Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Breathing is NOT working!!!

Between 9a and noon today, five different friends ended their emails to me with their variation of telling me to breathe. I've done mindfulness meditation and even took an 8 week class, however I'm here to tell you, right now "breathing" isn't relieving any stress for me. I'm feeling the most stressed that I have ever felt in my life. I don't know if I'm coming or going, standing or sitting, or smiling or crying. Apparently I'm so stressed out, I'm stressing Debra out...she just told me that, so that's not good. I'm drowning here.

My work environment has been ridiculously nonsupporting this week. I feel like they'd just as soon give me one swift kick out the door instead of dealing with what's to come in my life. No one as even asked how Debra's doing...or for that matter how Sofie and I are doing. Compassionate, eh?

I haven't stayed at my condo since before Thanksgiving...glad I decided not to move in to Debra's...yes, that sarcasm. My shoulders feel like they're touching my earlobes. Sofie's stressed, too. She's had her 2nd outbreak of herpes near her eye in less than a month. This time instead of being beside the eye, it was on the eyelid...of her GOOD eye!! Poor kid. She's going to start prophylactic acyclovir to keep these outbreaks from occurring. It's stress...all of it! Sofie and I have always had a fairly even keeled relationship...not so right now. She's yelling and throwing tantrums and I'm right there with her, wanting to yell and throw my own tantrum! Well, I am yelling, but no tantrums...yet.


Anonymous said...

Dear dear Jamie,
OF COURSE you want to yell. OF COURSE you want to throw tantrums. OF COURSE you're at your wit's end. And people on the outside cannot even comprehend what you're feeling right now.

Ditto Sofie. Ditto Debra.

This whole situation sucks. And compounds itself to suck some more. Then morphs without warning into a new situation that sucks in a whole new way.

The closest I can come to offering words of comfort is to tell you what a dear friend told me after my mother shot herself: When you find yourself in the midst of trauma, it may help to tell yourself that your brain will not allow you to process more than you can handle at any given moment. Repression will take care of you until you can handle your reality, even if it leaves you stressed out or numb.

I find this oddly comforting then and hope you do now.

Please know that your friends are here to support you when you're strong but, most especially, to support you when you need to fall apart. We're there to hold the pieces and remind you that you are, in fact, whole.

Please know you can call me day or night ... we can sit by a fire and wail at the moon or scream at the stars or do the same on a midnight convertible ride or just sit in the same room and not talk at all.

We're here for you.

Rebecca said...

Hi jamie,
This is so not fair and I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. You have every right to feel the way you do and I am so sorry that your work isn't being supportive. I wish I was there! I'd take Sofie for a little kid time!