What makes a Mama proud

Yesterday I received a call from Sofie's therapist encouraging me to do a few things. First of all, move Christmas up a few days if we can. Secondly, to have "the" talk with Sofie. "The" talk included a few layers but it was "the" talk nonetheless.

After a long day at work I had an appointment with my therapist who had been out of town for a few weeks. It was great to be able to have that support before I went home to chat with Sofie.

I arrived at Debra's just as Sofie was settling in for a bath. I had planned to have the chat in her room as we were settling down for the night, but something told me to go for it while she was in the tub. That something was SO right!

I sat down beside the tub to be as close to her as I could be. First thing we talked about was why Grandma Mimi came to visit. I told her that it was because Mama Debra was getting sicker and Grandma wanted to be with her. I made sure she understood that's why there were so many people coming in and out of the house, too. That admission brought tears to both of our eyes.

The next step was THE hardest thing. First a little background. I have an angel that hangs from my rear view window that belonged to my MawMaw Bess(for the southern impaired, that's Grandma to you.) I made a beaded chain and put the angel on the end. Sofie asks about it often so we've talked about angels that were once on earth are now protectors of their loved ones. She obviously "got" it because she's used it in her own therapy sessions. So using angels as a metaphor for death was encouraged by Sofie's therapist.

After discussing Grandma Mimi's visit that was followed by little 7 year old pleas that she wished Mama Debra weren't sick and that she'd feel better. Perfect segue to the next part of the story.

"Honey, we've talked about how Mama Debra isn't going to get better. In fact, (tears are rolling down my face by this point) Mama Debra is preparing to leave us to become an angel. Which means you won't see her unless she visits you in your dreams or thoughts."

Tears are welling up and the lower lip is pooched out in Sofie. "But I want her to get better!"

"Unfortunately that's not going to happen...but once she's an angel, she won't be sick anymore. We just won't get to see that."

"Can I stay home from school tomorrow with you and Mama Debra?"

"Absolutely"

"Can I spend the night with you in the condo?"

"Of course!"

The next part is what makes this Mama so very proud of my girl.

Laurie, who's visiting from CA, came in to the bathroom and I filled her in on what had just happened.

"Mommy, can I say the "S" word?"

"Sure honey, you can say any bad word you can think of" (In our house, the bad words are stupid, dumb, hate among others. We're allowed to HATE only two things...she hates mosquitoes and bamboo...the bamboo is another story at another time)

"STUPID CANCER!!!" "STUPID DUMB CANCER! I HATE CANCER!!!" at that point, she stood up in the tub and grabbed her tub crayons. She drew a house with Debra, Sofie and me inside. Then she drew a smaller house(in yellow) with Debra in it as an angel. Then she drew Debra in a hospital bed. Above the two houses she wrote good times and beside the hospital bed she wrote, bad times.

"How to you spell stupid?" "S-T-U-P-I-D" "How do you spell Cancer?" "C-A-N-C-E-R" She wrote the words out, underlined them, crossed them out...got a lot of anger out towards them! Then she found a little piece of crayon and squished it into the side of the shower wall..."THIS is Cancer!! I HATE Cancer!!"

You can't imagine how proud and relieved I was to witness her emotions so profoundly exhibited. That interaction made me realize...she's going to be okay. Sad, but okay!

The rest of the evening was spent cuddling, talking. Me answering questions. Before we left Debra's to come to my house, she did go in and talk to Debra. Debra was awake so she got to tell her that she wished she'd get better. Debra reinforced that wasn't going to happen and to remember that she loved her more than anything. Sofie went through a litany of "I liked it better when you weren't sick because..." statements. Those reasons included, no longer getting to cuddle, no longer being able to play, and basically no longer any fun. Debra understands. Then just before we left, she gave Debra a big kiss and we told her we'd see her tomorrow.

If I haven't said it enough...I am so grateful to have a kid named Sofie as my daughter.

Quick check in on Debra

It seems like forever since I've posted. I wanted to post about the adventures Sofie and I had over the weekend, but I feel I need to update everyone on Debra's condition. I'll post some happy post a little later.

Debra is not doing well at all. Pain seems to be controlling her life right now...so much so, they've just started her on oral Morphine. I worry that the end is much closer than any of us ever anticipated.

Please hold our little family unit in your thoughts and prayers as we help guide Debra peacefully to the next phase of her journey.

A somewhat better day

Thanks to everyone for their support during my mini-meltdown yesterday. I have to say that writing the last blog posting was very therapeutic! After writing it, I felt tons better. Apparently all those people bugging me to write all these years were right. I just should have listened sooner.

Debra came home from the hospital today. She's still pretty weak. It'll take her a few days to get reoriented to life at home. The troops are arriving, so life will be easier for our family as we ride this roller coaster. I won't bore you with the schedule, but suffice it to say, we're covered through the New Year! We're going to try to have a great remainder of the year and create more memories.

Many are asking how Sofie's doing. I'd say today she had a major breakthrough. She apparently started sobbing at school during recess. She went over to one of her teachers and said, "I'm worried about my mommy!" sprinkled between sobs. After a bit of consoling she called Debra to check in on her. That made her feel better. Maya came and picked her up early from school, took her to Locopops for a frozen treat then to Whole Foods to get some flowers for Debra's return home. While at Locopops, Sofie informed a woman there with her dog that her mom has Cancer. The woman told her she was sorry. Sofie didn't stop there. She said my other mom had Cancer, too. And because of that I get to go to Camp Kesem! The lady said, "Well that's a way to find a silver lining out of something bad!" That's our girl.

Fortunately, Sofie had therapy tonight. Lots of good advice shared. She was encouraged to talk about stuff even if it makes her sad since the bad stuff doesn't go away even if you don't talk about it. Well that must have given her the permission she needed. After reading a few chapters in her book and turning lights out, she reached over, gave me a huge hug and said, "Mommy, I LOVE you!" and then she burst into tears and we talked for a long time about Debra. She cried, I cried. It was good. She had a bit of trouble falling asleep, but after crying, she said to me, "I got all the worries and sadness out!" Such a sweet girl she is. Her fear is that Debra will get sicker and have to go back into the hospital. She said, I miss her when she's in the hospital! Then we talked about Mama Debra and cuddling. "She won't get to cuddle and watch Jeopardy with me since she has the new little bed." Awww, poor kid. I wish I could make this all go away, but I know we've got a long road ahead of us.

Breathing is NOT working!!!

Between 9a and noon today, five different friends ended their emails to me with their variation of telling me to breathe. I've done mindfulness meditation and even took an 8 week class, however I'm here to tell you, right now "breathing" isn't relieving any stress for me. I'm feeling the most stressed that I have ever felt in my life. I don't know if I'm coming or going, standing or sitting, or smiling or crying. Apparently I'm so stressed out, I'm stressing Debra out...she just told me that, so that's not good. I'm drowning here.

My work environment has been ridiculously nonsupporting this week. I feel like they'd just as soon give me one swift kick out the door instead of dealing with what's to come in my life. No one as even asked how Debra's doing...or for that matter how Sofie and I are doing. Compassionate, eh?

I haven't stayed at my condo since before Thanksgiving...glad I decided not to move in to Debra's...yes, that sarcasm. My shoulders feel like they're touching my earlobes. Sofie's stressed, too. She's had her 2nd outbreak of herpes near her eye in less than a month. This time instead of being beside the eye, it was on the eyelid...of her GOOD eye!! Poor kid. She's going to start prophylactic acyclovir to keep these outbreaks from occurring. It's stress...all of it! Sofie and I have always had a fairly even keeled relationship...not so right now. She's yelling and throwing tantrums and I'm right there with her, wanting to yell and throw my own tantrum! Well, I am yelling, but no tantrums...yet.

Whirlwind Weekend

For an update on Debra, please check her blog for the latest posting here. It's been a tough few days, fortunately we had Joanna and Naomi visiting from CA to keep us all occupied and busy. We had a very fun weekend. They arrived on Thursday evening while Sofie and I were attending the Duke Women's Basketball WIN over Rutgers!!! (As an aside, this was one of the worst played games I've seen in a long time...by BOTH teams!! We're fortunate that we came out on the winning side of that one!) A big shout out to Beth and Jan for picking the girls up so Sofie and I could have fun evening out with friends.

The girls picked up like they'd seen each other last weekend. Since Sofie was staying home from school the next day, we let them run a bit wild before trying to calm them with a joint bath...something started when the girls were wee ones.

As you can see, the tub was quite full!

The next day I headed to work while Joanna had the girls all day. They visited Debra in the hospital and had a pretty low key afternoon(that included trampoline jumping!) Later in the day, they ventured to Cary to meet me at work. The amphitheater next to my office had a Winter Wonderland with an outdoor ice skating rink. After skating and Sofie checking in the the big guy in red, we headed out for dinner to Sweet Tomatoes.



Sofie, Naomi and Joanna enjoying a spin around the ice


The big guy in red


Hamming it up by a tree decorated with animals for adoption

Saturday was Biscuitville for breakfast...I know you're shocked!! Naomi was less than impressed with our Southern cuisine. Sofie and I enjoyed the usual! After breakfast we headed back to the house for some playing and trampoline jumping. Then the highlight of the day...High School Musical on Ice!! A very "Disneyfied" version of the movies...on ice. The girls enjoyed it and don't tell anyone, but the parents did too! After leaving the arena we headed to the hospital with 2 cranky, hungry and overtired people. (You thought I was talking about the kids, but it was really the moms!! Okay, the kids were cranky and hungry, too.) We grab a snack in the hospital cafeteria, then up to see Debra. That lasted about 10 minutes before I felt a meltdown coming on...again, mine...not Sofie's! So we headed out.

Proof of the every popular Biscuitville!!


Bouncy, giggly girls

Sunday brought a little bit of respite for me. I really wanted to go to ERUUF, so Joanna stayed with the girls...and even ventured out on a grocery shopping jaunt! After running a few errands, I came back to house and swapped cars. I drove to RDU to pick up Maya from her flight from Boston. Maya, lovely young adult that she is, offered to fly down for a few days to help with Sofie. Her mom, Laurie, will be here on Monday to stay for a couple of weeks. What an incredibly fabulous family!!

After picking up Maya, we raced back to the house, dropped Maya off and picked up Joanna and the girls. We were heading to Vertical Edge for a classmate of Sofie's 9th birthday party. The girls had a blast climbing and swinging from the ropes! Sofie has decided this is where she wants to have her 8th birthday party.

Cute girls in their gear!


Naomi was a natural!


Sofie cheesing it up!

After the party, I dropped Joanna off at the hospital so she could have a quiet visit with Debra. I took the kids back to the house and they jumped on the trampoline...shocked, I know! Joanna and I tag teamed when I headed back to the hospital, she took the car and I visited with Debra. We left the girls home in Maya's capable hands.

On my visit with Debra we chatted, pondered life and I read a few chapters of Eat, Pray, Love to her. That book was a joy to read the first time, so it was nice to be able to re-read some passages to Debra. It was nice to have quiet time with her...that hasn't happened in a very long time.

Physically, mentally and emotionally I'm about as wiped out as I can be. The troops are coming in for back-up soon, so I may actually sleep in my own bed in the near future! Thanks to everyone for all the love and support and healing, loving energy you're sending our way. We can sure use it!

Status on Debra

Many folks have written to me saying they're concerned because Debra hasn't blogged lately. I wanted to give you all a brief update on her situation. For the past few weeks, she's been fatigued beyond any one's comprehension. Hopefully it's residual from radiation treatments. Next week, she'll be seeing the oncologist for a follow-up/check-in visit. We'll know more then.

As far as blogging goes, her computer is downstairs and she's mainly upstairs. A laptop with wireless would be nice, but one hasn't magically appeared on the bedside table!! She checks email once a day...usually first thing in the morning(sometimes more if energy allows.)

Thanks for all your emails lately. It's been a tough few weeks, but we're all hanging in there.

Mask of anger

Last night while I was in my own therapy session, Sofie was apparently having a very similar session of her own. Seems we're both handling our pain and sadness in the same way....anger. My therapist gave me an excellent tool/image to use to work with this emotion...the mask of anger.

I've noticed that increasingly over the last few weeks I'm living with a shorter fuse. I'm getting angry at everyone and at everything. Seems anger is a common emotion often used to hide profuse sadness. It's been painful to watch Sofie get angry at Debra more and more. I hope that my realizations can help Sofie deal, too.

So what do I do about it? Well, the first step is be aware of it. Oh, I'm aware alright. It's painful to realize that anger is where I go to hide sadness. I was feeling so guilty about getting angry, especially at Debra or Sofie. Now that I'm consciously aware, I can try to get more in touch with the true feeling of sadness. Since I know that Sofie's dealing with her sadness/confusion in a similar way, I can let her know that my anger is coming from being sad about Mama Debra's illness. I may even get creative with her and we'll actually draw a mask of anger that we can take on and off...with a mask of sadness on the inside for us to see as we're taking the masks off.

What can *you*, my friends and family do about it? Call me on it. If you see I'm getting pissy for no reason and you feel comfortable seeing me sad...check in with me on an honest level. I know most people get uncomfortable when others are crying or grieving. Ironically, I don't get uncomfortable when others are crying or grieving. I can be present with people in a very supportive way while they're sad...so why am I having such a hard time with my own grief?

I hope this discovery makes the future easier for all of us.

A waiting room's entertainment value

Hospital waiting rooms provide so much material for writing, it's almost not fair. Yesterday, I spent much of the day at Duke in the family waiting area for those scheduled for surgery. Posted all over the doors, entry ways and even provided in the pre-op information it is stated clearly for each patient to bring a maximum of two friends or family members...TWO. The waiting area consist of the lobby just off the elevators and a smallish waiting room. So why is it that I got stuck sitting with two families...one with SIX plus a baby and the other EIGHT family members?!?!

Let's start with the family of eight. Debra and I had moved to a room in the back of the waiting area after a woman(who by the way was having surgery) reeked of so much cigarette smoke that the already nauseous Debra was going to hurl at any moment. We were escorted by the front desk lady to a nice quiet room that only had one other person there...well at least for a few more minutes. Debra and I were quietly chatting when I looked up and in walked a small herd of what was later determined to be religious fundamentalists! Each person read the sign on the door that politely asked for their cooperation around the "no more than 2 family members" suggestion...I would say it was policy, but policy would mean that someone actually enforced it...which never happened. Each "family" member read, looked somewhat uncomfortable with the fact they were breaking a rule, then hastily retreated to the corner of our cozy room. Initially I thought it might be two or more patients, but then that all started the crosstalk that became my entertainment for the next few hours!

It was quickly made known that this "family" was from a small town south of the triangle. It's a town that, had my family been a bit less lucky, we would have been stationed after my dad finished Highway Patrol School. I could have ended up *just* like these people! Okay, that's a stretch because we did end up in a small town that's probably pretty similar to this small town and I think I escaped relatively unscathed. As I often do in group settings, I started sizing up this unit. Cultural Anthropology at it's best!

I was quite surprised that approximately 95% of their conversation centered around church. Going to church, how church has helped them, how someone is doing "so much better" because they started going to church. Singing in church, eating in church...heck for all I know these people LIVE in a church!! The oddest thing about this family...I'm about 99.9% sure two of the men there were a couple...a redneck couple, but a couple nonetheless!! How do I know...well one of them "shows" Boston Terriers...yeah, it's a stereotype but stereotypes exist for a reason!! I was just simply amazed at how much "church" was part of their life, too. I'm not talking mainstream liberal religion...I'm talking fundamentalist in the most strictest of ways. I certainly hope that I'm correct and that these two young men are accepted by their family for who they are. That would be a nice change of pace from the typical reaction of kicking family members to the curb or insisting they "straighten" out(pun intended.)

The second family really didn't give me much material. The all kind of made me laugh when the three guys in the group whipped out their laptops and proceeded to work/surf or do whatever. It was precision laptopping at it's best! Initially there were only 4 members, but apparently their preacher and two other family members and a baby were sitting in another area of the waiting room. It was crowded yesterday, so after Debra got out of surgery, I chatted with Dr. Bland and found out she was okay and what to expect, I went downstairs to the lobby...where NO one was sitting!

Debra is doing quite well from her biopsy. We won't know anything for a month or so, but that's okay. She's beginning her radiation sessions today. Thanks to everyone for continued support, love and care. Our little family needs it.

Clarity has arrived...for the time being

Sometimes I don't write because what I'm feeling or going through is intensely personal. Too personal to share, especially on a blog. If I need to share, I usually do with a few select friends in an email or conversation. I've been doing that a lot over the past few days. I had some insights and realizations over the weekend after having an appointment with one of my more spiritual advisers. I won't go into all we talked about, thus the preface in this entry. However, I will share some insights.

As I've stated recently, I've been feeling in limbo...caught between two places and not wanting to give up either. These two places consisted of two physical spaces as well as two distinct roles. The physical spaces, as you know, consist of my condo and Debra's house. Should I move in now or later...after, after? Should I keep going between two places...living in limbo? Should I figure out a happy medium that works for all of us? The two roles that I've been playing are clear, too. Caretaker of Sofie and caregiver to Debra. Both roles, even on the best of days are exhausting. Throw into the mix that I have a full time job that I'm skating on thin ice on and that just adds to the strife I sometimes feel.

As someone who tends to nurture by nature, the caregiver and caretaker roles are fulfilling and make me feel useful in a rotten situation. With that said, one important person is falling to the bottom of the to do list...ME!! To some, that may sound selfish. However if you really think about it, I need to take better care of me in order to better care for my family. Taking better care of me involves simple things like eating better, moving more and keeping tabs on my core feelings. Currently, exhaustion is a core feeling I'm having. Okay, I realize exhaustion isn't really a feeling...however it is effecting how I am in the world. So to work on the exhaustion will involve dealing with some internal feelings. Finding my clarity and purpose for the next however long we have is important not only for me, but for Debra and Sofie, too.

One bit of clarity that I had this weekend...and have discussed at length with Debra...is the role that I'm really intended for. What I realized was I'm best being utilized by being a caregiver/mother to Sofie. That's not to say that I'm not going to be a caregiver to Debra...it just means I have to prioritize better and others will have to step in as this process continues. I trust that Debra has such a deep and wide circle of friends that she will want for nothing as time progresses. I can't, nor do I want to trust that the same will happen with Sofie. She's becoming my responsibility more and more and I need to focus on her to make sure she comes out on the other side of things feeling loved, supported and cared for.

The other bit of clarity was about moving in with Debra. I don't think that will best serve anyone...especially Sofie. As time progresses I think both Sofie and I will need a place to go for respite. What better place than my condo? A haven that is already familiar and safe for both of us. As Debra's disease progresses, she'll need more assistance for her daily living. In order for that to happen, there needs to be a place where those who are visiting and assisting to rest and find their own retreat. In a house with only one extra bedroom, that extra space should be reserved for those caring for Debra. I continue to spend most evenings at Debra's house, assisting with homework, bath and bedtime. I even stay and hang out with Debra once Sofie is snug in her bed. I'll continue to do that as long as it works for all of us. Unfortunately at some point, they'll need to be others stepping in to be with Debra while I concentrate more of my energy on Sofie and her well-being.

As I've always done, I trust that the universe will provide those people to be there for Debra...allowing me to fully focus on Sofie. She and I will have our own grieving, processing and moving through all of this. I know we'll get through it and be okay on the other side of things...I'm just not necessarily looking forward to some of that journey.

Soul sucking lifeforce called Cancer

I won't go into the details, as you can find them out for yourself in Debra's latest blog entry. Currently, life is sucking...soul sucking. I'm getting angrier that Debra can't seem to fight this damn disease. I'm not angry at her, I'm just pissed at the universe. It's so unfair for her and Sofie. Sure, I can get all "groovy and spiritual" about it all and rationalize it to death...no pun intended, but I'm not feeling that loving spirit right now. Right now, I'm pissed.

I'm pissed that Debra's having to experience first hand our loving daughter detach from her. Why can't it work out that Sofie gets angry AFTER Debra is gone? No, they have to go through a natural separating stage...and I have to witness it! Debra's feelings are getting hurt every day and it's so unintentional on Sofie's part. She's blaming her for everything and I'm defending Debra, tooth and nail. It's a hard place to be. Really understanding what's going on, trying to explain it as best I can to Sofie without really giving too much detail. It's too early for detail. I just want her to understand that Mama Debra is getting her feelings hurt a little and that it's not her "fault" that she's not spending time at my place. We're spending time together as a "family." However, she's happy to know she's at the condo with me all weekend...just the two of us. It'll be good for Sofie and it'll be good for Debra.

Struggle is what we do these days. Not with each other, but with the idea of what's to come. I struggle with just wanting to take care of both of them. Debra struggles with making sure all is taken care of...after, after. Sofie is struggling with feelings she just can't describe or put words too. It truly sucks. I'll end here. Maybe I'll have a brighter outlook tomorrow. Just know this is one phase of many that I'll go through.

Great Expectations

Life is, at best, scattered. And when that happens, I often get writer's block. Ironically in a time where writing would be a good thing for me. With that said, I started writing this entry over a week ago and hopefully will be able to finish it today.

For those who know me well, you know I'm an introvert through and through. For those who've only briefly met me, you're often surprised at this admission. I'm only giving this information because it's a vital to who I am and what I need to rejuvenate, refresh and relax. It is vital that I get "down-time" everyday. I'm not talking hours and hours, I'm just saying a good 1/2-1 hour where no one makes me do anything is a great way to stay on my good side! With all of that said, let me make it perfectly clear...Jamie has not been getting enough down time lately!!

This isn't going to turn into a griping, bitchy blog entry about "oh whoa is me" because I'm damned lucky to be in the place I'm in right now. I'm starting to feel better physically, mentally and spiritually. I have the cutest, funniest kid in the world. I have a fairly stable job. I have great friends and family. You get the picture, Life is Good!...except for one small detail...I'm living in a surreal world of watching a dear friend and other mother to my child fight the fight of her life, literally.

With this fight, comes needs and great expectations. I feel I'm stepping in, appropriately, to help with those needs and expectations. Sometimes it's as simple as just hanging out and chatting. Other times it's coming over and taking care of Sofie for the remainder of the evening. Most of the time it's in between. What's hardest for me is saying "No" or "I can't really help out today." I don't get bitter, I just do it because it needs to be done and most of the time I'm happy to do it. Other times, I'm tired and I want to chill out on my couch and escape from the world. We're working on a happy medium...something that works for all of us. Keeping our family afloat, making sure something is getting taken care of for everyone...even me.

Life as I know it as of today

It's been somewhat of a crazy week. Re-entry to the world, after having a week of bliss, has been difficult.

If you've been reading Debra's blog, you know that there's been a reality check with regards to the Cancer. If you haven't, let me give you a little update. Upon her request and probably necessity, the doctors agreed to do the CT of her liver and pelvic area. The news wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great either. Based on the results, they've decided to switch Debra over to her 4th chemotherapy regimen.

What does all that mean? Who *truly* knows. I can say my mind has whirled all over the place and still is. I can't speak for Debra, but I'm just having a hard time staying "in the now."

For me, this just give a glimpse of what the future will be like...indefinitely. The hardest part is the lack of specific information. It's all just speculation. How many more times will we go through answering questions like, "Are the lesions growing?", "What does that pain mean?" or "Are the drugs still working?" It's hard on your heart and soul to go through this on a regular basis.

My biggest worries are how this will/is effecting Sofie. She's such an intuitive kid. I think there's big significance to the fact that she wants me to sing "Seasons of Love" from Rent to her. There's a particular verse that end with the line, "And the way that she dies." Sofie's kind of fixated on that line right now. Is she picking up on our fear? Does she know something we don't?

Whatever your thing, please keep our little family in your thoughts and prayers.

Reality check post cruise

Wanted to check in and let everyone know we made it back safely from our big cruise adventure. Throughout the week, I'll be back posting some musings on the cruise. For now, I'll just give a few comments on being back in the real world.

Before the cruise I kept hearing from previous RFamily cruisers how wonderful it was to be on vacation in such a safe environment. I understand that many families struggle to be who they are in their community. Personally, we don't have those issues as we have many GLBT families and opened minded straights. Our daughter is lucky to be in a progressive school where two moms isn't all that unusual and our PTA has 2 of the 4 officers that are lesbian. So coming from that place, I really wasn't expecting to be in need of those freedoms that others just don't have. Now upon returning from the trip I can see what folks mean, but with a slightly different perspective.

Tonight, Debra and Sofie picked me up at my place to head to one of Sofie's favorite restaurants, Red Robin. It wasn't until then, did I realize what we had on the cruise. Sitting there, noshing on my burger, I looked around and noticed that all the families were straight...well, at least I think they were. My point is that we weren't obviously surrounded by GLBT families. Culture shock! Now we are back in Kansas North Carolina, Dorthy.

We live our lives daily by going to work, sending Sofie to school/camp, having family outings, dealing with cancer treatment/recurrence, feeding the cats, paying bills...everything that "straight" families do. So why do we get treated so differently by a large part of the world? During the cruise I attended a workshop on blogging that was presented by two long time bloggers, creators of Republic of T and Mombian. A key message they brought to the table was about being out in the mainstream. I think I've done a good job of doing that, but now I know I can do more...and I intend to do that! I'm going to join some mainstream blogs/communities and subtly infiltrate with my lesbian-parent self! My posts may become more political, too. I'm not sure what changes I'll make, but I know, now more than ever, it's time to do just that.

Personal musings

WARNING - this entry is pretty personal. I've had a lot of *stuff* come up lately and just want to write about it. It's not too personal to share, but some of you may feel like you've stepped into my psyche and that may be uncomfortable for certain people. Don't say you weren't warned!!!

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I've been in a really crabby mood and physically exhausted lately and it's starting to wear thin on me. I don't even like spending time with me, so I'm not subjecting anyone else to my mood. Unfortunately for Sofie, she gets to spend time with me...good/bad or ugly! I began the last day of my short vacation spending an hour with my "spiritual advisor" of sorts. After that session, I enjoyed the afternoon at Duke Integrative Medicine with a great meal, massage and quiet time. I scheduled this time, hoping to get some insight into what's going on with my body/mind/spirit. Fortunately, I got the clarity I needed and will hopefully turn a corner on this mood soon!

I realized that I still haven't processed my own Cancer and health issues. I've been in overdrive(mentally) since January when we found out about Debra's recurrence. The first place I went was Debra's death. I started grieving and working those stages right away. I wanted to be *prepared* for whatever was going to happen and I wanted to be present for Debra and Sofie during this whole situation. I stayed in that place while Debra went through her second round of chemo and when it wasn't working, I was really mentally preparing for a future(sooner rather than later) without her. Then, luckily the oncologist switched to a drug regamine that seems to be working great! Unfortunately, I'm still stuck in the old framework of Debra dying. I've got to get out of that place and start taking better care of my own self or I won't be in a place to help Sofie, Debra or anyone else for that matter! I have to start acting as if Debra will be here indefinitely. Just know that's really hard for my logically intuitive brain to do. It's going to take some retraining, so bear with me.

I'm less cranky after the massage, having time with friends and not even thinking about cancer, and experiencing a wonderful acupuncture session. I see some of the old, pre-cancer Jamie creeping back in to my persona. I'm looking forward to seeing more of her...or at least a modified version of her.

I'm still battling nausea and lymphedema of my legs, so hopefully the suggestions and treatments I have with massage and acupuncture will help out. I know I'm in control of my body and I need to let it know I'm in charge!! Wish me luck and support me however you feel you can.

Cancer just SUCKS

Yesterday, within the span of one hour, I found out 2 people who's "situations" I've been following had died. I didn't personally know either one of them. One was the brother-in-law of a former co-worker and the other was a long time friend of a chorus buddy. In both cases I felt connected to these individuals, even though we'd never met or even communicated.

The brother-in-law of my friend was the one that hit home the most. He was mid forties, married and two lovely kids. His wife kept a blog that originally just started as a blog about what was going on in their hectic lives. Soon after she began, her husband was diagnosed with lymphoma. That was 3 1/2 years ago. They've had major ups and downs along the way. This last round was the saddest, though. They went through rounds and rounds of chemotherapy and at a point the cancer was "gone" which allowed him to prepare for a bone marrow transplant. In 80% of cases with transplants, the cancer is cured. The process of finding a donor can be harrowing, but they found a 10 out of 10 match in Hong Kong and they were preparing to do the transplant in the next month or so. Unfortunately, he had severe pain one day, went to the hospital only to discover the cancer was back. The doctors gave him a limited amount of time and really just tried to keep him comfortable. So, in a flash he and his families life went from hopeful to devastated. The news was good, then ultimately very bad. This is what I fear for Debra(and even in the back of my mind, me.) Cancer is the ultimate Life Suck. I hate it...a word we don't use in our family except in extreme cases. This qualilfies in my book!

The other person was a dear friend of a dear friend of mine. She'd been battling breast cancer for awhile. Our connection was Polarity. She was a massage therapist who studied Polarity Therapy with the same instructor I had. Just on that connection alone, I'm sure she was a very special person. I'm saddest for my friend Mary who was really close with her and had a long history of friendship that she'll miss.

Sorry this is a downer post...I thought I was past that for awhile. Apparently the universe had other plans. I hope the two people that have passed have found a peaceful place to exist. I'll continue to keep their families in my prayers, as it is always hardest on those who are left behind.

Peace out.

*How* are you two related?

Yesterday, I went with Debra to her doctors appointment. I wanted to hear first hand what the next round of treatment was going to look like. As many of you know, we have the same surgeon. He was at a conference, so Debra was seen by one of the fellows. We've been very open about our past relationship and the fact we have a kid. Our nurse, Teri, is wonderful and supportive, as is Dr Valea. I assumed that we were the talk of the department. Those lesbians that both have cancer, we have to be an unusual situation!! So, I was a little surprised when Dr. Lee, the fellow, came in with a very confused look on her face. She actually said, "I'm very confused. Aren't you (pointing to me) a patient of ours?" She then asked, "Are you two related?" Debra quickly said, "Yes." She went on answering Debra's questions about the treatment change, then stopped again and asked, "How are you two related?" She seemed concerned that she was breaching patient/doctor confidentiality. Not sure what was bugging her, but something was. So, in sync, Debra and I said that we're ex-partners and we have a kid. And I added, "We're *that* couple." She didn't laugh, but Teri did. So, I guess, we're not talked about! You have to admit, we have to be a rarity in the Gyn/Onc world!!

If you read Debra's blog, you know they've changed her treatment. This treatment is more frequent, so I'm sure her body will get tired. I worry how this will be for Sofie. She's been such a trooper through all of this. Even when she's at her brattiest, she always comes back to that wonderful compassionate kid that she is. Sofie continues to let us know that she's looking forward to the time she gets to stay at the condo again. I struggle with this a bit. I struggle with wanting to take care of her and Debra, knowing Debra wants to spend as much time with Sofie as possible(but also knowing she needs a break!) So I will do a balancing act of having Sofie with me and helping with Sofie at Debra's. I just want Debra to have the best opportunity to fight this battle and give her all the support she needs.

Today has been "flu-like symptom" day. The Neulasta increase my white blood count, but while it's doing that, it messes with my bone marrow. I started feeling achy on Monday night coming home from picking B up at the airport. Yesterday was a little worse, but last night I felt as if my mid-section was an accordian stretched too much. I've slept most of the day and popping Tylenol like crazy. I expect I'll feel better by weeks end. Then I'll finally feel like I'm on the road to recovery.

Extraordinary Care? Try the ER...NOT!!

Duke University Medical Center (DUMC) has a new add campaign about "Extraordinary Care. Extraordinary People." As a current patient being treated for Cancer, I couldn't agree more. However, as a friend who went with another friend to the ER last night, I couldn't agree less. I let this other friend write about her experience, but know, I was appalled with the service given there. We were there from 6p until 4am!!!

To say I'm exhausted...big understatement!!

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On another note, Snake, our daughter formally known as Sofie, was the cutest snake for Book Character Day at her Elementary School today. She's recently started asking groups, like church and school to call her Snake. Debra jokes it'll be her gang name...oh please don't let that be so!! I'm still amazed that she's soooooooo into snakes, almost 3 years after she acquired Snakey, the snake that began it all!

For today's event she had originally wanted to be Pongo, who she was last year. We encouraged something different and suggested some different characters. Last year, I picked up some books in Minneapolis that were kids books with snake characters. Her favorite is a book entitled, Snake: His Story about a snake that could hear and he foiled some bank robbers by over hearing their conversation! She loves that book and below are pics of her being Snake.


Debra did a great job on the decorations and make-up. Below is a closeup of the shirt front and arms. The back had green scales. I'll try to find a picture of that, too.

Life as I know it ... at 3a March 1st, 2007

Currently, it's 3am. I've had a few hours sleep and now I'm wide awake...steroids will do that to you every time!! I also get contemplative post treatment. It may be the drugs or it may just be the down time I have that allows my head to spin and the thoughts to swirl about. Thinking about life and the future.

Life should be looking up for me. I've just completed a long and winding road of Cancer treatments. The surgery that started out as benign, then THE diagnosis, radiation and chemotherapy all in the midst of Debra wrapping up her own treatment and journey. Or so we thought. This is where life has thrown an unexpected curve ball our way.

So, while I should be feeling extremely happy about the end of my treatment, I'm really starting to feel sad about what's going on with Debra. There are so many unknowns. And all I really want her to do is get better and live a long life raising Sofie and Sofie having two moms. I want to stop crying every time I think about the other option. I want to stop thinking about the other option. I want to be supportive and not selfish. I just want all the fucking cancer to GO AWAY!!!!!

Ah, life as I know it. This is Jamie being bitter about something she has no control over. I'm not losing my mind, just letting the thoughts roll out through my fingertips.

The question I've most dreaded

This morning Sofie woke up wanting to cuddle. I could see the pensive look on her face as she lay there sucking her thumb and stroking her face with her blankie. "Mommy, are all your bumps gone?" (Bumps is how we've been describing the Cancer to her) "Yes, honey. The surgery I had this past summer removed all of my bumps. The treatment I'm doing now is just extra to make sure all the bumps are gone." Silence that seemed like years, then the bombshell. "Mommy, will the bumps make Mama Debra die?" My mind was racing. Debra and I hadn't really discussed this yet. Well, we've discussed it, but we talked mostly about how Jane, Sofie's therapist, could help us explain this to her. So here it was and I had to make a split second decision. I mustered all the courage I could and said, "Well, if the bumps keep getting bigger, then yes, Mommy Debra might die. But that's why she's taking more medicine, to make sure the bumps don't get bigger." More thoughtful gazing from Sofie. I asked if anyone had said something like that to her? She said, no, she thought it up herself. I have no idea if I handled this correctly. What I do know is I didn't want to lie to her. This will be only the first of many discussions to come.

Emotional Wreck

Well, I can say I'm a total wreck right now. Mostly it's emotional, with a little physical thrown in for good measure. Debra was admitted to the hospital late last night. She's been having trouble breathing, so our primary care physician made the call yesterday of having Debra go to the Emergency Room. Debra was going to try to do this by herself, but Dr. Marum suggested otherwise. Our dear friend Tracey stepped in and took Debra to Duke's ER, while I was in my motherly role of taking care of Ms. Sofie. Another friend, Betty, stepped in when Tracey had to work and stayed the course until Debra was checked into the hospital.

Dr. Marum has become our hero of sorts. She's the one who initially found the mass on Debra's ovary. I applaud her tenacity, even when Debra tried to convince her it was just a urinary tract infection!! Once again she made the right call. Debra's shortness of breath was being caused by pulmonary emboli. They're currently giving her blood thinner's to allow the clots to reabsorb.

Personally, I'm having a hard time holding it together. It's all very scary for me. Last night, I was trying not to cry in front of Sofie. While she was cuddling with me, she noticed "sweat" on my face. I told her it wasn't sweat, but tears. I told her I had been crying because I was a little worried about Mama Debra. And in that very sweet, matter of fact way that only a 6 year old can be, she said, "Mama Debra will be okay and it's okay if you cry."

Against the advice of a few friends, I'm taking Sofie to see Debra in the hospital after school today. Debra and I feel in our guts that we need to de-stigmatize all that's going on for Sofie. It may be the wrong move, but my instinct tells me it's not. She has a lot of questions so we want to be as open as possible with her.