Saturday, January 13, 2007

Aloneness of Cancer

Below is part of something I want to expand on. Maybe submit for publication somewhere, maybe not. I wasn't going to put it on my blog, but I decided I would share some of what I write offline, away from this blog. I wrote this just after my last treatment, when the side effects were at their worst. It still needs much expansion and work.

In many ways, being treated for Cancer allows you to ask for help like you never have before, or create a community of friends you never thought you had. It can also feel like the absolute loneliest time in your life.

I've felt lonely before. I'm an only child, so I grew up understanding and accepting lonely. Loneliness is as comfortable as that blue worn sweatshirt with the greasy spots center chest. This feels different.

The world continues to whir about as the dripping of medical poison courses through your veins. Moods change, body parts hurt, nausea seeps in and vision is disturbed. Friends step in, loving and taking care of you. Intentions are pure and true. Aloneness still creeps past, creating a chasm the love and kindness leapt over.

Philosophically, I agree we all need time alone for growth, rejuvenation, regeneration and rest. However, past that analytical side of me, alone time can hurt. It's a pain, so numbing that the tingles aggravate the tapping on the keyboard as I write this piece.

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