk will be with me for awhile, but I'm okay with that...it makes things real.

A few weeks ago, there was a horrible apartment fire in Carrboro. 14 units were damaged or lost and all of those people were displaced with nothing to their names. Being the altruistic person she is, Debra has tried to help out a couple of the people that were involved. She was notified by other employees of their needs, so we both figured out ways to help them. Since it's becoming more apparent that we'll be combining households sooner, rather than later we started with "like" items. A Cuisinart that we both own and a crock pot since we both have one. Yesterday a lovely graduate student came over to Debra's with a friend and a pick-up truck. Her needs were simple, but we offered more. We gave her the aforementioned items, however her biggest need was a bed. So without hesitation, we gave her the furniture and bedding from the guest bedroom at Debra's with a comforter from my place thrown in, too. It's so much better to give to someone in need than selling your things.

As I put Sofie to bed last night, she wasn't sleepy. More in a chatty mood. Sometimes when she's not tired, she wants to play before she goes to bed. I gave her that option but she chose to try to go to sleep instead. I turned off the light, lay beside her and she turned into Ms Chatty. We lay in her bed talking about a range of topics for another hour or so.

I'm trying not to read more into what she does or says than I should, but sometimes it's hard not to do that. She picked out the books for me to read last night. One of them was the pared down version of one of her favorite kiddie movies, The Land Before Time. This is a movie where the main character, Littlefoot, loses his mother to a T-Rex battle early on. The mother remains in spirit, heart and even clouds to guide him to safety. Symbolic? You tell me. I just know that when Debra's having conversations about death, even before her own illness, she used Littlefoot's mom AND "the circle of life" from Lion King to help Sofie understand death. It's worked...she spouts that stuff back to us and has for a long time. Since she's such a lover of all animals, I figured she'd be vegetarian. When having the discussions about eating meat, her response has always been a firm, "It's the circle of life, mommy." I'm sure that'll change because everyone I know has gone through a vegetarian stage...at least once in their life!

Last night's sudden chat fest seemed to be more out of a need for connection, safety or a unaware sadness. Whatever is keeping her chatting and connecting with me, I don't mind. It's sweet when she tells me what her worries and joys are. Last night she was trying to describe daydreaming to me. She didn't have the word, but was very aware of when it happens. I gave her the word. She's aware of the connection to that and her "concentration pill."

Sofie told me last night that she often has to re-do her math because her concentration pill makes her go through her work too fast. I told her math was never my strong subject and I struggled with it, too. She seemed surprised, yet relieved to know that I had struggles in school, too. I guess you never think about sharing struggles with your kids...but I do that often to make her struggles authentic to her. I want her to understand we all have/had our struggles but we also work(ed) through them. She also confirmed what I suspected...she loves science. It's her favorite part of school. I told her that was my favorite subject, too. We chatted about what we like about science. Her connection is simple...it's the animals. Mine was more about the cool experiments we did. I think she'll like that aspect when she gets in higher grades.

I'm amazed at the changes that are going on with Sofie right under my nose. Through all the crap that's happening in her life right now, she's remained a very compassionate kid. She loves to help out. The other day I accidentally spilled a big glass of iced-T at Debra's. Sofie was in her room when she heard the commotion. She ran out and without missing a beat said, "Mommy, go lay down, I'll clean it up!" When I didn't...because why *should* I, I was feeling fine and I made the mess...she demanded no less than 2 more times, "MOMMY, go lay down! I'll clean up the mess!!" So I removed myself from the situation and let her handle it. She moved the chair back to it's place and was so proud of herself. This kind of thing is happening more and more with our little one. She's such a great kid...how'd I get so lucky?

Fall funk

It's Saturday morning, a beautiful sunny crisp Fall day(finally!!) and instead of being being happy about the change in weather, I'm in a funk. I've been up since 5am for no apparent reason other than my head is spinning.

Fall is my favorite time of year. It always has been. It's the time of year when the hot weather that I detest goes away, leaves fall become beautiful colors and fall off trees. It's the time of year we prepare to go deep within. Fall typically makes me ecstatic...I'm having a hard time feeling the love this year. I know it's situational and maybe if I'd get my butt outside and enjoy this lovely day, my mood will change.

I am heading out soon. Going to Debra's to then head with them to a birthday party for a kid friend of ours. That should raise my spirits.

I'm sure my blog will be full of ups and downs for the next bit of time. Rollercoasters R Us.

It's OUT!!!

The surgery went great. The port is out without a hitch. Very easy procedure. I was barely sedated. Had a great team working on me. Very funny yet professional trio of a nurse, radiology tech and surgeon. The recovery nurse was somewhat of a hard ass, but I'm guessing that's her job!! She told me I couldn't email for 24 hours...as if!! Guess I shouldn't be blogging either?!?!

Earlier in the day I made sure Sofie knew how important and what this procedure meant. I even brought home the port to show her:


Purple extravaganza

I needed to make sure she knew how important this was and what it meant...I'm better, no longer sick! We "high fived" prior to me leaving yesterday morning so she'd "get it." I think she did!

Port removal

On the heels of the bad news we received yesterday, I'm sharing good news. I'm having my port out in a few hours. My mom drove up from Charlotte and we're heading over to Duke soon. This is a very good thing and I'm really playing it up as so for Sofie.

Protecting our children

With all that's going on in our lives, I've been somewhat clueless to what's happening in other people's lives. I feel pretty disconnected from many friends, especially friends with children. I've been thinking about why that is...other than the obvious time constraint issues. Are people avoiding us? Are we avoiding them?

This all became clearer for me recently after a friend was telling me how the blogs Debra and I write are affecting her relationship with her daughter. After spending nearly all day with them, I began to ponder on the drive home how all this is going to effect the children in our lives. Since focusing so much energy on how Debra's death will effect Sofie, I do understand what other parents must be going through.

Some children have already experienced a death of a family member or someone close, but most have not. So I find myself wondering, "How will this be for kids that know Debra through church, school, friends, family?" I realize it's not our responsibility to make sure your children aren't traumatized. I just wanted to acknowledge that I know it's hard for you, too. At some point there will be a lot of kids who aren't going to know how to deal with the news they've heard. I know each one of you will do what's best for your child...as I will do what's best for mine.

For those with children reading this, I have a great article that I can share that's about helping children cope with grief and loss. A well laid out article. Let me know if you're interested. (cybrarygrl at gmail dot com)

Contemplations

I'm happy with my life. I have a great kid, lots of cool friends(new and old) and a family that loves me because of who I am, not in light of who I am. So for that, I am grateful.

Everyone is aware of the situation with Debra, that all goes without saying. It sucks, I don't like it one bit and I'm going to miss her like crazy when she's gone. Todays contemplations aren't about that either, but of course that situation is having it's effect on thoughts and actions.

I had a fitful night of sleep last night. I couldn't get to sleep and when I finally did catch some zzzzzzzz's, I kept waking up. I must have had quite the dream time with lots of processing going on. I know this because when I woke up I had the stark realization that there's a benefit my employer provides that I may get to use. It's paid parental leave for up to 8 weeks for the "primary care-giver" in an adoption situation. In the situation that will be coming up, hopefully later rather than sooner, I will be the primary care-giver who will be adopting Sofie. I've spoken with our HR people and they confirmed that I would indeed be eligible in this tough, albeit unique situation. The HR person also pointed out that I'd probably be eligible for the adoption assistance benefits, too. She very kindly reminded me of our Employee Assistance Program for help getting through the difficult times ahead.

This realization made me appreciate more(not that I wasn't already) the perks and benefits that I'm afforded by my employer. I know major illnesses can be detrimental to the bank accounts of people. I feel so fortunate that that added anxiety was never part of my journey with my Cancer. My benefits were excellent and I felt supported throughout the entire process. I've recently met families who've become bankrupt because of their illnesses. What is wrong with this country that it allows that sort of thing to happen! I'm not jumping on a soapbox here, I'm honestly curious how a country's leaders and residents can let it's citizens suffer so.

I've also been thinking about my needs and how to honor and achieve them. I've been thinking about this since returning from the retreat a few weeks ago. Mainly because everyone asked me what I was doing for ME during this time. They acknowledge it was a crazy situation and all prayed (or whatever) for Debra. However, they were huge catalyst in making me realize I need to take care of myself and my own needs, too. If I take care of my needs, I'll be better prepared to help Debra and Sofie in the ways that I want to help out. I'm so thankful for the insight I've gained since the retreat. Once again, I'm starting to listen to myself and that always feels good.

What kind of reader are you?

Inspired by Terrance over at Republic of T, I did this quiz. It's pretty right on for me.

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Literate Good Citizen You read to inform or entertain yourself, but you're not nerdy about it. You've read most major classics (in school) and you have a favorite genre or two.
Dedicated Reader
Book Snob
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Create Your Own Quiz

A great kid named Sofie

I promise I'll write more on my retreat experience, but this isn't an entry about that. This is an entry about what a great kid Sofie is and about what a hard time she's having with Debra's illness.

Homework started this past week for our dear Sofie. She's not a big fan of having to do work at home since she works so hard during the day to get her classwork done. Being super nerd that I am, I was kind of excited about the new way homework was being organized and presented to the lower elementary kids at Sofie's school. All the kids in each grade level 1-3 were given a binder with the entire years homework enclosed. For 2nd graders, homework consists of spelling, reading and math. It gives parents the chance to prepare a little more for homework.


Purely by accident, I introduced SchoolHouse Rock to her. We were "high fiving" when I continued on with counting in FIVES. (I actually hadn't realized that this was part of her math homework!) As I was saying, "5, 10, 15, 20..." the SchoolHouse Rock segment of Fives popped into my head. Since my video collection of these are actually video tapes, I figured we could find them on You Tube. I was correct in that assumption, so we watched a few online. She enjoyed them. If she only knew how much I relied on those to learn things like the preamble to the Constitution, the reason for the American Revolution, and how a Bill is introduced and it's path to becoming a law! Now many parents of my generation are using what we loved as kids to educate our own children. It's even cooler that they get 24/7 access when we had to wait until Saturday morning. The wonders of DVDs!!

Sofie's still lacking some basic self confidence around many aspects of learning. From what I've been reading, much of this is tied to the ADHD as that is one of the "signs" in girls. She is noticing that her "concentration pill" (Debra's term, not mine!) is helping her get her work done during each day, allowing her to participate in Fun Friday. Hey, everyone's gotta have goals!

Saturday, after a long day including a play date, scootering in the park and dinner at Sharon and Tracey's Sofie and I had another one of those "Mama Jamie/Sofie moments" discussing what's going on with Debra. We're in car after leaving the dinner party when we get into a conversation about something I can't recall. The talk evolved into Sofie making the statement that included, "when Mama Debra finishes treatment." I replied, "Honey, Mama Debra is never going to be finished with treatment." (I know that's not true, but didn't want to go into the discussion of what actually will happen if and when Mama Debra stops treatment.) "Whaaat? Whhhhyy?!?!" was her emotional reply. I could literally hear the pain and confusion in her voice. I teared up thinking of the best way to answer this plea. In my strongest, most confident voice I said,

"Honey, we don't want Mama Debra to be finished with treatment. She's having treatment to try to keep the Cancer out of her body."

"Mommy, Mama Debra has had Cancer TWO TIMES!!" she replies.

"Actually honey, it's the same Cancer."

And then in a rambling that I know was too much information, I tried to explain how Mama Debra's body just isn't responding to the treatment and how most people do, but a small percentage don't. I reiterated that my body did, so I'm okay.

Sofie got really quiet. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw a sad, confused girl. I asked her if this made her sad. Quietly, she responded, "Yeah." Then in the way that kids do, she changed the subject to a benign topic.

She had a pretty fitful night of sleep that evening. I wonder what she dreamed about?

My girl is taking care of herself the best way she can. I'm doing all I can to support her in this journey. I know we'll all come out okay, I'm not looking forward to the last part of this ride.

Retreat wrap up

This past weekend I was very fortunate to be able to attend a wonderful Cancer Wellness Retreat in the foothills of NC. From my perspective, they were as much in the mountains as they needed to be. Shannon and Dave, the retreat facilitators have a beautiful home and surroundings that they lovingly shared with us. I came home with many wonderful memories that will stay with me and let me know there's more to life than chaos.


The main house surrounded by nature.


I enjoyed much time sitting by the creek.

This particular retreat was designed for those who have had or those who have cancer. We had a wonderful balance of those being treated and those who have completed treatment. On a funny side note, upon receiving my application request Shannon took a look at my blog...which is always in my email signature. She didn't read much of it and to be honest I wasn't very clear in my email, so she quickly became under the impression that I was the caregiver to Debra and not a cancer patient/survivor myself! She told me she had to figure out how to delicately tell me the retreat wasn't for caregivers, but folks who had cancer. After receiving a very kind email back from her, reminding me the retreat was for cancer patients, I responded and informed her that I had, indeed, had cancer too!! I'm so glad the clarification happened and I was treated to a wonderful weekend in nature.

One of my favorite activities was walking the grounds of their home. Dave had placed thoughtful, funny, encouraging signs for us to encounter on our outings. Sofie had asked where I was going, so I explained that I was going to an adult version of Camp Kesem. She beamed and said, so you get to play all weekend?!? So naturally I thought of her when I encountered this sign:



She was somewhat disappointed when she asked if we'd had a food fight and my answer was "No." I did tell her of my other favorite activity, painting with watercolors while sitting on rocks "in" the creek! I added that we were going to get some paints, head to the Eno River and paint ourselves silly. She was more excited for me after that! I guess I did have fun...in the eyes of a 7 year old.

Another perk that's coming out of the retreat is a possible new play date buddy. One of the attendees actually lives very close to me. She has a son who sounds like is cut from the same cloth as Sofie. We're going to try a play date and see if the kids get along as well as the moms did! We drove to the retreat together and I can honestly say we didn't stop talking until we arrived at our destination. She was amused that I "Googled" her to find out if we'd be compatible to ride 4 hours in the car. I was just making sure she hadn't published some manifesto against homosexuality or the likes. Luckily she hadn't, so we had a fun time driving and chatting. I think the kids will get along great. I'll let you know how it works out!

At a retreat

I'm leaving town for a few days for a retreat near the foothills in NC. I'm looking very forward to this weekend of renewal and rejuvenation. I'm sure I'll have tons of stuff to write about upon my return.

Weekend o'fun

Sofie and I had a very busy weekend fitting in way too much fun. Friday evening we had spontaneous dinner with Angela and Annette at Fuddruckers. Then even more spontaneity happened when they came over and hung out and we had pie and coffee. I'm really grateful they came over because while they were there, my back that had been slightly bothering me last week, did a full on "go out on me" while we were just sitting there eating pie. I literally couldn't get out of the chair! So they cleaned up the plates, loaded and started the dishwasher and left me with a very sleepy kid. Unfortunately, I couldn't even put her to bed so she had to do it herself. I took two pain pills, iced my back and went to sleep.

Waking up on Saturday, I realized I was in a bit of trouble and needed to figure it out. Sofie and I had a huge weekend planned and I couldn't let her(or my dad) down because my back hurt. I called my new roomie who's also my acupuncturist and asked for a treatment on my back. She happily obliged. Sofie and I headed over to her place and she stuck a million needles in my back...okay, not a million, but if you would have heard the exclamation that came out of Sofie's mouth when she saw all the needles you would have thought there were at least a million! After stretching, poking, pulling and twisting Sofie and I were off on our big adventure.

First stop, Snaketakular!! We'd been looking forward to this event for a few months. It's an annual occurrence at the Greensboro Natural Science Center, so I'm sure we'll go back next year, too. Grammy met up with us so she could see all the snakes, too. A local herpetologist/venomologist brought 40 venomous snakes for display. He has a great variety of snakes. We saw a black mamba, green mamba, many rattlers, many variations of cobras, several constrictors and boas. I was amazed that the only thing between us and some of THE most deadly snake in the world was a piece of Plexiglas! At the end of the line they had some non-venomous snakes out to see and Sofie petted a Ball python:


After an afternoon of snake saturation and the acquisition of yet another stuffed animal(fox) and snake book, we headed over to Grammy and PePaw's...my dad and step-mom's place. Before cooking, Daddy and Sofie got the boat ready for our Sunday adventure. It was so cute seeing her hang out and help my Dad. Reminded me of me as a kid, always helping and learning stuff from Daddy! He was planning on cooking a belated birthday meal for me. As usual, he didn't disappoint! Boneless ribs on the grill, fried squash, broccoli salad, corn on the cob and a homemade lemon pound cake. My mouth is watering just thinking about those squash...yummy. With full tummy's we sat down and Sofie watched, for the first time, ET. She loved it and later, after we'd gotten into bed I mentioned how ET always makes me cry. She had a shocked look on her face and asked "Why?" I explained about sad tears and happy tears and that this movie had both. She got a sheepish look on her face and said, "Me, too!! You know when I was burying my face in my blankie?!?! I was hiding my tears." I told her that she never had to hide her tears and that crying during movies was completely natural! That seemed to please her and off to sleep we both drifted.

Sunday morning we woke up and the first thing out of her mouth..."Today is fishing day!!" She popped out of bed and immediately got dressed. PePaw was cooking bacon and pancakes for breakfast. I just have to put it out right here...my daddy makes the BEST pancakes, ever. No mix from a box...real batter. Sofie had a great description..."They're squishy" ...light, fluffy and they soak up the syrup. Mmmm, mouth is watering again. After breakfast we piled into Daddy's truck and headed from the river. Sofie experienced a few "firsts" that day.

First time driving a boat:


First time fishing and catching her first fish:


First time jumping off a boat and swimming in a river:


We all had fun. She and Daddy fished. Daddy actually caught the first fish seconds after tossing the line into the water. It happened so fast that as he pulled the line back up I exclaimed, "Is that a real fish?!?!" One of my finer brain moments, I must say. Uh, of course it was a real fish! After Sofie caught her first and only fish, she became quickly bored with fishing so she swam, built snake castles out of sand/mud, jumped off(and jumped and jumped and jumped...) the back of the boat. We had a picnic lunch on the boat. Next time we'll take a grill and cook hot dogs on the shore and play more in the water. I was under prepared for this trip. I didn't even bring a bathing suit for me! Next spring, we'll be much more prepared for more boating adventures. I've already invited some friends to come along!

No matter how unprepared I was, I think this says it all:


Sofie had plenty of fun times.

Tears of concern

Sofie's teacher recently emailed to let us know that Sofie had been whiny, emotional and inconsolable of late. We chalked it up to being a side effect of her new ADHD medication and said we'd check in with her doctor on her next appointment. I also forwarded the information on to Sofie's therapist, to see if she could shed some light on the situation. Boy, did she enlighten me tonight.

It seems that our little miss is concerned that "something" is going to happen while she's at school. That "something" being related to mine or Debra's health. You may remember that when she was at Camp Kesem, her bunk mate's father died while she was at camp. That memory has stuck with Sofie and anxiety is building in her little psyche. Her therapist also noted that her "play" during therapy was way too organized for Sofie. She said that she's hyper-organizing to keep order in her life...a sure sign of anxiety. Her recommendation...encourage messiness in play!! I certainly don't mind that, heck I'm a great role model for clutter and chaos. Debra will probably have a harder time with that one.

The important lesson with all of this is that it's still very important for us to be as upfront and honest as we can with Sofie. Her strength, security and stability come partially from the fact that we've been so forthcoming with her. She knows that Mama Debra isn't getting better and that she may have to be treatments forever. We haven't had a more serious talk than that, yet. I'm sure we'll have many more discussions with her and help her try to make sense of it all. Hell, we need to try to help US make sense of it all. Our girl is becoming so grown up and clued into what's happening.

Telling Tuesday

Today was supposed to be the day that Debra found out if her CA125 went up or down. In what can only be described as a comedy of errors, we found out that machine was broken. I'll let Debra write more on that whole saga. Today was going to be the day that would make Debra feel better about the future or would be more of a reality check...as if she needed more reality checks. From the brief chat that we had this morning it sounds like she got another reality check. Which means we have to have more discussions about the future.

What we haven't been talking about publicly (well at least on our blogs) is the fact that we were thinking of buying another house and moving into it as a family...not partners, but a family. There are many many pros to that decision. Unfortunately the cons, no matter how small they are, are significant and causing stress...undue and certainly not needed. We actually found a wonderful house last week, but the costs would end up being too much for me "after, after" so we slowed down and now I think we've come to a screeching halt. So for now, we go back to the original plan of Sofie and I living in the house that she and Debra live in currently...after, after.

My major reason for living together was to be able to help Debra more without feeling like I was neglecting my own home...which I have to say is being totally neglected at this point. As Debra becomes more ill(and we don't have a time line for this, so people don't panic!) I'll need/want to help out more. The unfortunate thing that seems to be going on right now is Sofie is growing tired and weary of having a sick mom. I know this is very hard on Debra. Especially when she says she wants more time with me. I don't want to remove Sofie from Debra's house because I want them to be able to spend as much time together as possible. I just want to make sure whatever happens is in everyone's best interest. I'd rather Sofie spend more time with Debra.

We'll get through this with many more ups and downs. To be honest, I'm not looking forward to those down days.

Birthday Bamboo

After celebrating my birthday Jamie style...hanging out at Sharon's chit-chatting with a wonderful home cooked meal and catching up on life, gossip and the world...I came home with this waiting on my doorstep:


It's from a friend from California, card said, "Hey Dude, Happy Freaking Birthday." Indeed it was a Happy Freaking Birthday. Aside from the wonderful time spent with Sharon, I also got to hang out with a favorite friend, Donetta and her cute daughter, Taylin. Donetta had a jewelry party yesterday so I went and after everyone left we hung out for awhile before I headed to Sharon and Tracey's house. My idea of a really good time all the way around. Spending quality time with good friends.

Today, a small group will gather at Debra's for Key Lime Pie...yummy...and coffee. Afterwards, Debra, Sofie and I will have dinner. Another great thing in life...family dinner.

Right now, I'm spending quality time with myself...doing laundry and catching up on some work. Okay, that's not really quality time but it's alone time, nonetheless!! Thanks for all the birthday wishes via phone, text message and email. I'm not really feeling the birthday spirit this year, but I'm 42...what's the big deal about that?!?

Finally it's Friday!!

Where has the week gone? I feel I've been remiss in posting this week, it's that I didn't really have much to report. That doesn't mean there's not a lot happening...I just can't report some of it yet.

I've had kind of a crappy health week. Some sort of bad chest cold. One of my bosses told me I sounded like the Ferris Bueller tape...well, at least my cough is real!! On top of that, I had lower back issues all week. Sounds like my body needs a tune up. Probably not a bad idea!

I found out that I was accepted into a free retreat for cancer survivors. Debra actually sent the information to me and encouraged me to go. It's being offered by Wind River Services in the foothills of the NC mountains. I'm looking very forward to some time to be in nature and be by myself. My group is the "maiden voyage" of this organization. I'm sure it's going to be incredible. I'll report back after I attend.

Sofie is with Debra this weekend, although I'm sure I'll see her some since it's my birthday tomorrow. Having a hard time getting excited that it's my birthday. Too much life is happening but I know I should slow down and enjoy it. Tomorrow afternoon or evening I'm hanging out with my best friend Sharon. Her partner is out of town, so she and I get to do some serious "couch laying"...meaning she lays on one couch, I lay on the other and we chit-chat for hours. My idea of a perfect birthday!

Sunday I'll celebrate with friends/family since Debra has a house guest starting tonight through Sunday morning. Probably something small...ice cream maybe. Who knows. It'll be fun. Next weekend Sofie and I head to Greensboro for "Snaketacular" at the science museum, then over to my dad's for a home cooked meal of my choice.The next day we'll go out on his boat and he and Sofie can fish while I chill on the boat. Blissful indeed.

To all my Jewish friends and readers...L'shanah tovah(Happy New Year...actually "for a good year")

Ghosts and Angels

Sofie said to me this morning, "Did I tell you what G said to me the other day at school?" (G is the initial of one of her school chums) "You mean about a ghost biting her?" I respond. Yep, that's it. So we continued that conversation. G told her she saw a ghost on the playground and that it bit her on her hand. Interesting, I say. I asked Sofie if she believed her or if she believed in ghosts? "Do you?"...which has been her retort often when I ask her opinion lately. "I asked first." She told me she thought there were only good ghost, not bad ones that would bite or hurt you. That's reasonable. I gave her my side of what I believed and that lead to another topic of angels.

She knows that I have have an angel hanging from my rear view mirror that reminds me of my grandmother who died a few years ago at the young age of 99. I've always felt she was one of my angels. Someone who watched out for me. I told Sofie that. She pondered that a bit and said, "So if your mom dies then they'll always be around as an angel?" Yes my dear, there will always be angels protecting you. She seemed comforted and as quickly as we started that conversation she changed the subject to the patterns and colors that are on my bedsheets.

Realizing you're different

Well, it's finally happened. Yesterday, Sofie told Debra she was the "worstest 2nd grader." Yesterday was Free Choice Friday, which means when you finish all your work for the week, you get free choice...which for most kids means playing outside. Apparently Sofie didn't get free choice because she hadn't finished all of her work. She told me she was the only kid not to get it. I don't know if that was Sofie embellishing or the truth. My heart tells me it's the truth. She was pretty down on herself about it all. Ironically, I had just done all the research on ONH and I'm realizing her vision is probably causing her more problems than we've realized.

Last night, after picking her up from Kids Night Out at KIN, I broached the subject with her. I wanted to get a read on it myself, since Debra had the original conversation. Wow, she's really upset by it all. I explained to her that I'd done some research and found out that there are a lot of kids like her with a "not so good seeing eye"...that's what she calls her bad eye. The older she gets, the better she can articulate how well she does or doesn't see out of that eye. Sometimes, when she's cuddling on my lap with Yang Yang(her blankie), she puts the tag over her good eye as if she's testing the bad eye. She's very aware of the limits of that particular eye. Last night she told me she really couldn't see much out of it. I told her that without my glasses, I couldn't see very well at all. I allowed her to test it by having her stand a few feet away from me and hold up fingers while I took my glasses off. I had no idea how many and I said so. She said "Guess!!" So I said 5. She walked towards me holding up just 2 fingers. See, I said. I can't see either! That made her smile and feel a little better.

We talked about making changes this year. How it was going to be trial and error but we(the mommies and the teachers) want her to succeed and like school. I told her that we'd just keep trying different things until we found something that worked. I also explained that since she had trouble seeing, naturally it would take longer for her to finish her work. That frustrated her..."I hate this eye! It doesn't see!" I explained to her that she was actually lucky because some kids are born with both eyes that don't see so well. "You mean they're blind?" she asked. "Well, kind of...they see with both eyes like you see with your bad one." She had a look of understanding, as if she was getting it. I also told her that as she got older her vision might improve...it wouldn't actually improve, but the compensation gets better.

What does all this mean? Who knows. What's apparent is that Sofie is really articulating her differences and how it bothers her. That's all good. Unfortunately, it's affecting her self image. That's what we have to work on strengthening. We tell her we know she's a smart girl. It's just going to take a little more effort to get that work done. We're here to help her and I know her IEP team is, too. As Debra said to me last night...we'll just have to manage this like we do other things. We'll be her advocate and come up with creative solutions. I'm already compiling information for her teachers. At least it's a start.

The "eyes" have it

I've been reading another blog where their second grader is struggling with reading, too. It's made me think about all of the decisions we've made regarding Sofie over the last year or two. All in all, I think we've made the best choices at the time. Of course the old adage, Hindsight is 20/20 does apply. However, I think all in all, she's doing great.

She's shown such tremendous change since starting the meds for ADHD. Her teachers have commented and given us wonderful feedback. They're even calling her a leader in the class now. They confessed to us just the other day that at the beginning of last year, they weren't quite sure what to do with her. It was nothing behaviorally, but more a lack of skills that they thought a first grader should have. Her handwriting was atrocious, her reading was well below grade level. She seemed to get stressed or unnerved at having to do things she just didn't know how to do. Intelligence was never a question, though. Remember she's the one that told her kindergarten teacher during an assessment when asked "what happens when you go into a dark room?" Acceptable answers were "look under the bed for monsters", "turn on a light", "ask mommy for help"...our little smarty replied, "Your eyes dilate!" Duh. At that point she had her teachers hooked. Charming, smart and lovable...just that pesky vision issue and her wiggliness to hinder her progress. Well, the wiggliness has been taken care of. Her focus at school is apparently much improved. So much has changed that she even gets to sit by her best friend at circle time because they don't laugh and giggle during class anymore! Cool.

Her vision issues, well, that's another story. Because she was a preemie, she has a condition called Optic Nerve Hypoplasia(ONH). Fortunately, she only has it in one eye, not both. There's not a whole lot of information out there, but you know if it's there, I've found it! I'm compiling a list of articles and resources for her teachers and IEP team to reference when coming up with this years learning plan for Sofie. It's becoming more apparent, as she feels more comfortable reading, that her vision issues are indeed impeding her progress and interest in reading. I've caught her several times being able to fully read large signs out in public. In fact, I was joking with her one day and said, "Ah HA! I see what's going on here...you're tricking us into believing you can't read when in fact you can read JUST fine!!" She grinned and retorted, "I can only see the BIG letters. The letters in books are too small!" At least now she can say what's going on. In the past, she'd just throw the book down in disgust and walk away. Hopefully we'll get this issue resolved and her reading will take off!

Update**** After reading some of the information I've found I'm a little concerned we're behind the eightball on this. We've been so proactive with much of her other needs, it seems we may have neglected the most obvious issue. I'll dig further and I'm sure we'll come up with a plan.

Humor online

Just in case you're one of the 5 remaining people in the world that hasn't heard of the story about the mom who sold her kids Pokemon cards on EBay, you've got to check it out. She is hilarious and has kind of become an overnight sensation. I certainly hope it all works out for her. She's one of my current favorite blogs. She's a stay at home mom to SIX kids...and really funny, to boot. Her blog is called, BECAUSE I SAID SO. If you need a good laugh, check her out.

Go Appalachian!!

A big shout out to my alma mater, Appalachian State University for being the underdogs who came from behind and beat a nationally ranked team, Michigan in what's known in football world as "The Big House." Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a huge football fan at all. I can count on one hand the number of games I attended while living in Boone. Just not a big football fan! However, I do have the alumni pride one feels when your school does something good...even in sports!

My friend Sharon called me this morning to tell me about the fans in Boone. Since the game was played in Michigan, many of the students were in Boone watching the game at various spots around town. After the win, a group of folks headed up to the football field, climbed the fence, tore down the goal post and proceeded to march it a mile to the Chancellor's house and leave it on his driveway. Gotta love college kids!! For amusing stories and pictures go here, here and here.

Go App!!

"Labor" Day Weekend

I'm determined to "labor" over my kitchen, dining room, living room, bathrooms, and bedrooms this Labor Day Weekend. It's been too long since I've spent any quality time tending to my own home.

I've already started with the kitchen and laundry this morning. Now I'm on to the living room and piles of stuff I need to toss, shred, purge or put away. I'm glad I finally have the concentration, energy and where with all to do such work!

This working weekend will be peppered with fun activities, too. Today I may go hang out with Debra and friends at my pool. Sofie is having a play date, so I may take a break and socialize a bit. Tomorrow, Sofie and I are heading to friends for dinner and playing. Monday, if I feel I've made enough progress, Debra and Sofie are coming over to the condo. Sofie will watch a movie while Debra and I purge some of my things. Goodwill should love me come next week! I may also go over to a friends for BBQ ribs and festivities in the late afternoon...if I've labored enough to deserve such a treat!!

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Pressure to be Perfect? Absolutely!!

I rarely link to other posts from my blog, but after reading the current post on Family Pride's Blog I felt I had to share it with folks who may not otherwise see it. As you may remember, I did a guest post on this blog in July. Since then, I've been reading the other guest posts religiously. While I can relate to many, none have quite touched a nerve(in a good way) like this posting by Cindy Rizzo about the pressure to be perfect parents.

From my perspective, we are under pressure to be better at parenting that your run of the mill heterosexual led families. So much is written, researched and most of the time falsely reported about our "lifestyle" that it may appear that we are under a microscope.

I have often felt I/we have to "explain" why Sofie does/acts/reacts to the things she does. She does have some awfully good reasons for being how she is in the world, but that is neither here nor there. Some have blamed it on our poor parenting, lack of structure or our indulgences on her. Some of that may be true, some of that is grossly misstated or misunderstood. We parent her the best WE are capable of at that given moment. Sure we slip and slide and make mistakes. Who doesn't?

If we raise a child who became something less than a stellar member of society, I'm sure the "religious wrong" would blame the unfit morals our children were raised within. Meanwhile, so many of these zealots are getting "trapped" by undercover policemen for soliciting sex in public bathrooms. Uh, is it me or does that just one of the most hypocritical things a human can do?

I think I have to jump on that bandwagon that Cindy Rizzo referred to in her piece, "to assert that GLBT parents are merely equal—no better and no worse than heterosexual parents." We are equal. We take our kids to swimming lessons when they don't want to go. They complain loudly about going to church. They don't want to do their homework. In contrast, some love swim lessons, church and schoolwork. Kids are kids are kids. Life is challenging with them, but it would be boring as hell without them. Be out and proud that your kids are just a normal as other kids in the world!

Common Women...I don't think so

I wanted to write about a special group of women. Back in the day, before I moved to California, I sang with a wonderful group of women, the Common Woman Chorus. They always held a special place in my heart, even when I lived in California. It wasn't a surprise when I re-joined the chorus upon my return to NC in 2002. I haven't sung with them in awhile, but I still remain close to many of the members. Several members kept me company, brought me food and just spent time with me while I was undergoing treatment this past year.

Yesterday, I was going through the email in a rarely used account. I was reading through an email from Equality NC entitled "See All the Beautiful Families." Apparently, a well known local attorney is having a reception to celebrate "...our families in all shapes and sizes..." To my surprise, our family is listed under the donations:

Common Woman Chorus in honor of Jamie Lamkin, Debra Kent, and their daughter Sofie as our featured chorus family

I was speechless and really touched that our family, however stranger as it is, was celebrated by my chorus members. I have no idea who's put this into play...well, I have a slight idea, but I won't embarrass her here...but it doesn't really matter. The kindness and generosity that went towards this great cause was enough for me.

As I said in an email to the chorus, they have touched a place in my heart that will forever be emblazoned with a touch of music. One day I'll return to chorus. Hopefully this will encourage Sofie to find her own voice in singing and enjoy it as much as I do.

To all my chorus friends...you are loved.

Mama Jamie and Sofie time

Ever since returning from Camp Kesem, Sofie has been demanding...in her own way...time with me. She always has really good arguments for it, but we always have better ones! This past week she didn't have camp or school, so Debra and I took turns taking days off of work so we could be with Sofie. Originally I was going to have her Monday and Friday, but Debra needed to work on Thursday, so I took her Thursday instead of Friday. This kind of messed with my plan of having her with me from Thursday after work until Sunday afternoon. Another contributing factor to the weekend time was a visit from a California friend of Debra and Sofie. So the visit from them bled into Friday night, causing Sofie to arrive at my house Friday night. We went from 3 nights/3 days to 1 1/2 nights/2 days. So far, we've made the best of it.

We had intentions of having friends over for a swim date yesterday, unfortunately it was too hot. Yes, that's right, it was too hot to swim...or be outside at all. I spent early Saturday morning searching for alternatives. Luck was on our side because I quickly discovered the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences has a daily program called "Meet the Animals." Yesterdays animals to meet, you guessed it, SNAKES!!! I called Sofie into the living room and mentioned it to her and asked if she'd be interested. As she was grinning from ear to ear with a very animated face she said, "Mom, if it has anything to do with snakes, you don't have to ask me! You know I'll want to do it!!" And off she ran into her room to play some more, but excited beyond belief. Gotta love a kid who knows what she loves.

Before we headed out for breakfast, I took her the newly prescribe medicine to take for her "focus and concentration" issues. "Oh MOM. Why do I have to take it on the weekends?!?"...without missing a beat I responded, "So you can focus on the snakes at the museum and not miss anything!" She swallowed the pill without a hitch. We then headed out for our Saturday morning traditional Biscuitville. She had her usual...sausage biscuit with grape jelly. I have never had her finish her breakfast before me but that morning she must have been starving. She downed that biscuit without me having to tell her once to eat her breakfast. Interestingly, one of the side effects from her new medicine is lack of appetite...apparently that hasn't kicked in yet.

After breakfast we headed back to the condo for chilling out time before we headed to the museum. She was going to play, so I turned on my computer to try to blog. She had different ideas about that. She was a little clingy yesterday. Guess she hadn't had enough time with me. She wanted me to take my computer into the living so she could play while I was working on the computer. I tried to explain that the wireless was a bit dodgy, so I needed to say wired to the modem. (Of course that didn't make sense to her!) So, she sat on my lap while I worked...which meant I didn't work. We started watching funny commercials online for laughs. After awhile, it was time to head to the museum, so off we went.

We ended up getting to the museum a little too early, but it all worked out in the end. We looked all over the museum, first heading up to the 3rd floor to view all the snakes on display, then we read all the corresponding information about the snakes. After seeing ALL of the museum, we headed down to the gift shop...of course. Well, we had to do SOMEthing to kill time!! Sofie made a loop three times, trying to pick the perfect souvenir. There were interesting things, that's for sure. I found a new snake shirt for her, so I got that but she picked out a necklace with a snake on it. She was very happy about her choice. After purchasing our haul, we headed back up to the snakes. We still had over an hour before the "Meet the Animals" presentation started!! I tried to get her to eat or see more of the museum, but she wanted to wait by the room to make sure we got a great seat! So we waited...and waited...and waited.

There were several situations that led me to believe her medication is doing what it's supposed to do. First of all, the waiting didn't bother her...at all! She had a goal of getting a great seat and that was enough to keep her focused on the outcome. Interestingly, there was a girl about Sofie's age in the classroom. She kept following the educator around to make sure she got to pet the snake a million times. She reminded me of how Sofie could be. Ironically, Sofie was on my lap the entire time...not wiggly at all. At some point she looked at me and said, "That girl needs to sit down! She's petted the snakes too many times!" I laughed internally because two weeks ago, that girl could have easily been Sofie.

After petting the snakes, she and I headed to her favorite restaurant, which is unfortunately in Raleigh. It's actually a bar that doubles as a chili restaurant. Fortunately when we got there, there were no other clients...smoking or non. Sofie ordered her usual and I had 5 way chili. She ate about 1/2 of hers...appetite suppressant working now...and I finished mine off. We headed back out into the heat to head home to Durham.

On the way to Durham, we called her friends Emma and Kate...well, there moms...to see if we could come over and play awhile. As we were heading over there, Sofie announced, "I haven't seen Kate since the end of school!!" She was right, which is pretty unusual, but it's been a crazy summer for all of our families, so we just didn't do the play dates we normally do. They were happy to see one another and played pretty well for a couple hours. We headed out to go grocery shopping while they were winding down for the evening.

We ended our day with a viewing of, "Night at the Museum" since we'd spent the day there. After the movie, she crashed and I, too went to bed. Today, we're trying plan out what we're doing. Low key morning, swimming in the afternoon. We'll see how the day pans out. I just know that this weekend gave all three of us what we needed. Sofie and I had alone time together and Debra had alone time to recoup some energy. All is well today.