Monday, November 27, 2006

Processing, processing, processing

Previously published on June 12, 2006.

I had the most wonderful weekend. I was responsibility free as Debra and Sofie are out of town for 10 days. I miss Sofie, but I know she's having a great time with old friends and family and Debra is getting her "gay male" fix. (When we lived in CA there were so many gay men in our lives...not so much where we are now) So, without all the responsibilities that come with family, I was able to have a weekend dedicated to ME!!! And it was just awesome.

First of all, since Thursday evening, after therapy, I've been waking up at 4a on the dot! Usually, I have no problems going back to sleep, but Friday-Sunday, I had a horrible time of it. With that said, just know that last night I had the best nights sleep I'd in a very long time. I attribute my Saturday and Sunday activities for that wonderful nights sleep.

Saturday started out with a session with my former therapist who I now use as more of a Spiritual guide. It was an incredible session. I've been struggling with a disconnect between my head and the rest of my body. I'm very aware of this and it's effected many aspects of my life. (This past week I had a massage, regular therapy and spiritual therapy and the ALL stated how I need to be more in my body.) Part of that disconnect involves a tightness in my throat. It's a very significant tightness that occurs when I need to cry or speak my voice. During the session Saturday morning, we did a guided imagery to get to the root of that tightness. Long story short, it ended up being "dark energy" which may sound ominous, but it's not. We all have it at some point in our lives and it is hard to get rid of. Through the assistance of this guided imagery, I was able to find out about that energy...why it was there, how long it was there, if it would was a very cool process. After the guided meditation, we talked about the significance of this. She said that dark energy usually shows up during times of healing and that makes sense based on the past few months. She also said that now that I've gotten rid of it, I should start noticing some very interesting shifts in the way I am. (I want you all to know, I am a skeptic by nature, so I believed it, while simultaneously having my doubts.)

I proceeded through Saturday with an awareness of the tightness that had been in my throat and the pain in my ears. I just sat with it, felt it and didn't try to analyze it.

Saturday evening, I hung out with my good friends Angel and her new girl, Annette, along with Sharon, Tracey, Cindy and Melinda. We had a *wonderful* time, laughing, talking and eating some wonderful SC BBQ that Angela prepared with love. I love moments like those. Hanging out with good friends, not a care in the world and lots of LAUGHING!! It really nourishes the soul.

I had a fitful night of sleep on Saturday, partly due to the processing my body was doing, partly due to the activity I had planned for the next day and partly to the INCREDIBLE thunderstorms we had overnight. I woke up at 4a again, went back to sleep for a little while then at 530a was awakened by an incredible CRACK of thunder accompanied by a brilliant FLASH of lightening. After that, I was up for the day. So with approximately 4-5 hours of sleep under my belt, I prepare for my Sunday adventure.

Sunday's adventure deserves a little back-story as it involves my very first girlfriend from 16 years ago. As most people, I was a very different person then than I am now. Many heartaches and life lessons later, I've come out the other side a pretty self aware person. (Still tweaking, but feeling pretty good about things now.) So, Cathy and I were each other's very first girl lovers...I was 24/25 and she was 30/31 when we dated. So naive for lesbians. It was a wonderful first love experience, until it wasn't. It never became a horrible situation, it just fizzled out. Now that I'm in the process of recognizing patterns in relationships, fixing them and setting the ideal for "the" relationship, I needed to process a little with Cathy. We haven't spoken or seen each other for 4 years, although we live less than 2 hours from each other now. So, it should be interesting to catch up and see if we can heal a wound or two.

Cathy and I have been emailing for a little over a month. I contacted her after I started seeing my new therapist. We were discussing all my old relationships, my patterns, why/how these relationships ended...blah blah blah. I didn't have any answers for that particular relationship and I wanted some. I contacted Cathy and we commenced to emailing. I took a leap of faith on Friday and asked if I could come visit. I put the ball in her court, because I didn't want her to do something she wasn't comfortable with. She said yes, so Sunday morning I headed 3 counties over for a day of hanging out with her. I was so nervous!! Without going into all the boring details, we spent almost 10 hours talking. We processed our past relationship; we also talked about where our own paths have taken us, the similarities in our lives, as well as the different paths we've taken. It was an incredible day of healing. I feel there's finally closure on that relationship 16 years ago.

I feel so light and airy today. No tightness in my throat at all. Last night, I slept from 930p-6a without waking up ONCE!! It was a very restful night and I feel that I'm beginning a wonderful chapter in my life.

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