Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Soul sucking lifeforce called Cancer

I won't go into the details, as you can find them out for yourself in Debra's latest blog entry. Currently, life is sucking...soul sucking. I'm getting angrier that Debra can't seem to fight this damn disease. I'm not angry at her, I'm just pissed at the universe. It's so unfair for her and Sofie. Sure, I can get all "groovy and spiritual" about it all and rationalize it to pun intended, but I'm not feeling that loving spirit right now. Right now, I'm pissed.

I'm pissed that Debra's having to experience first hand our loving daughter detach from her. Why can't it work out that Sofie gets angry AFTER Debra is gone? No, they have to go through a natural separating stage...and I have to witness it! Debra's feelings are getting hurt every day and it's so unintentional on Sofie's part. She's blaming her for everything and I'm defending Debra, tooth and nail. It's a hard place to be. Really understanding what's going on, trying to explain it as best I can to Sofie without really giving too much detail. It's too early for detail. I just want her to understand that Mama Debra is getting her feelings hurt a little and that it's not her "fault" that she's not spending time at my place. We're spending time together as a "family." However, she's happy to know she's at the condo with me all weekend...just the two of us. It'll be good for Sofie and it'll be good for Debra.

Struggle is what we do these days. Not with each other, but with the idea of what's to come. I struggle with just wanting to take care of both of them. Debra struggles with making sure all is taken care of...after, after. Sofie is struggling with feelings she just can't describe or put words too. It truly sucks. I'll end here. Maybe I'll have a brighter outlook tomorrow. Just know this is one phase of many that I'll go through.

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