Okay, I admit it...I've been quite remiss in posting to the blog. I'm constantly amazed at just how many people actually read this thing! Little did I know that going over a week without posting would elicit concern from my faithful readers. On some levels, there's not much new to report but on others life is changing right before our eyes.
Sofie continues to grieve on such a profound level. Her days are filled with tears and her nights are filled with sobbing. It's heart-wrenching to hear the sobs pour out of her. Her world has been turned upside down. Not only did she lose a mother, she also lost the version of me she was most comfortable with. No longer the "fun mom" due to all the responsibilities of being solo mom, Sofie is painfully aware of the changes in roles. Boundaries are being set and in response being tested, behaviors are being challenged and encouraged to change. Life is changing and we're both trying to adjust.
Last night while I was cooking dinner, Sofie was running around hyped up on life and having a great time helping me in the kitchen. As I was preparing the plates, she headed in the living area. Next thing I heard was a loud thud, then an outburst of tears. A caveat about the type of mom I am...I'm very caring, sensitive and loving but I'm not the type of mom that gets stressed out when a kid hurts themselves. My M.O. is typically level headed and just trying to get the child out of a place of distress. Last night I felt like evil insensitive mom, ten fold!! I did the appropriate amount of cuddling and telling her it was going to be okay. We placed ice on the large bump on her forearm and I cuddled for awhile. The sobs continued. I was losing patience. After dealing with sobbing for weeks in relation to Debra's death, I found it quite difficult to be empathetic to her physical pain. Finally she agreed to sit down and eat dinner. That was challenging but we made it through. Then we cuddled and iced her elbow.
After finishing a movie, we went downstairs to play with our new Wii. I won't even go into the lack of patience I had with that experience! Just know I'm aware of emotions running amok in our house. Trying to deal with my own feelings and be supportive of Sofie's has been somewhat challenging these past few weeks. I'm worried this will go on longer than I expect or longer than I can process. Patience is what I'm practicing and love is what I'm giving.
Sofie is an awesome, loving kid. She's wide open when it comes to love. I hope losing a mother doesn't change that compassion and openness. We have lots of special moments and no where near all of them are surrounded by tears. Just the other day she told me, after being asked what one thing she'd take to a deserted island, that the one thing she'd take would be ME!! Awwwww.
A heartfelt thanks to everyone that's emailed and called. Please don't be offended if I don't respond. Life is a bit crazy and requiring much of my energy, so emails and phone calls are on the bottom of the To Do list. Thanks for understanding.