One year ago today...

Debra posted this blog entry: Heart to heart and only 6 months later she was gone.

I re-read it with very mixed emotions. She had so much hope that also bordered on unrealistic expectations, but I guess that's kind of what hope is. She only got through one thing on her "bucket list" of travel before she died. Sad...so sad. Tomorrow it will be the Summer Solstice and 6 months from the day her spirit left this earth for another plane. It was very thoughtful(and knowing Debra, intentional) of her to die at a time with an easy date to remember!!

It's also the season of Frameline. As I told a friend earlier today, this will always be a bittersweet time for me. No matter what was going on in our lives/relationship(good or bad), this time of year was when we slowed down... er, actually rushed around SF flitting from one film to another, but that's neither here nor there...and spent time together with lots of different friends enjoying the good and bad of the film festival. I will always think of this time of year with only the fondest of memories.

Life continues on for the two of us. Summer camps, summer travel, more summer camp then back to school! We enter this summer season knowing Debra is always with us and watching our backs helping us maneuver through this life as we know it.

A most beautiful Spring Day

(photo courtesy of Dasja Dolan**)


In what can only be described as one of the most perfect weather days I can remember at Golden Gate Park, over 200 friends and family gathered to celebrate Debra in the way she deserved to be honored. Debra had told a few people what she wanted and even left some instructions in her Will. Her dear friend, soul brother and fellow Aquarian Kile Ozier was to "produce" it. With the help of others, Kile gave Debra a send off, replete with all things Debra...including her beloved giftbags. What well planned, San Francisco event would be complete without giftbags? And event it was.

Upon arrival that morning several of us gathered at the Entrance to the National AIDS Memorial Grove
waiting for other friends and family to arrive for the planting of the Japanese Maple. As we were waiting a very large pack of bicyclist rode by, all telling us they were training for the AIDS ride. A wonderful introduction to the day ahead.

After everyone arrived we headed into the Grove. As we rounded the corner and topped the hill we were welcomed by a sea of purple and with all that purple you couldn't help but feel Debra's presence. Filled with blooming Echium as well as purple cloaked tables for the reception, the Meadow seemed to be an open invitation to celebrate Debra's life.

Prior to the actual service many of us gathered to see a Japanese Maple be planted in her memory. Those who were brave and goat-like traversed the hill to place mementos or ashes near the root ball before it was completely covered. Much to many peoples amazement, Debra's nearly 80 year old mother made that trek up the hill. I wasn't surprised since Mimi has been a very self sufficient woman as long as I've known her! After placing some ashes in the root ball Brenda grabbed a handful for us to take somewhere else in the Grove.

As others finished planting the tree Brenda, Sofie and I trekked off to find a place for some of the ashes. Much to our surprise we ended up at the boulder that had been placed in honor of Macy's Passport 25th anniversary(a project Debra worked on for several years.) Brenda and I knew that's where we needed to sprinkle those ashes...so we each sprinkled a bit over and around that boulder then rejoined the tree planting celebration.

With over an hour to go before the memorial started Sofie was already getting restless...and hungry...she demanded bacon! To our rescue was Susan and Jean who graciously offered to drive us over to an area in search of bacon. As we were walking out of the Grove, we ran into Rosie and her mom Nancy heading in. Rosie joined our trip to find food and Nancy joined the others gathering before the celebration.

After a successful breakfast run on Irving(I think), we made our way back to meet and greet for the memorial. Upon our arrival, Nancy made it clear that Rosie was there to be Sofie's person and to watch her so I could mingle and concentrate on chatting with all the folks I needed to connect with. That was probably the best arrangement made and little did I know just how handy Rosalie would be throughout the day. As I was walking in the first person I spotted was Virgo pal whose full name is three streets in San Francisco. It had been so long since I saw him but we gave each other the biggest hug ever. He was chatting with 3 other people who I hugged in rapid succession. It was then I realized I would be a day filled with hugging. It was so nice to see so many familiar faces.

After chatting and making my way towards the circle where the memorial took place, the time had come for the true celebration part of the day. Sofie and I (intentionally) played a very small role in the service. We lit the candle that was sitting next to the beautiful flowers at the "altar" where folks would soon be giving their own impressions of what Debra meant to them. As we lit the candle, many members of the SF Gay Men's Chorus walked in singing a wonderful rendition of "Seasons of Love" from the Broadway Musical Rent. From that point on the service was a blur...a beautiful, funny, tear-filled, belly laughing, heart wrenching blur. About 10 minutes into the service, after a few people told stories about Debra, Sofie declared she had to leave. Bravo to my girl for taking care of her needs! Quietly she, Rosalie and Naomi(another 7 year old attending) fled the scene and went to the coolest.playground. EVER.

Many people who spoke thanked Debra for providing the lovely weather that day. As many of us felt, she certainly had something to do with the beauty of the day!! Most told funny stories that were weaved with tales of admiration, love, respect and most recently loss. The last person to speak left us with a few lines of a Sarah Maclachlan's "I Will Remember You." She sang in a beautiful voice, "I will remember you. Will you remember me? Don't let you life pass you by. Weep not for the memories. Weep not for the memories." I don't know about all of you, but there are definitely days where I still weep.


**Dasja Dolan, someone who had never met Debra, happened to be at Golden Gate park the morning of the memorial. Originally she wanted to take photos of plants in the park, fortunately for us she ended up taking many photos and has now offered to give the sale proceeds to the fund to buy the boulder to be placed in the Grove. What a truly kind and generous offer...and effect Debra had on everyone(even in the afterlife!!)

Durham Memorial and Celebration Information

I had a wonderful meeting with our minister, Don, today. We've scheduled Debra's Celebration of Life for Sunday, January 20th and 4p at ERUUF the Unitarian congregation we've been attending for a few years. Their website has great directions and a map at the bottom of this page. After the service, we'll have food and beverages in the Fellowship Hall.

It's 9:15p and all is quiet!!

It's 915p and all is well in the world. A certain little girl who has been struggling for weeks to get to sleep before even 10p(more recently closer to 11p or even midnight on occasion) drifted to sleep with ease and no complications. I'm so thankful that she had an easy transition to sleep tonight as it will make waking her up much more pleasant tomorrow morning for her first day back to school post holidays.

She had a fun play filled afternoon with many of the Mastens. Eating out, bowling and creative play were involved. Everyone commented on Sofie's technique for bowling. If you haven't witnessed it, please refer back to this blog entry for a full demonstration!! They even stopped by school to pick up one of the Masten kids. Luckily for Sofie, her teachers came out to the van to give her a big hug and tell her they can't wait to see her tomorrow.

I brought some food items over from the condo and now I've decided I need to rearrange the kitchen! Oh joy. I'll tackle that project tomorrow. I meet with Don, our minister, to discuss memorial options for Debra in Durham. Egads, I've never done anything like this before, so I'll be needing serious guidance!! Wish me luck.

Life for today

A big THANK YOU to all of you sending the kind words and thoughts our way. I've saved all the voice mails and emails and will respond to all later. Right now, my focus is to make sure that Sofie has a great holiday season.

Sofie and I are starting a new chapter of our lives together without Mama Debra. We've had some very sweet discussions. Sofie's really not that sad now because in her words, "Mama Debra is in Heaven with her cat Lily, her Dad and other friends and family. And she's having as much fun as she did as a kid!" I have no idea where Sofie heard about Heaven...I haven't used it, but she must have picked it up somewhere. I'm glad it gives her the comfort she needs. Her biggest stress right now is all the people that are here.

Today, she's in her first play. It's at our Unitarian Church where they are acting out the story of Jesus' birth...Unitarian style. Not to offend my Christian readers, just know the story is told as that. In Unitarianism, we're open to many beliefs, so that fact that Sofie is playing a dog in the manger wouldn't be strange...however, she's wearing her friend Tay's Scooby-Doo costume so that might seem a bit odd to many folks. There's no poking fun, just storytelling.

Yesterday, Sofie and I tried to have a normal day. We went to Biscuitville, hung out with friends and family at the house then went to a movie. We saw Alvin and the Chipmunks, which is quite charming and funny. Afterwards we went to Red Robin with Donetta, Taylin, Jamie, Emma and Jacob for holiday festivities. After that, Sofie and I went to Donetta and Taylin's for a relaxing early evening play date and hanging out. It was just what we needed...low key, relaxing and fun.

After the play and church we head to my Dad's for an overnight. I'm sure there will be good food and laughing and loving.

We continue on, life as we know it for today.

In Memoriam

The Winter Solstice is often associated with death and rebirth. How very appropriate that Debra exited this world to be reborn into another this very morning.


She was being held energetically by so many of you and I'm certain that made the transition to a pain free and loving place so much easier for her.

Be assured that her death was painless and a beautiful relief. Her mother and other friends were with her at the time of her death. Sofie and I sat with her after her death, told her we loved her and we will miss her very much. Sofie said that she's becoming an angel right now. We cried and kissed her goodbye.

A local memorial will be in January and the San Francisco memorial will be in the Spring. Details to follow for both.

Sofie and I are a bit overwhelmed right now so we're taking time to ourselves by staying at my condo tonight. We both appreciate all the love and kind thoughts that are pouring our way. We love each and everyone of you and are glad you've been part of this part of our journey.

Tennyson said it best,

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I think we were all very lucky to have loved and been loved by Debra.

Teaching moment gone awry

Last night as I was doing my last check of email I noticed an influx of messages from parents on one of the listserv groups for Sofie's school. I read the first message and had no idea what letter they were referring to, so I ran back upstairs, rummaged through Sofie's backpack and found the offending letter in question. After reading the memo, I went back to my email to see if the other parents were as upset as I was becoming. Indeed they were. The gist of this memo was to inform the parents that a Freshman Dorm at Duke has taken our school on as a "service project." There are so many great ways this could have been handled. Unfortunately, the "service" is to buy our kids gifts!

Setting aside the general assumptions made about children who attend public schools, let's think for a moment how many other ways that money could be used. Supplies for the school, playground equipment, sponsoring some sort of assembly or guest that the kids might learn from and enjoy, let the kids come up with gift ideas for kids who are in need...the list goes on. I'm sure there are families at her school that will welcome the gift, but our family isn't one of them.

Debra and I both have been working on teaching Sofie about giving and sharing instead of acquiring more things. In so many ways, Sofie has a huge heart. She's compassionate, loving and gets pleasure out of helping people. So what is it about "stuff" that makes her turn into a big selfish brat?!?! Debra thinks it goes back to her orphanage days and not having stuff. That may be true to some extent but I think it has to do with the fact that we SPOIL her. I'm as guilty as the next person when it comes to giving Sofie too much stuff. It started early and it's apparent it's going to be a hard habit to break.

Over the past couple of years while dealing with illness and other stuff, I've gotten into a space where "things" don't matter and I'm tired of all the clutter those items cause. It's partly spiritual, it's partly a change in a way of life. It's the way I'm choosing trying to live and I'd love to instill those values on my kid.

This morning became a battle of wills on the subject. In my quietest, most sincere voice I attempted to explain to Sofie that she's a kid living a great life and that there are so many other kids who, through not fault of their own, live in situations that might cause them to not have a happy holiday season. (As I was saying some of this stuff I was hoping beyond all hopes that she didn't say, "Why doesn't Santa just bring them toys!!"...luckily that thought didn't occur to her. Whew, I escaped that one by the skin of my teeth!!) In the the over dramatically way that she can be, tears welled up in her eyes and she said in a long drawn out moan...NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Theatrics at it's best! Well, that just annoyed me, so the quiet, sincere mom clammed up and the loud, self-righteous one reared her ugly head. After getting nowhere, I sent her upstairs to start breakfast while I got dressed.

While downstairs I heard stomping, slamming and arguing. I guess she'd told Debra of my evil plan to give away all of her toys...well, one of them anyway! After getting dressed, I went upstairs to continue the lecture. She argued, but didn't have any good points...it was mostly selfish. My point was that we could let Santa know that instead of the gifts she was supposed to get from him, she decided that she'd rather have the ONE gift from the Duke students and to please give those gifts to kids who were nicer and needed them more than she did. (Manipulative, yes. Effective...yet to be determined.) Bottom line, she WILL give up that toy to Toys for Tots or something like that. Will she learn a lesson from it? Again, yet to be determined. All I can say is we're trying to create a giving person instead of a selfish, wanting little person. Maybe it's too much for a 7 year old, but at this point my will is stronger than hers and I'll win this one!

Was I too harsh? Will she forgive me? I told her to tell her therapist tonight that Mama Jamie was evil and making her give away a toy! She laughed and glared at me in a fake evil look. At least that'll take some of the focus off of Debra's illness. I can be the bad mom, I can take it!

Pre-Turkey Day Thanks

It's that time of year where we pause, give thanks then eat too much food. I thought I'd try to give thanks before the food gets in the way and fogs my thoughts!

My list of things and people I'm thankful for are in no particular order, except I did save the best and most important for last!

I'm so grateful and thankful for my family of origin(that means the family I was born into)...I have the greatest, most supportive parents...ever. They love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am, quirks and all. The rest of my family, although we may have differing opinions or beliefs also love unconditionally. This family is where I learned how to laugh and that a sense of humor is vital in the world.

To my chosen family(that's the people in my life that aren't related by blood/marriage or the like, but play as an important role...if not sometimes a more important role...than my family of origin), you guys are my rock AND you all rock! (You all know who you are!!) We too, have some differences, but that's what makes the world a great place. Thank you ALL for the love and support you've given over the years and allowing me to be part of your lives.

To Cancer...thank you for your humbling experience. My life will only get better after battling you.

To all my various health care providers...you made my life more bearable this past year. A special shout out to Dr. Valea, Teri T, Dr. Bland and in GyneOnc; Dr. Marum; Dr. Jones and Jane in RadOnc; and all the cool nurses and volunteers in the Chemo Treatment room at Duke.

To everyone supporting Sofie's growth and progress a big THANK YOU. You've all loved and supported her in many ways and she's doing so well because of your influences. Special thanks to Dr Jane R, Mrs. Kelly, Mrs. Ewald and the entire team at Morehead Montessori(Sofie's wonderful elementary school) and everyone at Camp Kesem.

To everyone else, even the strangers reading this blog...thanks for showing up. I hope you've gleaned something useful or enjoyable from my heartfelt words and that you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing.

Now to the most important people in my life right now:

I'm thankful for the worlds greatest daughter. We are told over and over by so many different people in Sofie's life what a great kid she is. I want her to know how lucky I feel to be a part of that life. I'm looking forward to learning all she has to teach me. Thanks for putting a smile on my face each and every day.

The person that I want to give the biggest thanks to is Debra. This is the hardest, most bittersweet Thank You I'll ever do, that I am sure. I want to thank you for barreling forward with Sofie's adoption and allowing me to continue to raise and love our beautiful daughter. I feel like I've been given such a gift...and I promise I'll take care of that gift and give her all the love and support she can handle so she can grow into the fine young woman that we know she'll become.

I love you all and wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving however you are celebrating.

Who Dies?

I've been thinking a lot about dying lately...not my own death mind you, but dying. I've never been afraid of dying and I'm quite fascinated by the process both physically and spiritually that happens when one dies. Recently I was chatting with my very dear friend Rick. He's the coolest guy...ever...and he recommended a couple of books for me. They're both by the same author, Stephen Levine(and his wife Ondrea co-authors one of the books.) One is entitled, Who Dies? An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying and the other is entitled, A Year to Live: How to Live This Year as If It Were Your Last. I ordered both books online and I began reading Who Dies? today.

The Table of Contents and the index of Who Dies? have me enthralled. I can't wait to dig deeper into this book and finish it so I can start the other book. The first book is to prepare me for what's to come with Debra. I'm the kind of person that likes information, so the more I have the more comfortable I'll be. The second book is more for me and how to live my life differently.

Conscious living and dying are only terms that I've encountered here and there. I've never read anything about it or even investigated it. Even though I'm not well versed in the topic, I can tell that my own beliefs include what's being discussed in this book. I'm anxious to expand on them to see where it takes me. Topics discussed include: Models of dying, Finishing Business, Grief, Heaven/Hell, Working with Pain, Approaching Death, Letting Go of Control, Stages of Dying and many more aspects. I intend to come out of the other side of this book mentally prepared for death. I know I'll still have stuff come up, but I want to be clear and full of ideas and be able to explain things to Sofie if/when she asks.

After I read it, I'll post more information, but for now, that's all I've got.

Clarity has arrived...for the time being

Sometimes I don't write because what I'm feeling or going through is intensely personal. Too personal to share, especially on a blog. If I need to share, I usually do with a few select friends in an email or conversation. I've been doing that a lot over the past few days. I had some insights and realizations over the weekend after having an appointment with one of my more spiritual advisers. I won't go into all we talked about, thus the preface in this entry. However, I will share some insights.

As I've stated recently, I've been feeling in limbo...caught between two places and not wanting to give up either. These two places consisted of two physical spaces as well as two distinct roles. The physical spaces, as you know, consist of my condo and Debra's house. Should I move in now or later...after, after? Should I keep going between two places...living in limbo? Should I figure out a happy medium that works for all of us? The two roles that I've been playing are clear, too. Caretaker of Sofie and caregiver to Debra. Both roles, even on the best of days are exhausting. Throw into the mix that I have a full time job that I'm skating on thin ice on and that just adds to the strife I sometimes feel.

As someone who tends to nurture by nature, the caregiver and caretaker roles are fulfilling and make me feel useful in a rotten situation. With that said, one important person is falling to the bottom of the to do list...ME!! To some, that may sound selfish. However if you really think about it, I need to take better care of me in order to better care for my family. Taking better care of me involves simple things like eating better, moving more and keeping tabs on my core feelings. Currently, exhaustion is a core feeling I'm having. Okay, I realize exhaustion isn't really a feeling...however it is effecting how I am in the world. So to work on the exhaustion will involve dealing with some internal feelings. Finding my clarity and purpose for the next however long we have is important not only for me, but for Debra and Sofie, too.

One bit of clarity that I had this weekend...and have discussed at length with Debra...is the role that I'm really intended for. What I realized was I'm best being utilized by being a caregiver/mother to Sofie. That's not to say that I'm not going to be a caregiver to Debra...it just means I have to prioritize better and others will have to step in as this process continues. I trust that Debra has such a deep and wide circle of friends that she will want for nothing as time progresses. I can't, nor do I want to trust that the same will happen with Sofie. She's becoming my responsibility more and more and I need to focus on her to make sure she comes out on the other side of things feeling loved, supported and cared for.

The other bit of clarity was about moving in with Debra. I don't think that will best serve anyone...especially Sofie. As time progresses I think both Sofie and I will need a place to go for respite. What better place than my condo? A haven that is already familiar and safe for both of us. As Debra's disease progresses, she'll need more assistance for her daily living. In order for that to happen, there needs to be a place where those who are visiting and assisting to rest and find their own retreat. In a house with only one extra bedroom, that extra space should be reserved for those caring for Debra. I continue to spend most evenings at Debra's house, assisting with homework, bath and bedtime. I even stay and hang out with Debra once Sofie is snug in her bed. I'll continue to do that as long as it works for all of us. Unfortunately at some point, they'll need to be others stepping in to be with Debra while I concentrate more of my energy on Sofie and her well-being.

As I've always done, I trust that the universe will provide those people to be there for Debra...allowing me to fully focus on Sofie. She and I will have our own grieving, processing and moving through all of this. I know we'll get through it and be okay on the other side of things...I'm just not necessarily looking forward to some of that journey.

A day of purging and clearing out

Today I spent the majority of the day going through old boxes dividing them into three piles...donations, keep, trash. Amazing how you become less attached to things as you got through stages of your life. Stuff has a way of overwhelming me. I get stuck, energetically and physically, then the piles become less and less manageable.

My dear friend Tracey encouraged and supported me, both physically and spiritually. Sometime earlier this week we had a chat about what she could do to help me with that state of limbo I've been feeling. She offered to help me start packing the non-essentials in my condo in preparation for whenever I need to move to help Debra or to parent Sofie. Because it packing and cleaning overwhelms me, I was resistant. Tracey doesn't give in that easily though. She can be very persistant by taking charge and making a plan. Since it was short notice, no one else was available to help out.

The first part of the day I tackled the piles on my own. I bagged up 4 large garbage bags of clothing to donate to Goodwill. I had started going through my personal effects when Tracey arrived. We ended up taking 8 boxes of crap(well, not all of it was crap) and whittling away to 2 boxes that I kept and the majority of it I donated, gave away to friends or threw away. I'm exhausted, but my room feels so much lighter now. I still have a long ways to go...my closet is next! I'm trying to create a space where Sofie and I can take respite when needed or where we can come when Debra needs more quiet times.

I'm still amazed at how much stuff I've accumulated in the past years. I'm really in a place to minimalize and get rid of more things. Goodwill and Craigslist, here I come!!

Friends of Wind River Newsletter-first edition!!

Please enjoy the first edition of the Friends of Wind River Newsletter lovingly created by Dave and Shannon, retreat facilitator's extraordinare!

This is from the folks who did the retreat I so very much enjoyed. I think you'll see a familiar face on the newsletter along with some of my words of wisdom. :-)

Sitting Still

I've recently joined a website called Crazy Hip Blog Mamas, this posting is part of Collaboration Wednesdays. Occasionally, I'll post and link back to their site based on the topics for the day. I joined for a few reason, but mainly it's nice to have something to prompt or inspire my writing!

Today's Writing Collaboration is Sitting Still:

Sometimes it’s in the quiet of it all that we think the most. Sometimes it’s during those moments of solitude that cause things to fall into place.

What do you find when you sit still?

One thing I know, I'm at expert at sitting still. Unfortunately, sitting still in the physical sense is much different than sitting still in the mental sense. The latter is a much harder place for me to be. I'm a thinker, I ruminate and process internally, so that mental stillness is rare. On those lucky occasions when I have that mental quiet, feelings are the most common thing to emerge. Stillness evokes tears, smiles, laughter, crying. Interesting, the place I am most still is my shower. Maybe it's the water that allows the thoughts to wash away, opening the door for those emotions to creep in.

Sitting still just provides rest or sometimes it allows me to enjoy the beauty around me. Sitting on the banks of the Eno, stopping and listening to birds chirp or squirrels play in my parking lot, being stuck in traffic but listening to a favorite tune and singing at the top of my lungs, cuddling a cute girl and rubbing her back while she falls asleep, or simply being present in a conversation. All of those are times I know I'm sitting still.

What do you do when you're sitting still?

Just as activity beats the cold,
and inactivity (stillness) beats the heat,
Purity and stillness can heal the world.

-Lao Tzu

I wish Purity and Stillness were all it took to heal Debra. I'd sit on her for a decade and recite something pure around the clock if I felt it would help.

Awakening...a lesson in Chinese Medicine

(For those waiting to hear about Debra's visit to the doctor today, you'll have to wait for her version of the story. It's not my place to share that information before she gets a chance to write her own thoughts.)

For the past few weeks, I've been waking up at 5a, like clockwork. I remembered from a previous acupuncturist that in Chinese Medicine there's something called the Meridian Clock that is useful in acupuncture and other types of Chinese medicine practices. I won't even attempt to explain it, however, I'll make the connections that are appearing for me. Bear with me as I try to explain what my roommate/acupuncturist explained to me on the way out the door this morning. Here's a very condensed, confusing explanation of how the Chinese view the body and it's connection to seasons, emotions and other things. Maybe this article will help.

On the meridian clock, 3-5a represents the lungs, while 5-7a represents the large intestine. I'm teetering on that line just between both. According to my acupuncturist, that means both systems are working hard. Ones the Yin, the other the Yang. For clarification, the Lungs, in Chinese medicine represent grief. Can I get a big, DUH?!? Furthermore, the most predominant emotion in Fall is...you guessed it...GRIEF!! This article, or part of an article is the best explanation that I've found for this topic.

I find it amazing how the body is connected to what's going on in life. As Janet(acupuncturist/roomie) said this morning, my life is really reflecting what's happening this Fall with our extended Indian Summer. I'm in a state of constant flux. I don't know where I'm living from one moment to the next, although I own my own place. So many ups and downs. Well, at least I know my body is processing the grief I'm feeling. A little poke with some needles this week will help move things along and free up some energy to allow for reinvestment of that energy.

It goes without saying to please continue to keep our little family unit in your thoughts, prayers, or whatever you might choose to do. We appreciate it and can really feel the love.

Contemplations

I'm happy with my life. I have a great kid, lots of cool friends(new and old) and a family that loves me because of who I am, not in light of who I am. So for that, I am grateful.

Everyone is aware of the situation with Debra, that all goes without saying. It sucks, I don't like it one bit and I'm going to miss her like crazy when she's gone. Todays contemplations aren't about that either, but of course that situation is having it's effect on thoughts and actions.

I had a fitful night of sleep last night. I couldn't get to sleep and when I finally did catch some zzzzzzzz's, I kept waking up. I must have had quite the dream time with lots of processing going on. I know this because when I woke up I had the stark realization that there's a benefit my employer provides that I may get to use. It's paid parental leave for up to 8 weeks for the "primary care-giver" in an adoption situation. In the situation that will be coming up, hopefully later rather than sooner, I will be the primary care-giver who will be adopting Sofie. I've spoken with our HR people and they confirmed that I would indeed be eligible in this tough, albeit unique situation. The HR person also pointed out that I'd probably be eligible for the adoption assistance benefits, too. She very kindly reminded me of our Employee Assistance Program for help getting through the difficult times ahead.

This realization made me appreciate more(not that I wasn't already) the perks and benefits that I'm afforded by my employer. I know major illnesses can be detrimental to the bank accounts of people. I feel so fortunate that that added anxiety was never part of my journey with my Cancer. My benefits were excellent and I felt supported throughout the entire process. I've recently met families who've become bankrupt because of their illnesses. What is wrong with this country that it allows that sort of thing to happen! I'm not jumping on a soapbox here, I'm honestly curious how a country's leaders and residents can let it's citizens suffer so.

I've also been thinking about my needs and how to honor and achieve them. I've been thinking about this since returning from the retreat a few weeks ago. Mainly because everyone asked me what I was doing for ME during this time. They acknowledge it was a crazy situation and all prayed (or whatever) for Debra. However, they were huge catalyst in making me realize I need to take care of myself and my own needs, too. If I take care of my needs, I'll be better prepared to help Debra and Sofie in the ways that I want to help out. I'm so thankful for the insight I've gained since the retreat. Once again, I'm starting to listen to myself and that always feels good.

Retreat wrap up

This past weekend I was very fortunate to be able to attend a wonderful Cancer Wellness Retreat in the foothills of NC. From my perspective, they were as much in the mountains as they needed to be. Shannon and Dave, the retreat facilitators have a beautiful home and surroundings that they lovingly shared with us. I came home with many wonderful memories that will stay with me and let me know there's more to life than chaos.


The main house surrounded by nature.


I enjoyed much time sitting by the creek.

This particular retreat was designed for those who have had or those who have cancer. We had a wonderful balance of those being treated and those who have completed treatment. On a funny side note, upon receiving my application request Shannon took a look at my blog...which is always in my email signature. She didn't read much of it and to be honest I wasn't very clear in my email, so she quickly became under the impression that I was the caregiver to Debra and not a cancer patient/survivor myself! She told me she had to figure out how to delicately tell me the retreat wasn't for caregivers, but folks who had cancer. After receiving a very kind email back from her, reminding me the retreat was for cancer patients, I responded and informed her that I had, indeed, had cancer too!! I'm so glad the clarification happened and I was treated to a wonderful weekend in nature.

One of my favorite activities was walking the grounds of their home. Dave had placed thoughtful, funny, encouraging signs for us to encounter on our outings. Sofie had asked where I was going, so I explained that I was going to an adult version of Camp Kesem. She beamed and said, so you get to play all weekend?!? So naturally I thought of her when I encountered this sign:



She was somewhat disappointed when she asked if we'd had a food fight and my answer was "No." I did tell her of my other favorite activity, painting with watercolors while sitting on rocks "in" the creek! I added that we were going to get some paints, head to the Eno River and paint ourselves silly. She was more excited for me after that! I guess I did have fun...in the eyes of a 7 year old.

Another perk that's coming out of the retreat is a possible new play date buddy. One of the attendees actually lives very close to me. She has a son who sounds like is cut from the same cloth as Sofie. We're going to try a play date and see if the kids get along as well as the moms did! We drove to the retreat together and I can honestly say we didn't stop talking until we arrived at our destination. She was amused that I "Googled" her to find out if we'd be compatible to ride 4 hours in the car. I was just making sure she hadn't published some manifesto against homosexuality or the likes. Luckily she hadn't, so we had a fun time driving and chatting. I think the kids will get along great. I'll let you know how it works out!

Religious Hospitality, Aloneness, I'Hare and a Minister Installed

Sunday was a great day of enlightenment and thoughtfulness. Our new minister, Don Southworth, was installed in a beautiful, enlightening and electrifying service late Sunday afternoon. I'd never been to anything like it. I left knowing the congregation made a great choice and that there are things that which we have no idea that are on the horizon. Don is a self professed UU evangelist, two concepts you might think wouldn't mesh. He's opened my eyes to the idea that evangelism can be a positive word. I'm sure I'll be writing more on this later.

For the regular Sunday service Peter Morales, a former classmate of Don's at Starr King, the theological school that many Unitarian ministers attend, delivered a wonderful sermon on Religious Hospitality. I wasn't sure what message I would take home from this sermon. He spoke of things that I did expect, like reaching out to visitors. However, he tapped into something that has really been hitting home for me lately. He quoted some statistics(that I'm totally blanking on right now due to chemo brain!!) from a study that was published in American Sociological Review One fact did stick out though. The study reported that in 1985 the modal(most commonly reported) response was that Americans had 3 people(kin and non-kin) that they confided in. The shocking part was that in 2004, the modal response was ZERO confidants! How incredibly sad it was to hear that statistic.

During that sermon, I started thinking about how this applies to my life. How many people to I truly confide in...other than my therapist(and that's even debatable)? I guess, honestly, two and 1/2...again debatable and up for discussion. Since the whole Cancer thing, I've opened up more and I'm learning to ask for more, but it's still incredibly hard to be real with people. Something I need to explore more.

The installation service for Don included an awe inspiring performance by the Eno River Singers that was actually the world premiere of the piece. The music was entitled, "I'hare" (ee har ay). In the composer's note, she states, "I'hare is a Pawnee word that is invoked when calling people to be fully present, to enter a state of thoughtfulness and reverence." In my opinion, it was the perfect choice to be performed at this ceremony. I noticed many gaping mouths and teary eyes as the music swelled and exclaimed the word, I'hare!

The remainder of the ceremony was as thought provoking and invigorating as the morning ceremony and the performance of I'Hare. The Charge to the Congregation garnered a standing ovation for Gini Courter, moderator of the UUA. I wish my chemo addled brain remembered the 3 points she laid out for us. (Here's hoping there's a transcript of the service available at some point. Peter's Charge to Don was full of love and compassion and both men were in tears. Peter's final charge to Don was "To continue being Don." From what I've witnessed as a member over the past few months as Don has settled in, Peter was absolutely right. Don, just keep being Don and things will grow in ways we can't even predict. Personally, I'm looking forward to growing right along with the fellowship with Don and Mary's guidance, partnership and love for Unitarianism.