Thursday, June 14, 2007

Personal musings

WARNING - this entry is pretty personal. I've had a lot of *stuff* come up lately and just want to write about it. It's not too personal to share, but some of you may feel like you've stepped into my psyche and that may be uncomfortable for certain people. Don't say you weren't warned!!!


I've been in a really crabby mood and physically exhausted lately and it's starting to wear thin on me. I don't even like spending time with me, so I'm not subjecting anyone else to my mood. Unfortunately for Sofie, she gets to spend time with me...good/bad or ugly! I began the last day of my short vacation spending an hour with my "spiritual advisor" of sorts. After that session, I enjoyed the afternoon at Duke Integrative Medicine with a great meal, massage and quiet time. I scheduled this time, hoping to get some insight into what's going on with my body/mind/spirit. Fortunately, I got the clarity I needed and will hopefully turn a corner on this mood soon!

I realized that I still haven't processed my own Cancer and health issues. I've been in overdrive(mentally) since January when we found out about Debra's recurrence. The first place I went was Debra's death. I started grieving and working those stages right away. I wanted to be *prepared* for whatever was going to happen and I wanted to be present for Debra and Sofie during this whole situation. I stayed in that place while Debra went through her second round of chemo and when it wasn't working, I was really mentally preparing for a future(sooner rather than later) without her. Then, luckily the oncologist switched to a drug regamine that seems to be working great! Unfortunately, I'm still stuck in the old framework of Debra dying. I've got to get out of that place and start taking better care of my own self or I won't be in a place to help Sofie, Debra or anyone else for that matter! I have to start acting as if Debra will be here indefinitely. Just know that's really hard for my logically intuitive brain to do. It's going to take some retraining, so bear with me.

I'm less cranky after the massage, having time with friends and not even thinking about cancer, and experiencing a wonderful acupuncture session. I see some of the old, pre-cancer Jamie creeping back in to my persona. I'm looking forward to seeing more of her...or at least a modified version of her.

I'm still battling nausea and lymphedema of my legs, so hopefully the suggestions and treatments I have with massage and acupuncture will help out. I know I'm in control of my body and I need to let it know I'm in charge!! Wish me luck and support me however you feel you can.

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